What A Tangled Web Weave

“Lets just go!” Wes looks at me in that wild, fun, impulsive way he always gets when he’s ready for an adventure. “Our bags are already packed. They’re waiting in the car. I just need you to say yes.”

“I don’t know…” I stammer. “I started school... we’ll miss a whole week…”

“Look at me, Ryane.” Wes grabs my shoulders and turns me towards him. He looks me dead in the eyes. I feel myself going weak under his gaze. His amazingly hot body is so close to mine.

“You gave up everything to move out here on a crazy whim. You left your home, your family. You came to start over. To create a new life.” He pauses, still looking at me. “Do it for me... For us?”

It’s this statement that causes me to look away from him. My cheeks growing pink as I do. There’s something I haven’t told Wes. Something I can’t bring myself to confess about my crazy decision to leave everything I had two thousand miles behind me and start over. It will crush him.

It’s still not the right time. Don’t you tell him now.

I look back at the amazing green eyes still looking directly at me. The feel of his strong grip on me. His face, his lips... 

“Okay,” I say, smiling a little. “Let’s go then!” 

He grabs my hand and I feel my heart skip a beat. We head out the door and over to his old 1995 Ford F-150 that sits in the driveway. He bows then opens the door for me to get in. I can’t help giggling. I also can’t believe he’s opened the door for me. There’s a million things that have surprised me about Wes since I first met him three months ago. He’s so much different from my old life. The last guy who “stole my heart”, or so I thought, instead actually stole my mind. It was as if he wormed his way into my brain and started to control everything. It started with small things like what I read, what I ate, when I went to bed, where I put things. Then gradually led to him controlling larger decisions such as, what I should do with my life, where I should work, who my friends could be, how I should act, how I should dress, what I should say around people. All the while somehow making me believe that each and every action was all my decision. I didn’t recognize myself anymore and making decisions became almost impossible for me.  I started to question my reality, let alone my sanity. Until I couldn’t take it anymore and just ran away.

We travel down miles of highway. I’m not sure where we’re going, but Wes seems to have a certain destination in mind so I sit back and watch the Texas scenery fly by as we head west. Every once in a while he looks over at me, causing a small grin to form on his lips. His eyes are warm and caring. I can tell he’s excited about something. The neverending change of flat road and grassy fields causes me to grow drowsy as the warm sun beats down on me through the open truck window. 

A few hours later I open my eyes and stretch. I look out of the truck window expecting to see more of the monotonous landscape I had fallen asleep to and gasp in shock. 

“I thought you’d like it,” Wes says, noticing that I’ve woken up.

The most beautiful scenery I have ever seen in my life stares back at me through the windows as we barrel along. The piercing blue sky stretches for miles and acts as a backdrop against the snow covered mountains. My mouth hangs open in awe. 

“Where are we?”

“Not too far out of ABQ,” he answers.

My brow furrows in confusion as I wait for him to tell me where on earth Abeekew is. He sees my face and lets out a laugh.

“Albuquerque. I have a surprise planned. I just hope you like it.”

I notice a small tremor in his voice as he says this. I can tell he’s really trying to impress me. I look around at the landscape once again.

“I’m sure I will…” 

*****************

I didn’t think I could be any more amazed by the majestic terrain than I already was. The surprise he had in mind was paying for a tram to carry us to the top of the mountain. I could barely look out the windows as it carried us slowly to the top. An image of the cable snapping and us plummeting over ten thousand feet to our death kept playing over and over in my mind. However, in the end we made it. And I’m glad we did because the view is breathtaking. I can’t believe one person would do all of this for me. Me. I turn around to tell this to Wes and find him kneeling down on one knee, his hand holding out a ring. Before I can even make a sound he grabs my hands in his and looks at me with those mesmerizing viridescent eyes. 

“Ryane. I know we’ve only known each other for three months, but to me it’s been a lifetime. I feel things I’ve never felt before when I’m with you. I want to know everything about you. I love everything about you. When I’m with you I never want it to end and when I’m not with you, you are all I think about. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

I can’t hardly breathe. There’s a lump in my throat as tears threaten to spill over from my eyes.

You need to tell him.

But at this moment I can’t worry about my secret. I push the thought out of my mind and allow the swell of happiness and excitement I feel to take over.

“Yes!” I exclaim, hearing it echo through the vast open mountain air.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

I’m still bubbling over with glee as we leave the mountain. I can’t believe he chose me. Me. I can’t believe we are getting married. After only three months. This is so unlike anything I ever would have done before. 

Or is it?

We head back through the small communities that surround the mountain. Even the houses here are amazing. The little adobe style homes look just right against the rocky terrain and all it’s scraggly little desert vegetation. Maybe Wes and I can get a cute little adobe home here in New Mexico. I can’t believe we will be planning our future together.

All of the sudden there is a huge clunking noise. We look at each other. He pulls over to the side of the road so we can get out to check the truck. Luckily we aren’t on a busy stretch of highway. As soon as we open the doors we can hear air rushing from the back passenger tire.

“Great,” I exclaim. I’m not even surprised with the way my luck is.

 Probably karma after what you’ve done... 

“It’ll be okay,” he assures me as he gets out the jack and starts lowering the spare tire from the bed of the truck.  “Don’t let it get you down.”

He winks at me and starts to work on changing the tire. I sit down at the edge of the dirt road to wait. I stare down at the small silver diamond engagement ring on my finger. I imagine how hard Wes worked to save up for it. How excited he probably was when he went to pick it out for me. How he planned this special trip just to ask me. 

Again,... me. How lucky I am. 

Suddenly I’m jolted back to reality realizing how much time has passed lost in my own thoughts. 

I have to tell him. I have to.

Guilt washes over me and I start to feel sick.

“All done. Ready to get back on the open road…”

Wes stops when he sees my face is hot and wet with tears. 

“Ryane? It’s just a tire. It’s all fixed now…”

He comes over and envelops me in a hug. His innocent kindness making me feel even worse.

“It’s not that… Im sorry!” I splutter and sob into his shoulder. Huge warm tears stream down my face and soak his shirt. “I tried to be fun and spontaneous, but I just can’t! I left everything behind me trying to be a new person. To start over. I feel like a failure. I haven't talked to my family in ages, and I’m sure my husband hates me!”

Immediately my face turns even more red and my hand flies over my mouth. I didn’t intend for that to come out. I mean, I was going to tell him.... Soon. Just not like this. Not now.

A stunned look comes over Wes’ face and he draws back to look at me.

“What?” He asks in shock. All the color slowly draining from his face. “You have a husband?”

He’s not even mad when he asks me this. 

Why isn’t he mad? 

I can deal with mad but not this. He is so hurt he won’t even look at me as he opens the door to the truck. 

“We should probably head on. I have reservations for us at a hotel in Santa Fe.” 

We ride the whole way in silence. 

When we finally arrive at the hotel we still haven’t spoken. His silent anguish is starting to eat me alive. Thoughts haven’t stopped running through my mind since we left the mountain.

Does he still want me? Have I ruined everything? Why wasn’t I just honest with him to begin with? Why?

“Wes… I’m sorry. Please talk to me.”

He turns around to face me. I can still see the disappointment in his eyes. My stomach tightens into a knot as I wait for him to speak. For a minute he just stares at me then sighs heavily.

“I want to be doing nothing more right now than holding you. Calling you my fiancée as we check into our room, happily engaged.”

I take a step towards him just as he holds a hand up to stop me from coming any closer.   

“But I’m not going to do it Ryane. You’re married and I’m not going to do that.”

“But we’re over...” I start, as Wes cuts back in, shaking his head.

“You don’t know that. You don’t know your feelings right now. They may not be real. Maybe they're just lust. Maybe I’m just a rebound. You’re acting on impulse again.  What if he’s had time to think and change. What if he’s realized why you left... why he lost you. You’re beautiful and amazing Ry. There’s no way he hasn’t realized any of this.”

I just stare at him. I have nothing to say because I hadn’t thought about that possibility. I haven’t answered any of Dan’s calls or messages. He even tried to call last night, so he’s still trying. He’s obviously still thinking about me. That’s something right? Maybe I was exaggerating all the mind games. I mean we loved each other once didn’t we? 

“You’re right. I’m acting on impulse again and I don’t know what I want right now. I was so sure of everything when I grabbed my stuff and left that day, but now I just...” I trail off, lost in my own thoughts again.

“I just need to take a walk,” I finish, as tears start to slide down my cheeks. I’m amazed I even have any left in my body at this point. “I need to be on my own for awhile.” 

*****************

I sit on a bench at the entryway of the hotel and gaze off into the distance. I watch as the sun slowly descends to meet with the horizon. A magnificent array of orange, red, and pink paint the sky as their colors glisten from the mountain tops. I can feel the tears starting yet again. I look down at my phone and wait for the inevitable darkness to fall. The numbers are typed in, ready to dial. All I have to do is push that green button. 

“Why can’t you just make decisions?” I chide myself before letting out a small growl of exasperation. When I look back up I see a middle aged lady staring at me. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was out here,” I mumble, a little embarrassed.

She’s wearing one of the hotel housekeeping uniforms I notice. Her face is worn and tired, but her eyes are sparkling with life. 

“It’s fine,” she says with a wave of hand. Important phone call?”

I shrug, feeling a little perturbed the question.

 “Kind of...”

 She must have noticed the look on my face, because her smile falters a little as she comes over to sit down beside me.

“I didn’t mean to get personal. I could tell you had been crying when I came out and I figured it had something to do with the phone call.”

I sigh. “No. I actually haven’t made the phone call yet. It's to my husband. I left him in... in another state...  because I decided that I didn’t want to be with him. I jumped on a plane, left everything behind…”

I blink away more tears.

“So what’s stopping you from calling?”

I hesitate before answering. I can tell what she’s hinting at so I go for it. I’ll never see her again so what does it matter if I tell her everything?

“Now I’ve met an amazing person. Who makes me feel alive, believes in me. Makes me think dreams can come true… has asked me to marry him.”

She nods. “I see.”

I smile at the thought of Wes. “He’s amazing.”

“Honey. I think you know what decision you want to make.” She pats my hands and gets up from the bench. “I’ve still got a lot of cleaning up here. It was really nice talking with you and I hope everything works out for the best.”

I give her a small grin. “Thanks for listening to me whine.”

She chuckles. “Sometimes all you need is someone to listen.”

She walks over to the hotel entrance and the automatic doors open to let her in. She stops in front of them and turns around to look at me one last time.

“Sweetie. Just listen to your heart, not your head.” 

Then she disappears through the doors and into the hotel.

I know she’s right. I look down at my phone. Dan’s number is still glowing bright in the cool dark air. I sigh and press the button. I know he’ll be asleep with his phone off and won’t check any messages until he wakes up. I wait as it finishes ringing and goes to his voicemail.

“Dan…” I manage, as my voice catches in my throat. “I’m coming home tomorrow. There are some things... we need... to discuss...”

My voice sounds so hollow and businesslike that I’m at a loss for what to say next. After a few moments of silence I press the red button and end the phone call. 

I sit on the bench in silence a little longer staring up at the night sky. Pretending everything is going to be okay.

*****************

When I walk back into the room it is after three in the morning. I text Wes earlier and told him I still had some things I needed to sort out before tomorrow and he could get some sleep if he wanted. What I really did was sit on the bench alone, in the dark, in front of the hotel until my mind was as numb as my body was from the cold. As I take off my shoes and lay down on the bed I can hear his soft breathing coming from the pull out couch. He let me have the bed. Like a gentleman, I think, smiling a little. 

You still have to talk to Dan. 

The thought wiping the grin from my face. How am I going to talk to him after all of this? I just suddenly left him three months ago. And now I’m going to tell him that I ran away to start over because I couldn’t take life with him anymore and that I haven’t loved him for years and that I’ve met another man and I want to marry him after only knowing him for three months. I bury my face in my hands. 

I can’t do this.

I look over at Wes still sleeping peacefully. And in that moment I know for sure. I know the answer. 

I can do this.

I owe it to him to be honest with Dan. Wes is the life I have wanted for so long. I’ve felt more things for him in three months than I have for Dan in three years. Wes has shown me what it feels like to have someone truly love you. All of your strengths and all of your flaws. He’s shown me how to love myself, which is no small feat. It’s not lust I have when I look at him. He’s not just something new and different in a tangled web of emotions. He’s not some rebound after a crap, gaslit fueled marriage. He’s the one I want to fight for. The one I have to fight for.

He’s the one. 

I stare at the ceiling and think about the day that lies ahead of me until my eyelids start to get heavy. Soon sleep starts to carry me away from my worries, but not before one last thought crosses my mind... 

Dan never would have let me have the bed.