Three Bits of Symmetry

*Adult content*

It was 3 AM and snowing outside. The police officer gave Frank his details and left the Cotton residence having not, in Kelly's opinion, been much of a help at all. 

'Thank you, officer,' said Frank, and shut the door.

'Is that all?' said Kelly.

'What did you expect? A forensics team? Dusting for fingerprints?'

'Well, why not? We pay our taxes, don't we?'

The officer had traipsed snow over the laminate oak flooring in the hall. Frank pointed to Kelly's feet. 'Careful you don't slip.'

'Don't slip? Don't slip, he says! I slipped the day I married you! I really should've know better!'

'Shhh! Calm down, will you? You'll wake Martha.'

'What do we tell Martha when she does wake up, Frank? She's expecting to open'- Kelly bent back her fingers as she listed-'a dollhouse, two hundred pounds. A bracelet, two hundred pounds. Ballet shoes, a hundred and fifty pounds-'

'A hundred and fifty pounds for ballet shoes?'

Kelly sighed. 'What sort of a father leaves the front door wide open on Christmas Eve for any old Tom, Dick and Harry to help themselves to his daughter's Christmas presents?'

Frank hung his head. He skulked past Kelly into the living room. 'We'd better see what's left,' he said.

The burglars had left behind three presents. Frank assumed he'd scared them off when he'd gone downstairs to turn the heating up. He and his wife sat opposite each other in their dressing gowns by the Christmas tree. The house was dark. The fairy lights flashed red, green, white on their faces.

Kelly picked up a present and opened the tag. 'This one's from me to you,' she said, cocking her eyes as she handed it over. Frank tore away the wrapping. Inside was a wax jacket. He held it up by the shoulders and shook it.

'This is great. Look at the quality of it.'

'Yes, well, your other one's no good. You caught a cold on your fishing trip , didn't you?'

Frank folded the jacket carefully and put it down. 'Thank you,' he said.

Kelly picked up another present: the smallest one, then put it down again. 'Oh, no.'

'What?'

'To me from you, it says. Poor Martha. It's like those bastards knew which were hers and targeted her.'

'Nobody targeted anybody,' said Frank.

'Who's is the last one?'

Frank picked up the last present and opened the tag. 'This one's hers.'

'Thank Christ,' said Kelly. 'What is it?'

'Don't you want to open yours first?'

'Just take off the damn wrapping, Frank.'

Frank did. Inside were a pair of ballet shoes. He took the lid off the box. He placed a finger in each shoe and lifted them out so that they dangled on his fingertips. 'These? These were a hundred and fifty pounds?'

'They're the best I could find. Do you want her to slip and break her neck?' Kelly puffed her cheeks and looked up at the star at the top of the Christmas tree. 'I can't believe they took the dollhouse, Frank. What is a burglar going to do with a dollhouse?'

Frank shrugged. 'Burgle it with a G.I. Joe?' 

'Oh, this is funny to you!' said Kelly. She stood up and tightened her dressing gown around her waist. 'All just a big fucking joke, isn't it.'

'Can we just... not forget it's Christmas, Kelly?' said Frank. 'Stop freaking out. I'll get her another dollhouse. I'll get her another bracelet.' He stood up and muttered, 'Not that she needs any more jewelry.'

'Oh, there it is!' said Kelly. 'Let's use the burglars as an excuse to scrimp on the pennies, shall we? All at the expense of your daughter's happiness.'

'What? Don't be so fucking dramatic!' said Frank, sliding past her into the kitchen. 

He poured himself a bourbon and downed it. He exhaled slowly, then poured himself another. He sat at the breakfast bar and leant on his elbows, holding the glass with both hands under his nose. Kelly came in and sat opposite him. 

'You want one?' said Frank. 

'Yeah.' Kelly poured herself a glass.

'No point going back to bed,' said Frank. 'If it's the same drill as last year, Martha will be awake soon.' He took a sip of bourbon and rubbed his lips on his wrist. 'Do all kids do that? Bloody murder getting up for school, but birthdays, Christmases... Disneyland, Athens... damn ballet lessons - it's like they're born with an alarm clock in their head that goes off at four A.M. when those days come.'

'Weren't you ever a ten year old?'

'Who, me?' said Frank, convulsing slightly with what could have been laughter, could have been wind. 'A hundred years ago, maybe.'

'Oh, poor me, poor me,' said Kelly.

'Yeah, poor me, poor me. What about you?' He wobbled his head side to side and said in a high pitch, 'Frank, the hall needs reflooring. For no good reason whatsoever, the flooring's fine, but can we afford oak, Frank? Can we?'

'I can't believe you're going on about the hall. If you didn't want it done then you should have just said.'

'Sex,' said Frank.

Kelly leaned back and squinted at him. 'What?'

'Don't look at me like that. Sex! You said if we got the oak flooring done in the hall you'd have sex with me on it!'

Failing to stifle a smile, Kelly tipped her glass of bourbon down her throat. 'I did say that, didn't I. I do remember saying that.'

'You did. And you said you'd wear an elf's uniform while we did it.'

'What! I did not say that!'

'Yes, you did. You said if I got the oak you'd feel like a little elf dancing up and down in the woods and you'd dress up like one and fuck me on the floor.'

Kelly burst into laughter. She looked like Martha when she laughed.  

'Shhh!' said Frank.

Kelly straightened up, poured herself another bourbon and topped up Frank's glass. 'Elves don't wear uniforms, you idiot,' she said. 

Frank smiled. 'Aren't you going to open your present? I'll get it for you.'

'What is it?'

'I'll get it for you.' Frank went to get the present. Kelly ran her nails through her hair and looked out of the window. It was too dark to tell if it was still snowing, but she imagined it wasn't. Frank returned and placed the present on the breakfast bar between them. 

'Go on, open it.'

Kelly leaned over and kissed Frank on the lips. 'Thank you, sweetheart.' She tore off the wrapping. Inside was a white bar of soap embossed with the image of Jesus on the cross.

'What?' said Frank. 'Oh, Kelly, I'm sorry! I thought it was your other present. I thought it was the necklace.'

'You got me a bar of soap?'

'And a necklace.'

'Yes, but why the soap?'

'Don't you remember?' said Frank, straightening up. 'In October when I took that Saturday off, you saw it in the window of that little shop. You said, would you look at that, it's Jesus on a bar of soap.'

'Oh,' said Kelly.

'And I said, I bet you'll crucify me if I get you that for Christmas. Remember?' Frank drummed his thumbs on the surface of the breakfast bar. 'Or something like that... Anyway, it was a fun day out. It was only two pounds, throw it away if you don't want it.'

Kelly turned the soap over in her hands. 'That better have been one expensive necklace, Frank,' she said, getting up from her stool.

'Where are you going?'

'This can go in the downstairs bathroom. We've almost run out.'

Frank watched her saunter in the half-light out of the kitchen. She had gotten her figure back quickly after Martha was born, unlike many women Frank knew. He imagined himself following her into the bathroom, kissing her, opening her dressing gown. Or better yet, she would come back and fuck him on the oak flooring in the hall. 'The bloody hall!' he thought. 'We need to mop it before Martha comes running down.'

Kelly returned, poured herself a glass of water and sat opposite Frank again. Frank topped up his bourbon. 

'Don't get drunk,' said Kelly.

'Who, me?' Frank took a sip and cleared his throat. '...It was expensive, by the way. Very expensive.'

'Oh, Frank, I didn't need any more jewelry.'

'Who needs jewelry?' Frank leaned over and brushed her hair behind her ear. 'It's for show. Isn't that the point?'

'I don't want you getting drunk,' said Kelly, 'Today's not the day... Yesterday was the day, apparently. But today isn't.'

Frank leaned away and knocked back his bourbon. He got up and started rummaging around the bread bin. 'I'm not going down that road at four AM, Kelly.'

'Is it four already?'

Frank looked at his watch. 'Almost... Why are there all these crusts in here and no proper bread?'

Kelly got up and took a loaf out of the freezer. 'Here, look,' she said, sliding it over the counter in front of him. 'Don't make a mess.'

'It's frozen.'

'So? Toast it twice.'

'Toast it twice,' said Frank, picking at the tag. 'Toast it twice-ssssss.'

Kelly watched him fumble with the loaf. 'What an idiot,' she thought. He was the man she'd married. Even from behind. She pressed herself up against his back and put her arms around his waist. She opened his dressing gown.

'We need to mop the hall,' said Frank.

'Not yet,' said Kelly. 'Not right now.'