Can Drake help me?

I glanced at myself in the mirror, taking note of myself before the big night. My blingy chains and iced-out watch were sure going to make an impression.  

 “Geez,” I said aloud. I looked like a million bucks. Dare I say billion? Let me not get ahead of myself. 

“Let’s see,” I thought to myself, “She’s expecting me at 8:30, so I should probably leave a little early. I don’t want to be too early, though. Gosh, adult stuff can be difficult.” 

I stared at myself without moving for two minutes straight before deciding to leave- I’d have to eventually. 

“Where are you going?” My mom asked as I made my way to the door. 

“I’m going on a date with a girl I met online. She’s one of a kind.” I replied 

“I- I hope this doesn’t end up like last time,” my mom remarked. 

“In my defense, I was naive back then. I should’ve figured it out when her camera was always broken and when her voice sounded so deep on the phone. I’m still not sure why I bought the, ‘Sorry, I’m sick so my voice is hoarse’ excuse,” I said, partly amused by how foolish I could be. 

“That was literally last month,” my mom said rolling her eyes. 

“Alright, I gotta get going, mom, love you,” I replied, quickly ending the conversation. 

“He’s a lost cause,” I heard my mom say to herself as I closed the door.  

I danced my way to the car. Boy, did going on dates make me happy or what? I just hope she pays for her own meal. Last time, the girl that was actually a guy made me pay for his full-course meal. I should’ve left when I saw she was a he but look I was intrigued! 

“Carl, are you okay?” my neighbor asked alarmed. 

“Yep,” I replied, picking myself off the ground. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been doing the worm on his lawn.  

“Vroom,” my car engine sounded to life. 

5 minutes later 

 “I know when that hotline bling, it could only mean one thing,” I rapped with my window down as I listened to Drake. “Ever since I left the city YOUUU-.” 

“Gotta reputation for ya self now,” an old man sung back from his car.  

“Everybody knows and I feel left out,” I sang back 

“Girl you got me down, got me stressed out,” the man said, continuing the rap. “Stay groovy young buck.” The old man took a left turn and continued to his own route. 

“Man, I love me some old people,” I smiled to myself.  

After some time, I arrived at the restaurant a little early. I tapped on the steering wheel and rapped some more Drake verses. Drizzy was going to help me impress this girl.  

“Buzz buzz,” my phone rang. Oh no, I had lost track of time!  

I quickly made my voice deeper before answering the call. “I got my eyes on you,” I quoted a Drake song to start the conversation. This was going to work. 

“What?” my date replied confused. “I’m at table fifteen where are you?” 

“Just hold on we’re going home,” I replied. 

“What,” she asked. 

“Sorry,” I said snapping out of my zone- Drake wasn’t going to help me right now. “I’m on my way now.” 

“Hey, Michelle, right?” I asked as I sat at table fifteen. "You look great."

“Yep, and I presume you are Carl? You look presentable.” 

“That’s what they call me,” I said, “Oh excuse my manners!” I reached out to shake her hand. 

She paused for a moment before shaking my hand and smiling. “You sure are different, Carl.” 

 “Started from the bottom now we’re here,” I said as I grabbed the menu. 

“Splink,” my fake plastic watch fell on the table. 

“Oopsies,” I said before quickly grabbing my watch and putting it back on. 

“Strange,” I heard Michelle mutter.  

“So, what’s your favorite color?” I asked Michelle. This was always a good conversation starter. 

“What? I mean I like yellow, how about you?” Michelle asked. 

“I like blue,” I replied, “Thanks for asking.” 

“No problem,” Michelle said.  

I realized I needed to do something drastic. She clearly wasn’t feeling my convo starters. 

Before I could say anything next, she cleared her throat. 

“So, you’re different in person,” Michelle said. 

“Ahh, I think every turkey takes time to roast,” I remarked. 

She laughed before saying, “Seriously, how do you think of this stuff?” 

I smiled and said, “I uh, I’m built differently.” 

“Stop,” she continued laughing.  

“Laugh now cry later,” I said blankly. I was back in my Drake trance. 

“What?” She stopped giggling. 

“Sorry, umm, what do you want to eat?” I asked picking up the menu again. 

“The steak looks yummy,” she replied. 

“Better have steak money,” I muttered. 

“Huh?” she asked. 

“Oh nothing,” I replied. “I’m having trouble reading this menu, though. What language is this?” 

“You’re holding the menu upside down,” she smiled fixing my mistake.  

I gulped as I saw the prices of the meals. Hopefully, she can pay for my mine, too.  

“What can I get you all?” a waiter asked, sneaking up on us. 

“Ahh,” I screamed out in a high-pitched voice. “I mean arghh, rawr.” 

“Is he okay?” The waiter asked Michelle. 

“Ignore that, can I get a steak meal with a Pepsi?” Michelle asked. 

“Sure, how would you like the steak?” The waiter asked 

“Medium-rare,” Michelle replied.  

“I’ll get the same,” I said.  

“Order coming up,” the waiter said before walking away.  

“So, what are your future life plans?” I asked Michelle, acting normal for once. 

“In the short term, I want to finish up college and start my career,” Michelle began, “In the long term, I want to start a family and spend time with a significant other. I know that’s pretty vague, but how about you?” 

Thinking for the first time all night, I said, “I want to go to a trade school and eventually work in carpentry. I also want to eventually start a family and all that.” 

She smiled. Maybe this date wouldn’t go so bad. 

40 minutes later.  

“No way you actually did that,” Michelle laughed as I told her about the time I tried riding a baby elephant.  

“I don’t know what I was thinking,” I laughed back. "We were at the zoo, and they were letting us pet the baby elephants so I just did it.” 

“I just can’t imagine the expression on your parents' faces when they saw their kid trying to ride an elephant,” she giggled. 

“Kid?” I asked. “No this was two weeks ago. I’ve changed since, though.” 

“Huh,” she looked surprised before regaining her posture, “Oh, you’re just kidding. See, it’s hard to tell with you.” 

Realizing it would be better to go along with it, I replied, “Yep that’s me. A true jokester.” 

We talked and had a mix of more genuine and funny conversations before we were ready to go. First, the check had to be paid. 

“Are you sure this is the right check?” I asked the waiter again. There seemed to be an extra zero on the tab. I could’ve sworn the steak was $3 instead of $30 ($3 is still expensive by the way). 

“It’s fine, I’ll pay for it,” Michelle chimed up. 

“God’s plan,” I clasped my hand together and quoted Drake one more time. 

5 minutes later. 

“Well, thanks for the date, it was pretty cool to hang out with you,” Michelle said. 

“Likewise,” I replied. 

“We should hang out again sometime, you’re really funny.” 

I began celebrating on the inside. I had won. Everything had come to fruition. I would no longer be a single man. Uh oh, I could no longer control my actions! 

“Control yourself, control yourself,” I repeated in my head. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Michelle asked me as I began uncontrollably laughing 

“I’m more than okay,” I laughed, I was no longer in control. 

“Muahahaha, I won, I won,” I evil pointed at the sky and roared in laughter. 

“Scary hours,” Michelle said in response to my actions. 

“Wait what,” I replied. Michelle’s Drake reference had brought me back to reality. 

“Nothing but I was saying we could hang out again before-” 

“Yes, of course,” I said, turning around and twerking. “If you had a twin, I would still choose you.” 

“No no, I can’t do this,” Michelle disgustingly said. “You’re not pretending to be weird. You’re just odd in general. Yikes.” 

On a last resort, I went with another Drake lyric. “Imma call you anyway and say-” 

No, you will not. Delete my number!” Michelle exclaimed. 

“What, but-.” I stood on my tippy toes to look more intimidating.  

“I’m never going out with you again.”