Please Welcome My Next Guest, Satan

Megiddo Valley Community College Podcast with Terrence Zanick

2024-08-09 [Begin transcript 00:00:06] 

[Theme music]

Zanick: My guest today has been called the Great Dragon, Mr. Scratch, and perhaps most enigmatically, the Morning Star. But do we really know this infernal entity? Fortunately for us, the Dark Lord has just released a new book–Satan on Satan–and the author is in studio with me now. Welcome. 

Satan: Thanks for having me.

Zanick: As a formality, I have to ask if it’s okay with you that I’m recording our conversation.

Satan: Yes, all good.

Zanick: Thank you. Let me begin by asking…

Satan: Did you see what I did there?

Zanick: I’m sorry?

Satan: Me saying “all good.”

Zanick: [Pause] Ok. Let me begin by asking your name. Is it Satan, Lucifer, the Devil? What do you prefer?

Satan: A name…a name…how about Steve? I like Steve. I know everyone calls me Satan, but that’s not my name; it’s more of a job description.

Zanick: Intriguing. Perhaps we could explore that by talking about how you got your start. You first appear as a serpent in the Garden when…

Satan: Nope. That wasn’t me. I don’t have a speaking part until the Book of Job.

Zanick: That wasn’t you? 

Satan: Nope, that was a talking snake. 

Zanick: Right, but it’s you in the form of a talking snake.

Satan: Why would I take the form of a talking snake? 

Zanick: To tempt the Woman.

Satan: You think I’d need to dress up as a talking snake to tempt a woman? I mean, not to brag, but, you know, look at me…[Chuckles] I guess it worked, the talking snake bit, but no one could have predicted that. God tells you not to eat something. God tells you that. The Lord of All Creation. But then you think to yourself, hey, this reptile I’ve never met before says go ahead, take a bite, so I’ll listen to him? It seems more like a prank that got out of hand really.

Zanick: I’m not sure I completely understand. Why do we all think you were the serpent in the Garden then? I mean, like, for centuries people have thought that.

Satan: Probably for the same reason you all think the forbidden fruit was an apple.

Zanick: It wasn’t an apple? What was it?

Satan: Genesis never says. It just says fruit. But it never says what kind. 

Zanick: Why do we think it was an apple then? Where did that come from?

Satan: Well, focus groups during the Renaissance preferred apples, and, you know, even the most visionary artists paint to market. 

Zanick: You did air quotes when you said visionary. 

Satan: I did.

Zanick: All very fascinating. So just to be clear, you weren’t the serpent in the Garden and the fruit wasn’t an apple.

Satan: Correct. And, by the way, when I read the story, I don’t come away thinking humans are sinful so much as they are exceptionally dim. The Woman didn’t even acknowledge the fact that a snake was talking to her. I mean, wouldn’t that be the first thing you mention? Holy shit, a talking snake! [Inaudible] Am I allowed to curse on this show?

Zanick: It’s totally fine. Uh, so, I see what you mean now. Aren’t we supposed to focus, though, on the act of…betrayal? The Man and Woman betray their Creator by eating the forbidden fruit. 

Satan: We could just as easily focus on God’s response. Bit of an overreaction, no? Sure, the humans had one job, and they couldn’t even do that. –Dumbasses - oh, present company excluded of course. And I get the whole tough on crime thing, but again, we’re not dealing with mental giants here. Those two hadn’t even thought up clothing yet. Wandering around naked all day like a couple of bros in a gym locker room. I dunno, maybe throw on a codpiece before going on your big apple heist…or whatever the fruit was. 

Zanick: So then, uh, I guess the question becomes what is your role in all of this? In human affairs. Are you the villain in our story?

Satan: Is an IRS auditor a villain? I mean, who likes the tax man, but is he a villain?

Zanick: So you don’t see yourself as a villain? You see yourself as what–a guy doing an unpopular job? 

Satan: Well, it’s in the name, or the title rather, as I said before. Satan means adversary, but…oh, how would a human understand it? Um…oh, as in a courtroom drama.

Zanick: I don’t follow.

Satan: You’re on trial, the defendant, okay? It’s a bench trial. Your attorney is your advocate, and the judge is supposed to be neutral. So who’s your adversary?

Zanick: The prosecutor.

Satan: Exactly, the guy putting you on trial, accusing you of indecent exposure, Terrence. That’s just an example. But of some crime.

Zanick: Oddly specific.

Satan: The point is that I’m not God’s enemy. I’m your enemy, humanity’s adversary, if you need to be so black and white about it. I work for God. I put you on trial so to speak.

Zanick: Why put us on trial though? What did we do?

Satan: Are you kidding? Ok, well, maybe something, maybe nothing. That’s what the trial’s for, right? How about this: have you ever heard an athlete thank God after winning a championship?

Zanick: All the time.

Satan: Ever heard an athlete thank God after losing a championship?

Zanick: Can’t say I have, no.

Satan: Right…you see what I mean then. Loyalty isn’t loyalty unless it’s tested. And that’s where I come in.

Zanick: Fair enough, but don’t you think possessing people is taking it too far?

Satan: I don’t possess people.

Zanick: Well, then, one of your demons - someone under your charge does it.

Satan: I’m beginning to think you haven’t read my book. Beelzebub handles all that. Not my department. I don’t waste my time playing with dolls.

Zanick: I’m afraid to ask this next question because I’m sensing I’ll get schooled again, but aren’t you Beelzebub?

Satan: Oh, so we all look alike to you? No. He’s a Philistine god. I am what I am. It’s fine though. People confuse us all the time. I don’t usually correct them anymore. It’s like how everyone thinks Mary Magdalene is the prostitute mentioned in a previous chapter, or that Luis Guzmán was the villain in Ghost. At some point, you just go with it.

Zanick: That wasn’t Luis Guzmán?

Satan: No, that was Rick Aviles. He’s a good sport about it. Luis Guzmán, I mean.

Zanick: What about the whole war in heaven, the fallen angel stuff? That’s gotta be you.

Satan: Where did you hear about that?

Zanick: The Book of Revelation. I'm pretty sure everyone’s heard about that.

Satan: The Book of Revelation. The book about the end times. And that’s all happened, has it? The end times -they’ve happened already? If so, kind of a damp squib. 

Zanick: Are you saying that because the end…

Satan: Or is it squid? Damp squid. 

Zanick: Squib, I think. Yeah, squib, as in a damp firecracker. So…if I understand you…

Satan: That makes more sense. Squids are damp already, so that’s probably not a thing.

Zanick: No. But if I could circle back to…

Satan: It’s like when Gabriel says “scotch free.” “I can’t believe he got off scotch free.” But who’s gonna correct an Archangel, especially that guy? [Snorts] Trust me, the Messenger will shoot the messenger.

[Music playing]

Zanick: We’ll be right back.

[Music playing]

Zanick: We were talking about the end times. 

Satan: Right. The end times. It’s not like they’re subtle - I think you’d notice if they’d happened. According to the Revelation, we’re owed some seas and rivers turning to blood, and the moon becomes as blood, and hail and fire are mixed with blood. Hmmm…

Zanick: What?

Satan: A lot of blood talk in that book now that I’m really thinking about it. [Pause] And a lot of spoilers. Sorry, what were you asking? Oh, war in heaven, fallen angel, ruler of Hell, that stuff. Got it. Look, that’s all part of the Apocalypse. So, am I to be blamed for things I haven’t actually done yet? Are we doing Minority Report here?

Zanick: Great movie.

Satan: I loved Minority Report. Tenet, I couldn’t follow.

Zanick: So in a sense, you’ve been a scapegoat for a lot of humanity’s transgressions.

Satan: Seriously, you’re gonna do the whole goat thing? Why not hand me a pitchfork while you’re at it? Rude.

Zanick: I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, uh, stereotype…to…uh…

Satan: Ha! I’m just messing with you. Black Phillip rules. 

Zanick: [Inaudible] Speaking of films, can you give us your best and worst? The movie you consider to be a fairly accurate portrayal of you and the one that was way off.

Satan: Did you see The Devil Wears Prada?  

Zanick: With Meryl Streep? Really?

Satan: Nah. Relax, man. I like to keep it light. The Devil and Daniel Webster. Classic. The great Walter Huston played me before he did Treasure of Sierra Madre. You know it?

Zanick: Sorry, no. I haven’t seen that one.

Satan: The last act–brilliant. But, um, yeah, I would say The Witch is one of my favorites. The conversation I have with Anya-Taylor Joy at the end. [Whispering] “Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?” [Pause] Epic. 

Zanick: And the worst?

Satan: I don’t wanna…I don’t wanna hurt anyone’s feelings. I will say, however, that I don’t monologue. That’s definitely not me, although I am otherwise a huge Pacino fan. Oh damn - you can strike that in editing, right?

Zanick: Don’t worry about it. Um, ok, I want to end by asking this as delicately as I can, and I don’t mean this in any derogatory way, but you have been called the Father of Lies. So what do you say to people who won’t believe a word of what you’ve said today? 

Satan: Father of Lies sounds bad, a hundred percent bad. But lies are essential to human civilization.

Zanick: How so? 

Satan: Oat milk, every graduation speech, royalty. And those are off the top of my head.

Zanick: I have to say that you are not who I expected, and I would love to have you back because I feel we’re only at the first or second circle of Hell, if I may use that metaphor.

Satan: Cute. Sure, I’d be happy to keep the conversation going. Ever since humans invented “the comment section," I’ve been able to work half-days, so my schedule’s wide open.

Zanick: Satan, uh Steve, thank you. Best of luck with the book.

Satan: Thank you, Terrence. See you in Hell.

Zanick: What?

Satan: I’m kidding, there is no Hell…yet.

[Theme music]

[End transcription 00:16:006]