Mr. Sault Peppers

Eleven-year-old Stan Littleton closes and locks the empty bathroom door. He turns around and passes the toilet and stands directly in front of the large mirror.

“Look at my fine behind, I am so viciously handsome. No more Stan Littleton call me Mr. Sault Peppers, I am the seasoning that makes her food delicious, yeah! This bathroom mirror better appreciates me letting it view my deep seductive looks. This wedding is jamming, but it would not have been lit without the Pepper Man, whoop, whoop”.

Stan spins around gestures his hands like a Hip-Hop hype man.

“My momma hooked me up with this black on black tuxedo. I look tasty like a caramel sundae and my tuxedo is the hot fudge, yummy. My hot plate, hot cakes is here for her daughter’s wedding. But today is our day. Today I prepared her a proposal. Marry me or leave me heart broken. I will give her this ring I have in my pocket”.

Stan chafes his pants right front pocket for the ring. He pokes out his lips turning his head from side to side.

“Wow, I am so beautiful. My peach fuzz is growing in under my manly cute nose. My lips ain’t to big, they look like silk pillows. Wait, I do have Jay-Z lips. Samantha Dupree hope you are ready to be kissing on these huge lips and be my Beyoncé. If I were Beyoncé, I would want to kiss on me. Sault Peppers is a Romeo”.

Mr. Stan Littleton reaches outward with his left hand, lifting upwards the sink handle activating the faucet waterfall. He wets both index fingers and then gently, slowly, rubs both arch eyebrows from inward to out.

“I’m gonna get a mike Tyson tattoo around my right eye. I will look like a total ‘Bad A**!”.

Mr. Littleton reaches forward shutting off the exiting water from the sink’s faucet.

“I know marrying you is the only way you will sleep with me. But do not be alarmed my chocolate cover pork chops. We can wait a few years for that. I just want to marry you and love you better than any man before me. I fell in love with you when you made those baked oatmeal raisin cookies. Yeah, that peach cobbler was to die for. I would spend the night, help you with the dishes. And Ricky lazy butt would just be playing video games”.

Stan places both of his hands into his pockets while continuing looking into the mirror.

“Ricky is my best bud; I will teach him how to become a man, a real man. I know, I am not his biological father, but I will be the closest thing to a father he has ever had. I will provide for both; I will provide for both...”.

Stan’s face expression goes blank. His eyes widen

“Wait, I am in way over my head. How can I provide for an eleven-year-old boy? I do not know what they eat, or even how to dress them. I must go to all the parent teacher’s meetings. I will have to attend all the baseball games even when I do not want too. Do I read him a bedtime story? How am I supposed to know what kids likes to do? Gosh, I got a headache. But, hey, the child is part of the package deal”.

Mr. Littleton reaches into his right pocket scuffling with the ring box. Pulling with more force the box releases itself from the small pocket. He gazes at the box and then back into the mirror.

“What am I doing, Mrs. Dupree isn’t going to marry me. I do not have a job. I barley can reach the first top shelf in anybody’s cabinet. I cannot even ride all the rides at Magic Mountain. If we go out and have drinks, I cannot even get in yet. This is stressing, what is a real man to do. Should I ask my best friend Ricky for his blessing. It is his mother; I really hate to go from his best friend to his stepfather without him knowing it”.

Stan opens the ring box and smiles.

“Wow look at this gorgeous ring. I wonder, why did my father shoot his friend Shawn Peters over this ring. I left a note, I’ll pay you back for the ring, signed SP”.

He elevates the ring higher in the mirror.

“What is wrong with me, Mrs. Dupree will be happy to marry a strong, smart, intellectual handsome stud like myself. And this ring is an older woman best friend. This diamond is freaking huge. The tag is still on the inside of the box. Three, zero, zero, zero, zero. Thirty thousand is cheap for a young professional woman like Candy. I see why my dad’s girlfriend Candy did not marry him. She said she owns her own prostitution ring which is worth millions. My dad should have bought a ring worth some billions instead”.

Stan closes the ring box and slides it back into his right pocket.

“Sault Peppers are you ready to spice up this wedding. Okay, I am going to ask Samantha to dance with me. Then I am going to get on one knee and propose. Dang, I almost forgot, the honeymoon. Where am I going to get the money to pay for that. Come on SP, we need to stay on top of things. Grandpa has a bag of money in the basement, under his large packages of cooking flour. Grandma keeps her flour in the flour jar, I guess grandpa does not like to share his. I always see Cousin Tony smelling it, flour doesn’t have a smell silly Billy”.

Stan Littleton straightens out his bow tie, smiles to check his bright white teeth.

“Thank you, God, for sending me the older women of my dreams. I will take care of her like a husband is supposed to. I will open doors for my Queen. I will have her bath water ready for her after work. I promise when we take a bath together, I will not pee in the water. I will be respectful as a King should. God I also know she is thirty years older than me. But I also promise to be there for her when she needs diapers for pooping herself. I will not leave her for a younger woman like my Uncle June Bug left his handicap fifty-year-old wife for his wife’s twenty-year-old daughter”.

Stan takes one final look at himself and winks.

“Alright Mr. Sault Peppers let’s get thangs shaking like saltshaker”.