The Lost Girl

Caroline and I have been best friends since kindergarten because we both snored while we slept and had to be kept separate from the rest of the class during naptime. Once we were put in different rooms we skipped nap time to talk to each other, pretending to be asleep when the teacher would come check on us. 

Now we are 17 and taking on a new adventure. We were from Notasulga so we had to get on AL-14 and neither of us had driven on the thruway by ourselves so we were excited. We climbed into Caroline’s sleek grey Malibu: my mother called out for us to put on our seatbelts. We laughed as we complied, yelling our love as we sped down the road. I watched the dust from our driveway rise up behind the tires as the engine rumbled with a low growl and my house faded into a speck in the distance.

With the windows rolled down and my arm out in the air, the coolness felt nice against the stifling heat the sun provided. Trees blurred by in a collage of different shades as the speedometer read 70mph. Diesel filled the air from the beat-up white pickup travelling in front of us. Today’s Top 40 was blasting through the speakers. Our voices clashing with the singers’ with our off-pitch screaming. It was a cacophony of noise that drowned out the sound of the tires against the gravel road.

Turning down the radio we pulled onto the Auburn University campus. We soon found a parking spot near the field and walked over to the diamond where the players were warming up. The snap of the ball being caught was heard from yards away. We set our jackets on the bleachers and searched for the concession stands. Once we each had a hotdog filled with toppings: we walked back to the grandstands. The air was a mixture of popcorn, smoke, and charcoal. We settled into our seats. The first pitch was thrown by a small girl in a sky-blue dress. The ump followed it up by yelling “Play Ball!”

The air was filled with the crack of the bat or the slap of a ball when it hit the mit. The cheering of the crowd crashed like a wave against the opposing boos when a player stepped across home base. We stood with the crowd and the adrenaline pumped through our veins as the scores closed in on each other near the final inning. With a final whoosh of the ball sailing through the air, our team hit a grand slam.

On our way out we pushed through stumbling adults and college students who had had too much to drink. They were whooping and shouting, slapping each other's backs as they dispersed throughout the campus. We watched some of them climb into their cars as we climbed into our own before we headed out for the journey home.

It was close to 8 o’clock and we were two miles from our exit. The night was quiet besides the sound of tires racing down the road. We could no longer see the trees racing past due to the green of them being caught up in the darkness of the night. The moon shone bright from its full position in the cloudless sky and the stars peered down at us from above.

We were so caught up in discussing the best plays of the game that we didn’t notice the car that crossed over the median of the highway. We didn’t see how the car was coming straight at ours. We did see the lights that shone brightly into the windshield, blinding both me and Caroline.

*************

Can you recall the ringing you hear in movies after an explosion? That high pitched whistle that makes you feel deaf. It’s all I can hear right now. The problem, however, is that there was never an explosion. At least not one that I remember. How could I tell, though, when all I see is a blinding light surrounding me?

I remember the screech of metal-on-metal. It resembled someone running their nails down a chalkboard. I’ll never forget the screams I heard as a crackling crunch shot pain through my chest. The momentary blindness of the headlights coming towards me. The bright light that never went away as the sirens screamed in the distance.

*************

Sun streamed through the curtains. The soft, golden rays danced across the messy sheets. I opened my eyes slowly to get used to the brightness. I pulled my aching body up and yawned, looking around me for my glasses. I already wanted the day to be over, and it had just begun.

My best friend, Caroline, passed away a few days ago. We were driving down the highway on the way back from a baseball game when a car swerved into our lane. Caroline had died on impact, but I was driven by ambulance to the nearest hospital. The crash is seared into my mind, leaving the last few days vaguely familiar. All I know is that I was in a coma, and everything else is extremely fuzzy.

I don’t remember waking up in the hospital - or being there at all really. The ride home with my parents is locked somewhere in my mind where I can’t seem to reach. The doctors must have given me some heavy pain medication if I was that out of it. To be so unaware of my surroundings is a fear I’ve had since the accident. We weren’t paying attention to all of our surroundings. The result being the death of my best friend, and I, quite frankly, did not wish to have a similar experience with anyone else.

I left the cool sheets of my bed for the frigid air that had taken over my bedroom. I could see the goosebumps that dotted my arms, even though I knew our house was warm. Shivers wracked my body and I dug my toes into the plush carpet while I stretched, before I looked for my favorite blue sweater. Once I was dressed, I pulled my messy curls into a loose bun and headed down stairs for breakfast. I looked around for my parents, but they seemed to have left for work already.

That’s when I noticed the time and realized I was late for school. I rushed out our front door onto our dirt driveway and sprinted through the looming trees to the road. I didn’t see any cars nearby, but the walk to school wasn’t long. We lived just on the outskirts of the town where all the shops had faded into forests.

It was a fairly sunny morning, with only a few puffs of white scattered across the clear blue sky. The wind carried the scent of the pond from behind our house through the air. It was peaceful and I tilted my face towards the sky and basked in the sunshine that did nothing to warm me up. I didn’t understand why I was so cold when it was nearing 75 degrees outside. I hoped I wasn’t coming down with the flu on top of everything else that had happened.

When I reached the school with its giant clocktower and overwhelming presence, I felt an uneasy feeling go through me. Students were milling around and stalling to get to their class. A girl in a fiery dress was leaning against the lockers as her boyfriend handed her his letterman jacket. A group of girls to their left were pointing at another girl, who was all alone at her locker, and laughing at her as she shied away. A group of boys were shoving each other around and laughing obnoxiously. Snippets of jokes and gossip floated around my head as I made my way towards my locker.

I could see my friend group in the distance, but they all had something off about them. As if their minds were somewhere else. They weren’t really talking to each other, just standing there as if they didn’t want to be there. I assumed they were thinking about Caroline just as much as I was. A whole piece of our friend group was gone. I wasn’t entirely sure what I would say when I got to them either.

They were standing by one of the glass cases that separated the lockers. This case was the one by Caroline’s locker. As I made my way towards them, they started to head down the hall. I went to call out to them when I looked over, and a small picture caught my eye. Not only was the glass full, but there were flowers and notes all over the ground in front of the glass and along the walls beside it. Everything was covered in a memory, or a thought, about Caroline.

I took a deep breath and looked up into the glass case. I was overwhelmed with the amount of pictures of Caroline and our friends. I understood why they had had an air of melancholy surrounding them. The school had put up a memorial and the students had put in their fair share for it. Right in the center was my favorite picture of us, and I could feel the tears building in my eyes.

We were laying with our heads resting next to each other in an open field. Her straight hair was wrapped in mine like the Yin-Yang symbol. I could almost hear our laughter that was radiating from the picture. The smell of the wildflowers that surrounded us lingered in my mind. Our mouths were open in wide smiles while our eyes crinkled in the corners. I remember us talking about what our futures would be. Now she’ll never go to college with the rest of us, or find the love of her life. Her dreams will be left behind as we follow our own; never to see the light of day again.

We were supposed to be roommates at college in the fall. It was already planned that we would be in each other’s wedding, the rest of our lives, until we were gray and old. Now I would be going alone. I would have to go into the remainder of my life without my rock. I just had to push past this and get there because I was going to live the life that Caroline will never have.

I tore my eyes from the picture and stopped back at the lockers. I opened my locker to books I didn’t know and a jacket that wasn’t mine. The normal rose smell of my lotion wasn’t drifting into the hallway. Who was using my locker? I know Caroline’s locker is right next to mine so maybe they moved me away so I wasn’t forced to deal with those memories. I already had most of my books in my bag so one day wouldn’t hurt to be without some of them.

I made my way to my first class. I sat in my usual seat and waited for class to begin. Mr. Kline called out attendance, skipping most names since he saw us walk in, and then told us about the upcoming test and extra credit. This was my favorite class because I love history and my teacher knows this so he always calls on me for answers.

“Can anyone tell me who Thomas Cahill is?”, Mr. Kline looked at us with one eyebrow lifted. I raised my hand because I remembered reading about him. I felt confident in my answer and no one else was raising their hand. He looked around for a few seconds.

“No one? Alright, well take out your textbooks and we will go over him”, I tuned out the rest of what he said as I lowered my hand. By the end of class I felt put out because even though I raised my hand, Mr. Kline still refused to call on me. I understood that the school may want to give me space because my best friend passed away, but this was slightly extreme.

This continued on for my next couple of classes before I decided there was no point in being there. So I left the school grounds, taking the long way home. I finally let how I was feeling about Caroline wash over me, and I walked with tears streaming down my cheeks. I sobbed into the open air. I leaned against a tree and looked up to the sky, wondering why she had to leave me behind.

I took a detour back to the pond. Cattails circled the water; the only reason they hadn’t fully taken over was because we had built a dock so we could jump off of it when we went swimming. I sat on the edge of the dock and took off my shoes and socks. I slipped my feet into the water and was surprised when I felt nothing.

The sun reflected off the water and I had to squint my eyes against the brightness. I let memories wash over me and relaxed. It was almost as if I could feel the bright light around me, calling to me. I breathed out and pushed myself onto my feet, drying them off in the grass, and put my socks and shoes back on before turning back towards my home; turning my back on the warmth of the light.

When I arrived home, my parents were still at work, so I decided to watch T.V. for a while to distract myself. When nothing piqued my interest, I went upstairs to take a nap. I climbed under my covers and curled around my pillow as sleep overtook me.

I awoke to my mom yelling up the stairs. Calling for my dad to come down because she was headed out to the car. I looked over at my clock to see that it was close to seven o’clock and spared a quick thought as to why my mom didn’t call me down for dinner before I threw the covers back and left my room. I saw my dad heading down the stairs, head bowed and his shoulders slumped, and followed him down and outside. As I got into the car I looked up to see my mom looking back at me with an unreadable expression. They both had bags under their eyes like they hadn’t slept in days and my mom looked like she’d been crying.

My dad reached over and squeezed her hand before she turned back to the road and began to drive towards town. I watched the trees go by and wondered if that was how life went by: fast and in a blur. The trees soon turned into small shops that slowly got bigger until we reached the middle of the town. We drove around the little park in the town center and pulled in front of the flower shop.

We went into the shop and my parents started looking around. I went a separate way as the sweet fragrance of flowers filled my nose and considered buying some to put on Caroline’s grave. The shop was full of hydrangeas, tulips, morning glories, and asters. My favorite flowers, pansies, caught my eye from where they were tucked in the back by the counter.

“Would you like some help?”, a girl asked from behind the counter. I just shook my head and gave her a small smile which she returned before turning back to the bouquet she was making.

I heard my parents come up behind me and start a conversation with her. I walked over behind them and leaned against the counter. While my parents paid for the flowers they picked out, I tapped a rhythm against the counter. The drumming from my fingers distracted the girl from what my mother was telling her and she looked at me. Her eyes widened and she held her breath. She slowly released that breath as a sad smile graced her face and her lips trembled before she took a deep breath and looked back at my parents. She finished cashing them out before waving goodbye and we left the shop.

We piled back into the car, my mom - and now my dad - both turning to give me indecipherable looks before sharing one between themselves and starting to drive. I recognized the path we were going along as the way to the cemetery, which meant the flowers were for Caroline. We drove through the cemetery and my mood turned somber. The trees and flowers were beautiful and alive. Thriving in a way that contrasted greatly with the gray of the headstones. Birds sang contentedly on their branches; happy songs that didn’t belong in a place like this.

I was brought back to reality when the car came to a stop. My parents exited the car and I followed suit. I hadn’t been to Caroline’s grave yet so I wasn’t sure where they were headed. My hair blew across my face as the trees started to sway. For a second I believed that I saw Caroline leaning against the tree with a comforting smile on her face, but she was gone. I looked back to my parents as they stood in front of the grave, and I walked up behind them. My mother was leaning into my father’s shoulder with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. I could tell that she was crying into his shoulder before she leaned down and placed the flowers on Caroline’s grave.

I stopped short when I realized that the flowers she had placed on the grave were pansies. They glared up at me as if to mock me. I slowly walked closer so I could see the grave in its entirety, and it felt as if a shockwave went through me. I was paralyzed as my breath caught and my eyes grew round. The grave staring back at me wasn’t Caroline’s.

It was mine.