Buck Wants Cake

Buck Wants Cake:

A Story Told in Texts and Calls

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(Link to document with the story's original "mobile phone" formatting: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-TQmYkNlyeaJrIyFdUXKGBhVJ8jRTlvpucltRFsHha0/edit?usp=sharing)

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SWEATY

Me: [Image of a three-tiered wedding cake under a layer of golden marzipan. The smallest tier on top is the scene of a tropical blue jello lagoon, clustered with miniature fondant lilies and orchids in blue and orange and pink. With the help of piped gel, the lagoon appears to froth and flow and pour down over the edge of the cake through a series of intricate cuts in the lower tiers, dusted with fine, edible paint to make it look like a rocky waterfall.]

Me: <DAMN THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS!>

SWEATY: <Cool. Thanks for picking that up. You can just put it in the fridge for now. Gave Katy a tip, right?>

Me: <Yeah I just wrote it on the receipt>

<I’m gonna tear into this tomorrow>

<Like a frickin wild animal>

<You can’t stop me>

<I WILL TEAR YOUR THROAT OUT FOR A PIECE WITH JELLO ON IT.>

SWEATY: <Better not talk like that tomorrow or there are gonna be some consequences, Buckjack. And actually, that cake you picked up is just for me and Candice, so don’t think about it.>

Me: <W>

<What>

>>Outgoing voice call to SWEATY

call declined

>>Outgoing voice call to SWEATY

call declined

Me: <HEY>

>>Outgoing voice call to SWEATY

call declined

SWEATY: <Sorry, I can’t talk right now.>

Me: <WHY DON'T I GET ANY FANCY CAKE?>

>>Outgoing voice call to SWEATY

call declined

SWEATY: <Buck, I’m in the ER with Aaron. What the hell do you want?>

Me: <WHY DON’T I GET ANY FANCY CAKE?>

SWEATY: <I ordered 5000 cupcakes from Daisy-Mart catering. You’re gonna get dessert like everybody else after the ceremony tomorrow night.>

Me: <YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT CAKE WAS JUST FOR YOU AND CANDICE, I’m your own BABY BROTHER AND YOU WANNA BE A SELFISH ASS ON A DAY YOU EXPECT ME TO CELEBRATE YOU??? BS MAN, THERE IS NO FRICKIN WAY YOUR LACTOSE INTOLERANT ASS AND LIL MISS PETITE ARE GONNA EAT THIS ENTIRE FRICKIN THING YOURSELCES IN ONE EVENING>

>>Incoming voice call from SWEATY

call accepted

Me: “Hey, bro. ‘Sup?”

SWEATY: “Okay. I’m only gonna tell you this once. I’m frickin’ sick of your attitude today, alright? Stop it.”

Me: “Stop what? What did I do?”

SWEATY: “First of all, I told you to set up chairs, and I came back ten minutes later to you not setting up chairs and instead telling my best man his date for this weekend looks like a terrorist.”

Me: “Wh— she does! It’s funny!”

SWEATY: “What does that even mean, she looks like a terrorist? What— What… What possesses you to just say these things?”

Me: “W’ll, she doesn’t have any eyebrows—”

SWEATY: “Yeah, well, she’s VJ’s first date, in like, a really long time, and I think he actually has a crush on her, so don’t go screwing it all up before it even begins. And I also don’t need you screaming to everyone in earshot that my fiancée is on her period.”

Me: “Is Candice on her period? I only thought so ‘cause when she saw my digs for tomorrow she started screamin’ her head off about how the groomsmen are supposed to be in bOaRD sHoRtS, nOT sWiM tRUnKs! NYEH!”

SWEATY: “She… Yeah, she's on her period, Buck. Shut the frick up. *muffled* Uh yeah, well, we thought heat stroke, ‘cause… *muffled* says his stomach hurts really bad. Hey, Aaron, you got your insurance card handy?”

Me: “God, Flint. Why you marrying a girl on her period? Eww.”

SWEATY: “‘Kay, little man. I’m slapping cupcakes out of your hands tomorrow night. You earned it.”

Me: “I don’t want a cupcake! I want your cake! Industrial buttercream cupcakes at a wedding are, like, violently sad! I’m not your peon!”

SWEATY: “You wanna eat wedding cake? Get married. *unintelligible* “Deep breaths, okay? Oh… oookay… Buck, I gotta go. Aaron just projectile vomited that protein bar all over my shirt. Calm your ass down for me.”

boop boop boop

~~~

I SNORT TOILET PAPER

Me: <I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <OH? A PROPOSITION?>

Me: <IT’S WEIRD>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <YE?>

Me: <WILL YOU MARRY ME?>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <Wat 🤣>

Me: <Flint said we have to get married so I can have cake so let’s get married>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <But Buck you’re not gay. Or is this>

<Are you telling me>

Me: <No I’m not gay but Flint said only the wedding xouple gets the wedding cake, everyone else only gets cupcakes, it’s not fair>

<He’s gatekeeping the cake>

<You’re my best friend>

<Please marry me so I can have really good cake>

<Wait I just realized>

<Dude if it’s a gay wedding can we get a cake with every color of jello?>

<And like every kind of frosting?>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <Ye bro! Didn’t you know that’s how it works? 😆>

<Did you ask Flint if you could have some of his?>

<He’d be a jerk not to give you some. He’s your brother.>

Me: <YES I DID ASK.>

<HE SAID NO.>

<HE SAID GET MARRIED IF I WANT SOME.>

<IT LOOKE SO GOOD.>

[image]

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <DANGM DUDE THAT LOOKS AMAZEBALLS>

Me: <I KNOW.>

<I PULLED ONE OF THE PEARLS OFF WITH MY FINGERNAILS AND ATE IT BUT IT TASTES LIKE WAXY CRAP. I WANNA TASTE THE ACTUAL CAKE PART.>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <WHY IS YOUR BROTHER GATEKEEPING HIS CAKE?>

<WHY IS HE CAKEKEEPING?>

Me: <BC HIS FIANCE IS ON HER PERIOD>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <WAT>

Me: <HE CRASHED OUT AT ME CUZ CANDICE IS ON HER PERIOD>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <MY CONDOLENCES>

<BRAVE BUCK>

<THE BRAVE AND THE STUPID>

Me: <OUR CAKE WILL BE BIGGER THAN FLINTS CAKE>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <Buck I don’t even think I can afford a wedding cake atm 😅>

<I can’t even buy you flowers>

<I sorta went ham on adopting another penguin last week>

<Ever since I dropped out of college I’m a full-time penguin dad>

[image of said penguin dad, grinning, blond hair mussed and clutching two bundles of flippers and feathers under his armpits]

Me: <Man>

I SNORT TOILET PAPER: <Yea, you gotta find someone else to marry. But I LOVE YOOOOUUUUUU!!!>

~~~

MOTHER

Me: <Mom Flint said he’s gonna slap cake out of my hands at the wedding. Can I slap his cheeks?>

Me: <MOM>

~~~

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮)

Me: <Hey.>

<I’m sorry I called your new girlfriend a terrorist.>

<Please don’t be pissed at me.>

<And don’t crash out I’m probably hungry and dehydrated like we were talking about earlier when Aaron passed out at rehearsal, and Flint said I should be nice to you because he thought you’d never find a girlfriend. So we’re both realy glad you’re in the wedding>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <Screw Flint.>

Me: <TEA???>

>>Outgoing call to VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮)

call declined

Me: <BRO WHAT?>

<SCREW FLINT?>

<EUHGHGH?>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <You tell him to mind his own damn

business, K?>

<Also Cy and I aren’t dating. It’s complicated. But even if we were you don’t need to tell her the antibiotics for my leg are making me “piss out my ass.” We were just setting up chairs. WTF.>

Me: <If you ever got married would you share your fancy wedding cake with me?>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <Think I’m gonna be a bachelor well into my 70s if I don’t run a few amps over my heart by accident before then.>

Me: <DON’T SAY THAT, I WANNA COUNT ON YOU.>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <You wouldn’t even be invited, you little

crackbasket n a half.>

Me: <🥺>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <*headpats* Of course I’d let you have cake. You’re basically my little brother too. What, is Flint not sharing? That’s news.>

Me: <NO HES NOT, AND MY FRIEND BARRY WON’T MARRY ME SO IM UP SHIT CRICK>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <Well I can dropkick your ginger clown of a brother into the ocean. Or we could just steal some cake together.>

<Wanna do that?>

<I’m in a petty mood.>

<Where’s the cake now?>

Me: <In the penthouse. I’m lookin right at it.>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <Oh damn. Sorry, I don't have a key. I'm not allowed up there anymore.>

Me: <What??? Aren’t you and Flint still bestest roomies?>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <Nope. Candice put all my clothes in garbage bags and threw them out on the street. As of now, I sleep in a tarp in my workshop covered in cat hair.>

<Like I said, I’m in a petty mood.>

Me: <Well frick.>

~~~

FOOT CREAM STEVE

Me: <Hey Steve, this is Buck, Flint’s little brother>

<I was wondering, you’ve been married 6 times, right?>

<Does that mean you’ve gotten 6 wedding cakes>

FOOT CREAM STEVE: <What do you take me for? What kind of a question is that? You don’t have just one wedding cake when you have unlimited cash to spare on preparations. I thought my second ex really was the one, so we had 300. They were pitaya and mascarpone, if I remember correctly. Glorious desserts. My father let me vet the bakers personally beforehand.>

Me: <Full size cakes???>

<Did you share them with the guests?>

FOOT CREAM STEVE: <Well, did you expect me to eat them all myself? I have to keep my trim figure. We’re still developing that muscle growth formula engineered from the patterns of my own DNA. Truthfully I don’t know what happened to those cakes, and I don’t care who ate them.>

Me: <Okay.>

<Cool.>

<So like>

<I have a question for you>

FOOT CREAM STEVE: <Why do you only send your texts one word at a time? You’re like one of my summer home’s gardeners when the water hose sputters and threatens to ruin my shoes.>

Me: <Steven will you marry me? All I want is cake and we can divorce afterwards.>

FOOT CREAM STEVE: <I’d say you’re after alimony, but I know you’re dense enough not to be.>

Me: <IM NOT DENSE>

<I’m hungryyyyyyyyy>

<Let me be your 7th ex>

<I don’t even want your money I swear I won’t use the alomony for nipple piercings>

FOOT CREAM STEVE: <You humor me.>

<But sorry.>

<Don’t be ridiculous.>

<My 24 hour accidental whirlwind weddings are reserved for select, genuine women of class, not grubby little miscreant children.>

<If I’m going to be honest with you>

<I’ve decided to marry Flint and Candice’s wedding photographer>

<I’m proposing to her at the bachelor party tonight.>

Me: <WHAT>

<FLINT SAID YOU COULDN’T BANG THE BRIDESMAIDs>

<HE SAID THAT IN THE LIMO WHEN WE GOT YOU FROM THE AIRPORT>

FOOT CREAM STEVE: <But he said nothing about the photographer. You’re the first to know I’m truly in love this time.>

Me: <I’LL takE A SHIT ON YOUR GOLDEN GRAVE, NEPO GARBO>

<REST IN PISS>

~~~

EGG LADY

Me: <Cheryl! What’s up my slime?>

EGG LADY: <Josh?>

Me: <No it’s Buck Fresnel. We met at the mall. I was the one who kicked the mannequin.>

EGG LADY: <Riiiiiiight, i just didn’t recognize your number.>

<Wait.>

<Did you have red cornrows and the homemade tongue piercing?>

Me: <YES! THAT’S ME, YOU REMEMBER!>

<Wanted nipple piercings too but I’d need to be a millionaire for that.>

<Almost was one.>

<By marriage.>

<I got rejected.>

<I been rejected a lot lately>

<Im really lonely>

EGG LADY: <Ok…>

Me: <Remember how I told you you have glitter for skin?>

<And you said what does that mean?>

EGG LADY: <Yep>

<Ok so Buck…>

<I’m not looking for a relationship right now.>

<Byeeee…>

Me: <I wasn’t gonna ask you that>

<I was just gonna ask if we could get married>

<And then get divorced>

<Just so I could have wedding cake>

>>message could not be delivered

>>message could not be delivered

>>message could not be delivered

>>message could not be delivered

~~~

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮)

Me: <VJ what’s it like to never have anyone love you>

<How do you cope with being completely alone in the universe because no one wants you to be happy>

<You’re just a sad wasted flesh sack who will never know the taste of good cake>

>>incoming voice call from VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮)

call accepted

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): “Nobody wants to marry you, huh?”

Me: “Bruh, I proposed to my entire contacts list! What the hell is wrong with people?”

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): “Oooohhhh, poor Buckyyy… Okay, So here’s what you do. You take a knife, And you cut, like, the smallest, thinnest sliver of cake for yourself, like fingernail thickness, so when Flint sees it tomorrow, he’ll be like ‘huh, something looks off.'"

Me: “That would only work if I was only interested in a fingernail slice of big delicious wedding cake. I want my fair wedge.”

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): “Then I don’t know what to tell ya, man. Flint’s wedding, Flint’s choice. Before they dropped the ‘Fire & Ice’ theme for outfits I wasted two hundred bucks on a neon orange suit that Candice then told me I couldn’t wear because I’m blond. And Flint went along with it. So now I don’t get my new Van de Graaff I wanted. Sucks to suck.”

Me: *fake sniffling*

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): “Or, I dunno. Just buy a cake for yourself.

It doesn’t have to be a wedding cake.”

Me: “Will you really dropkick Flint if it makes both of us feel better? You’re taller and stronger than me. I don’t wanna get killed.”

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): “Yeah, well, Flint has abs and I don’t.

Did you literally hear what I just said?”

Me: “No. What?”

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): “I said you can order a cake fancier than Flint’s with whatever decorations n’ stuff you want on it and not call it a wedding cake. Cakes can be for whatever occasion you want ‘em to be. You can get a cake just for being in a petty mood. The bakers don’t care.”

Me: “Oh… Well… I can do that?”

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): “Yes. You can do that. You’re nineteen. You can legally do a lot of stuff I wish you couldn’t.”

Me: “But I don’t have money—”

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): “I know you don’t. But you’re smart, Bucky. Get where I’m going with this? Do you?”

~~~

SWEATY

>>outgoing voice call to SWEATY

call accepted

SWEATY: “Whaddaya need?”

Me: “How’s Aaron?”

SWEATY: “Sleeping. He won’t be in the ceremony tomorrow. Candice’ll be pissed, but oh well. Enough’s gone wrong with this wedding already. I just wanna get to the party with Steve and get shitfaced.”

Me: “Cool, cool. Hey, before you do that, can you buy me my own fancy cake?”

SWEATY: “I thought I told you you weren’t getting any cake because you can’t behave yourself.”

Me: “You said I couldn’t have any wedding cake, which in your mind is fancy wedding cake and-or violently sad cupcakes. You didn’t say anything about fancy cake not made for your wedding. So here’s my new proposi—"

SWEATY: “I don’t wanna hear it.”

Me: “HERE’S my new proposition. You buy me a cake with every color jello, just ‘cause I’m feeling petty, and I promise not to touch your cake or misbehave at all tomorrow. I’ll be good.”

SWEATY: "Will you be good?”

Me: “I promise I’ll be good. I promise I’ll only say nice things about you and Candice and I won’t scream at anybody. Please just get me a cake. You showed me how good a cake can look. I already ate one pearl off it. If you don’t buy me one, I’m gonna cut some—”

SWEATY: “You what?”

Me: “I’m sorry I’m a skrunkly demon. But I’m family, and like you said, enough’s gone wrong with this wedding already—”

SWEATY: “God! Fine, Buck! Fine! I’ll buy you a frickin’ jello cake! You still have my credit card! Go place an order yourself! It’s not gonna be done for a week, probably. Good luck waiting.”

Me: “Pff, what… Whaddaya mean? How long does it take to make one of these?

SWEATY: “Do you have any idea how many weddings besides ours are going on this weekend? I don’t get priority just for bein’ frickin’ Fiery Flint Fresnel. You want a cake from Katy, it’s gonna be a week.”

boop boop boop

~~~

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮)

Me: <Hey>

<So small problem>

<It takes a long time to make a fancy cake>

<And I want some now, so>

<Suicide mission?>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <Tempting…>

Me: <I mean I got an elevator key if you want up here>

<My stomach is growling like a frickin foghorn>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <Can my terrorist girlfriend have some?>

<She’s never had wedding cake either.>

Me: <Interesting negotiations…>

<Sure>

<She can have some>

VOLT NERD (LIKES MIKE OLDFIELD🤮): <Then we’ll be over. ⚡️😎🤙🏻>

<I’ll say it was all your fault.>

Me: <I LOVE YOUUUUUUU>

~