Estella, a star

When will you look up at the shimmering stars? Are you waiting for a meteoric shower to make a wish when you are desperate? Or recharging the batteries and preparing for the upcoming challenge ahead by putting aside the daily trivia? Or suffering from depression, insomnia and anxiety, to name but a few— these all are the negativities may confront under grievance in life. For the protagonist of this story , she just wanted to elude from the misery, bewilderment and painstaking process in her life: there is nothing more than a stopgap measure for preventing long-standing suffocating with excessive workload, multifarious lethal choices and overwhelming expectation from parents, friends and more. Isn’t it preposterous? But it exists, especially living a so-called prosperous, affluent and renowned metropolis with ossified money-oriented image— Hong Kong.

Undue emphasis was placed on monetary incentives. Enduring incomparable stress, a female youngster with hollow eyes, Estella, raised her head to the dark blue sky which is full of languishing stars. She was pondering her future life with predecessors’ advice — a father-knows-best guidance with the clearest truism — to find a stable job, to marry, to have a child and then to live strenuously until you die. It was very simple and commonplace like a role model for everyone and she has no exception. The deeper she meditates, the darker her black eyes. She knew that was not what she wanted.

She just wanted to seize all once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for either broadening horizons or experience unique whole life. That must be different from others; that must be distinctly happy. To imagine her perfect lifestyle and scenery: she could venture her genuine opinion without regret; she could experience exclusive and long-lingering adventure such as parachuting, scuba diving, voyage and so on; she could be carefree, unmolested and unfettered. She could do anything and go anywhere in anytime. Those are she hungering for. Yet, why not?

She isn’t bold enough to change her monochromatic world. She is just a timid, introversive and taciturn girl with a series of cause-and-effect question. And always soliloquized as softly as a flying mosquito, ‘ what if I don’t listen to the authoritative ascendants? What if I fail? What if this is the only way I can live?’ A repeated rhetorical questions raised. Her ascendants were successful in academics, doctors either at school or at hospital who indoctrinate a litany of mere concept in success: only endeavoring as assiduous as me, sitting on the position with supremacy, can make your life better. At least you have your own bargaining power. They expressed proud tirade with their abundant experience and reminded Estella, ‘You can both whimper and curse but please put it in your mind.’

Undoubtedly, it’s true. However reasonable this argument seems to be grounded and profound which is hardly disputed. It could not solace Estella’s discontentment towards life. She grumbled about the cramming education with false dichotomy; she hated that the odds are stacked against her; she couldn’t understand the diverse world with political turmoil and economic uncertainty. More importantly, she could not accept that her qualification, interests and contributions are under-appreciated. Meanwhile, she would like to be likable, adorable and elegant. She wanted everyone loving her and she could feel she was beloved. With such conflict, therefore, she wanted to be alone at harbor for watching the alternatively occulting stars. Perhaps only the stars knew— what she was thinking.

People claimed that going outside and parting company with work, study or all relationship would make people cheer up. So, Estella conformed what others’ say and followed; whereas, she rather appreciate the shimmering stars at night than walking under the sweltering sun in the morning due to the striking resemblance of them. Furthermore, she was convinced by the Chinese mysterious myth that the ancients would become stars to safeguard next generation after walking across Lethe Wharf.

The romanticism and fantastical illusion in blood drove her to fight against the cliche when she had already knocked out because she was born to hedonic intrinsically like the blinking stars had already existed in sky naturally per se. Paradoxically, her seemingly invincible fantasy and dream actually unfounded and impossible— she must strike a balance between the bread and butter and crazy amusing adventure. What on earth should she do?

Is her feeling just the tip of the iceberg in the world which shouldn’t take into account? What is the paramount importance in life? What really matters is either her personal desires and happiness or success under stereotype? She puzzled over and remained in silence. The melodramas had already staged in her brain and engulfed her spirits. Right now, she only knew that life is ephemeral and there was a ripple effect made by choices. She didn’t want to be outstanding and became the centre of attention, nor did she be a rascal while she always was a intelligent elite with proper manner in others’ view.

Unprecedentedly, she realized that how people exerted their own superficially explicit expectation on her and they are trying to nudge the pendulum — being a main character in their own life — keep chatting how they see the world on a one-track mind. This time, she sniggered bizarrely. The breeze blew and fanned her face which accidentally bailed her out of the quagmire.

‘Who cares? Who say I must keep abreast with modern Hong Kong zeitgeist? Who say I have to do the same as others? If I can take my own responsibility, who is qualified to say anything? I have to break down my accustomed bleak thought.’ She envisaged the consequence and encumbrance— at least I won’t regret and say the term of ‘ I would have…’, albeit unaffordable and detrimental to my possible future, it’s fine! I don’t care what it really jeopardizes me because I have firm conviction— once it’s mine, it will be the best.

A multitude of beliefs surged to her heart. She grinned from ear to ear and kept her chin up to the beautiful, gorgeous and twinkling stars— she truly believed that there was a uphill battle yet it is surmountable. She had steely determination.