The Last Ten Seconds

This is the end. I can’t believe this is happening. But, now I’ll know what comes next. It’s not fair. Who wants to know this? Will I ever see them again? Will I remember them? Will it hurt? God help me. How can I do this? I can’t. I don’t. I am just not ready. Don't take me yet. I - I haven’t done enough. I haven’t done it all. I’m - I'm not finished yet! There’s so much more I wanted to do. Never got to travel with her. Work doesn’t count. And alone. Always alone. Airports. Planes. Business. This isn’t living. But I chose it. Idiot! Why? Because of money? What does that matter now? Was it even worth it? I can’t change it. Can I change it? Did I fail them? What have I done?

Have I told them enough how much I love them? I tried. I tried my best. Ellie will be strong. She always was; that’s why I married her. God, she was always so beautiful. And now, even 30 years later, she still takes my breath away. 

Those days were the happiest days of my life. I remember standing there, watching her slowly walk towards me, veil over her face, white satin dress shimmering in the pink pulse of the sun setting. My heart raced like a lovesick schoolboy, yet she never let her gaze slip from mine. That first kiss changed my life. Then to become one in the most intimate of ways, relishing the aroma of her hair amidst the contented sighs of deep satisfaction. Our sanctuary; holy place. Does she know how much I love her?

————

“Janey! Are you up? We’ve got to head to the airport soon.”

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Oh, Janey. I’ll miss you. Daddy’s here. Daddy wants to be here. You’re beautiful in every way. I always wanted to see you grow up. Wanted to hold your hand as you descended into the living room on prom night towards some lucky schmuck who probably won’t even know the blossom on loan to him. So few of us ever do. I’m sorry for that. Sorry I couldn’t prepare you more. Sorry I couldn’t be a perfect example or even had a chance to teach you what I learned from my foolishness. I wish that my mistakes could have been a preventive tool in your arsenal against pains of the heart. Choose wisely. May he be worthy. Oh God, may she be strong. May she and her mom hold tightly to each other. This is going to ruin them. I hope not. Please let it not.

But there were happy times, too. So many happy times. Did they matter, though? It was the little things. Always the little things. A card game here, game of chess there. When was our last family vacation? Oh, she was so little. That age was such a hodgepodge of avid fury and tender devotion. Why can’t she be five again? I knew how to connect with her. A little tickle, a book, a kiss, a snuggle. Simple. Now, a little woman. I’m so proud of her. Does she know it? Have I told her enough? God, this sucks.

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Me? Of course, I’m up, Mom. I’ve been lying here awake for hours. Half-dreading, half-thrilled dad’s coming home. Will he even notice that I’ve changed? Will he actually “see me”? Doubt it. He means well, but it’s like there is nothing to talk about anymore. Yet, everything is on my mind! How is there nothing to talk about? Can’t he just be normal? Natural. Chat with me like a person? Not everything is a lesson. Just talk to me. But, nope. That’s too much to ask because he’s uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable, too, dad! Don’t you think this whole world is uncomfortable?! Do you have any idea what is going on today? My friends are damn near suicidal. Algebra alone is going to kill someone. And the sex? The sex...it’s just the new pathway to enlightenment, but it comes with claws and arterial blood splatter for everyone I know. Why do they sacrifice themselves every single time? I don’t get it. And I’m alone. I don’t want that chaos in my life. But, it’s everywhere. It’s all around me. How am I ever going to survive it all? But nope, nothing to talk about...just silence. Dead silence.

“Yeah, I’m up, mom.”

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I’ve been such a fool. Can those many mistakes and indiscretions be erased? I’ve scarred my own remembrance by such youthful idiocy. If only I could have gone back to my younger self. I’d have kicked my own ass a few times. Idiot! Don’t you know what you’ve got?! God, send her someone better than me. Her magnificence should always be cherished by someone...and I did not do it justice.

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Oh, that child. She drives me nuts. Hopefully she’ll be ready soon. How’s my hair? So many grey and white strands. I like it, but will he? Will he still want me? Does he still want me after all this time? Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I’m sure he’s been faithful. He loves me. He loves me. He wouldn’t do that again. He’s changed so much. You can do this. It’ll all be okay. Just prep the coffee and get ready to beat the traffic. Airports suck.

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Give Ellie the strength to do it alone. Hopefully not for too long. I’m so thankful that for 30 years she’s been mine. We were so young. So free. Her hair always caught the sun so perfectly, like a halo. From chestnut brown to salt and wrinkles, it’s been an honor. How did I deserve her? I didn’t. But she loved me anyway. God be good to her. What are they going to do? I’ll love them forev….

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“...This just in. Flight 731 of PanAmerica has crashed somewhere in the Atlantic. All 227 souls on board are believed to have perished. As of yet, the cause is unknown, but in the next few….”