Chainsaw vs Axe

“Grab the chain saw”. 

“Chain Saw? Noooo way! I’m getting the axe!”.

“Axe!, you’re kidding me Martha… err?”. 

A look of bitterness swept across Martha’s face. She bumbles around and walks unevenly around the man on the ground. 

The man on the ground had sweat covered around his neck, trying to keep his breath steady, “How about we don’t do that? And just let me go?”. 

Martha’s beloved, Johnny, growls and limps back against the broken pillar. He looks at the man and then back at Martha, “Honey, please just get the chainsaw?”. 

“Why? Why… err… not an axe?”

“Because an axe is messy and slow, with a chainsaw it’s loud and fast”. 

“Oh! You love loud and fast, don’t you?”. 

“What’s that…errr…. supposed to mean?”Johnny veins started to bulge out of his head. 

Martha lets out a loud growl of annoyance and continues to limp around the man on the ground, “You know exactly what I mean!”.

“Well I don’t!....errr…”. 

“Guys! Guys! What’s the problem?”The man was now crossed legged on the dirted floor with the smell of moss and decaying leaves underneath him, “We’re all civilized here aren’t we?”. 

“Civilized? Please!?....err…. Look at what happened to your civilization! It’s gone! Just like Martha’s common sense!” Johnny clenches his rotting jaw.

Martha snarls at Johnny, “So we want to talk about common sense?! Do you realize if….errrr…. we use a chainsaw the others will hear? They’ll know we got fresh meat!....errrr….”. 

“Um… I’m right here”, the man awkwardly chuckles. 

“It’s hardly brain surgery, Martha!”. Johnny spits, “We will be in and out! Just eat the brain! There’s no reason to use the axe! Why be careful?”. 

“Because Johnntha, I don’t want the others to find out! It’s bad enough these survivors had found ways to escape from us by using their boomboxes and iMods-”. 

“It’s actually called iPods…”, the man corrected. The man looks at Johnny and Martha. He could smell the toxic pungent smell from their rotting flesh. Their jaws were almost about to fall out, only held by the tiny piece of skin from their face. Their skin and eyes were both discoloured, reminding the man of a rusty copper. 

From what the man could guess was that Johnny must’ve gotten bitten first then Martha based on how deteriorated their bodies were. They would do anything to feed on the man, which meant he had to act fast. 

“Hey… Martha?”, the man asked. 

Martha immediately limps towards the man and hisses, “Shut it, …err...human”. 

“Right… I was just going to ask when exactly are you going to eat my brain? Cause i’m on a schedule… soo”, The man shifts his weight side to side. 

“I would! If Johnny wasn't so stubborn  with how we can open… err... your head!”. 

Johnny rolls his one eye as his other eye was hanging outside of his face, with the only thing  holding it in place was the optic nerve, “Oh please, you’re the stubborn one! If it were up..err… to me, I would’ve cut open your head by using my mouth”.

Martha's eyes welled up and swung her arms side to side. As she does this one of her arms falls off of her and she growls, “Johnntha, we’re classy, we’re not …err …wackadoo’s!”. 

“Martha please! Just grab the chainsaw and let's just eat!”. 

Off in the distance, a three-eyed bird drinks out of a radioactive pond. Martha howls and screams at it until it flies away in the distance towards where there was disease and famine. The man ponders on how he can get out of this situation when he realizes there was something to exploit here.  

The man snickers and turns towards Martha, “Hey, Mattie, I can call you Mattie right?”.

Martha snarls at the man, who started to look at a big old rotten steak, which made her stomach cry, “Oh you know what? Whatever, I’ll get the chainsaw!”. 

Johnny smirks  through his yellow teeth, “Finally!”.  

“Wait! Wait”, The man jumps in the air and steadies his breath, “You really want to eat my brain? I mean… don’t you want to work on the issue that has been bothering you guys?”. 

Martha lowers her chainsaw and looks at Johnny. Johnny raises his non-existent eyebrow, “What? Why did… err…  you stop?”. 

The man continues, “Martha, is there something you wanna say?”. Martha looks at Johnny’s bleeding flesh, between them a thick environment of plants could grow with the amount of time they stood there. Up above them gnats of clouds flew around them aimlessly, with the smell of radioactive lingered in their noses.  A frog croaks in the distance but that could be an imagination from the man’s head. 

“Martha?-”. 

“I know you have been eating  brains with Sausan!”She blurted out. “-and I know you have been dragging down those survivors without me and biting them to turn them into us!”. 

Johnny was astonished and grunted, “I did not!”.  

“Did tooooo! ..errr.. Did too!”Martha throws the chainsaw down. 

“Well, see there is an issue! Johnny, do you have anything to say?”. 

Johnny clenches his broken toe nails together at the man, “Martha! Can’t you see what the fresh meat is doing? He’s trying to have us pin at each other!”. 

Martha attempts to cross her one arm over her non-existent arm, “Don’ttt caree”, she turns away from Johnny.

“Martha, please let’s just open up his head and eat his brain and get out of here!”.

“Are you sure about that?”, the man questioned, “I mean don’t you want to air out this situation you had going on with Sausan with your…uhh wife?”. 

“Shut it human!You think you’re sooo great because your heart beats and your lungs give you air…err… around your body!”, if the dead can show anger, Johnny sure can. 

The man shakes his head, “Oh no no, I’m just trying to give you a pleasant experience when you're trying to eat me you know? It’s never good to eat angry!”. 

The man carefully walked towards them, he had to focus on putting one foot in front of the other foot at a time. He knew what he was about to do was crazy. He reaches for Martha’s one arm and Johnny’s arm. They both felt gooey and slimy, their flesh was so soft it felt like raw meat. He could smell the toxic pungent smell as flies die around them. 

“You guys shouldn’t fight, you too are made for eachother!”The man places both of their arms together in an interlocking position. 

Johnny and Martha looked at each other’s rotting eyes. Martha could see a worm making itself comfortable in Johnny's empty socket. 

“Oh… Martha”, Johnny whispers. 

“Johnny….”. 

Johnny touches Martha's face, “I can’t be mad… err..  at you! I'm sorry”. 

Martha smiles, showing off her yellow teeth, “either can I! Let's never…err…  fight again!”.

Johnny nods, “Yes, let’s not!”. Johnny holds on to Martha’s arm, “Now, let's join our fresh meat! Bring the axe, and let's eat his brain-”. 

“Errr?”. 

As soon as Martha and Johhny can enjoy their meal, the man was gone. Leaving behind a thank you note for not trying to eat his brain.