Your First Love

Dear Diary,                    6-24-09

The way I viewed life was timid. Everything around me was another reason to close up into a bubble again. I would constantly look for reassurance that everything was okay but every time I looked around there was disappointment and humiliation. I’m bullied in school for not having the most trendy clothes in school, the child in the family that my parents didn’t care about, and no friends or social life as a distraction. Everything was in black and white for the most part. Numbness, fear, and anxiety had controlled my life for the longest while begging for an escape. Because for the same reasons everyone had looked down upon me, I had looked down on myself as well. This is the first time in months I’m writing in my diary since she passed away. I want to heal and let go for her. Her name was Julian. We had met in school while she had always been at school but was looked down upon as well. Walking in the school hallways and on my way to the school bathroom, I went into one of the stalls. I then heard the door burst open in sudden laughter and giggling. The girls, not knowing how many, stopped laughing and I heard the sound of the bottom of a small heel walking towards the stall I was in. I didn’t say a single word until I heard a metal bang very softly but powerful on the bathroom door. “Open the door” said the girl. I knew it was by the tone of voice and opened the door very slowly. A tall and long-haired girl with a blue diamond ring on her finger said that the diamond was overpowering her whole finger. Her name was Amanda. “Are you here to hide in the bathrooms again?” said Amanda while laughing. There were three other girls behind her who just laughed with her. “I don’t want any trouble, I was actually on my way to--” I was stopped abruptly as Amanda pushed my back on to the wall. “You know..you’re pretty weird. I don’t really like seeing your face here.” Amanda said. I tried running out of her sight until one of the girls pushed me back into the wall and two girls pinned my arms against the wall. “Let me go, please!” I said fearingly. Amanda went into her backpack and took out a red lipstick and smothered it onto my face. “This’ll make you a little bit prettier, wouldn’t it?” Amanda said while laughing hysterically. As I was struggling to get out of the situation, I heard a voice from the other end. That’s when I had met her. 

Dear Diary,                6-30-09

So soft yet confident, I had heard her voice for the first time. “Let her go.” said the girl. I looked over to see a red head girl with beautiful freckles and the purest green eyes that I’ve seen. “Put her down.” Amanda said. I dropped to the floor and ran to the other side where the girl was standing with her guard up. Amanda walked over to the girl slowly and then slapped her. Before I could do anything, I was pushed out of the bathroom and one of the girls was holding the door shut. All could hear was kicking and slapping and a quiet weeping cry. After a few days, I haven’t heard anything from Amanda or from the girl that had stood up for me. Until I was walking out of the school one day, on my way home, and I saw the redhead girl again sitting down in the grass. She was reading a book and minding her own business and I decided to tell her how thankful I was for her standing up for me. “Hey.” I said. The girl looked up and I saw a purple/dark blue bruise on her left eye but it wasn’t swollen. She smiled at me and asked if I was okay. “Are you okay?” the girl asked. “Oh I’m fine! You were the one who stood up for me. Thank you for doing that.” I said shyly. “Haha no problem.” she said as she went back to reading her book. I felt the conversation dying quickly and wanted to know more about her. “So, what’s your name?” I asked. “Julian. What’s yours?” she asked curiously. “I’m Layla. What are you reading?” I asked. “It’s poetry by one of my favorite authors.” I sat down next to her and we talked forever for what seemed like only minutes about the world of poetry. From that day on, we became friends and eventually we became the best of friends. I knew everything about Julian in only a year. I knew what she liked to eat, her favorite authors, her favorite color, what she wanted in life, dreams and goals, and what made her my best friend. Julian was in the same place that I was, she had gotten bullied for not having the best clothes and many times for her name because it sounded too ‘boyish’. I constantly reassured her that her name was perfect in every way and that she couldn’t listen to the bullies. I had come over Julian’s house on the weekend on a Saturday where it was perfect and sunny. Julian’s mom had greeted me like always with a warm hug at her front doorstep. I ran up the stairs excitedly to go see Julian like I always do. “Julian!” I said excitedly. There she was more beautiful than ever and turned around and gave me a hug. We sat on the bed and she laid on her back, staring at the ceiling. “I want to go to Paris!” Julian said. “Well that’s random, why Paris?” I asked. “Paris is so beautiful, Layla! You get to see all types of new things and I’d have enough time and the motivation to become a writer.” Julian said. “That does seem pretty great, do I get to come with you?” I asked. “Of course! Me and you are gonna explore the world and drink tea with mini croissants.” Julian said. I liked the idea of drinking tea with mini croissants with my best friend while traveling the world. “Tell me more!” I said excitedly. We talked the whole time about what we were going to do after highschool and decided to save up money for our trip to Paris so we could leave together. 

Julian was the person that I found myself clinging onto many times. I liked being on the phone with her, I always wanted to be at her house and away from mine, and I loved being in her presence. It seemed that Julian gave me a sense of validation. Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot more nervous around her than I usually do. Then, she started appearing in my dreams and I was always thinking about her. I had asked my neighbor who I was very close to for advice on how I had been feeling. Her answer had changed how I viewed Julian from that day on. 

        “I think you’re in love, my dear.” 

Dear Diary,                 7-03-09

After hearing those words, I ran to her house and wanted to make my intentions clear to her. “How do I tell her?” I asked myself. “Hey Julian, I think I’m in love with you!” “No..no..no...how about...Julian...I’ve liked you for awhile now…” “No!” Not even realizing, I was on her front doorstep and her mom opened the door again and greeted me with a big hug. Instead of running, I walked up the stairs this time and knocked on her door and opened it. There she was, I saw her sitting on her bed looking at something in her hand with a gaze. Her green eyes looked up at me and she smiled once again. “Layla! Look what I found!” Julian said. My sudden smile had faded when I realized she had Amanda’s ring in her hand. “Why do you have that?” I asked worriedly. She explained how she found it lying on the ground in school and said she picked it up. I sat on the bed next to her and held the ring in my hand. “You gotta give it back.” I said. “Are you crazy if she saw that I had this, she’d kill me.” Julian said. Everything became blurry and all I saw was Julian eyeing the ring in her hand while rambling on and on. At that moment, I kissed her. Julian stopped for a minute and then pushed me off. “What is wrong with you?” Julian asked. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I did---” “Get out.” Julian said sternly. “W-what?” I asked confusedly. “Get out!” Julian yelled. I stood up and walked out of her room and walked back home. I cried on my way home knowing that I probably just ruined the only friendship that I’ll ever have with someone. 

I didn’t talk to Julian for days and everytime I tried to talk to her at school she would have small conversations with me then avoid me. She never answered my calls anymore and I found myself being more alone than ever. The only happiness I ever had in a long time and just like that it was gone. Once I had came home from school one day, I walked past my dad who ignored me like always and went into my room where I shared a twin bed with my sister. “Layla! Someone is calling you!” my mom yelled downstairs. I ran downstairs to see who it was who was calling me and it was Julian. Julian had explained to me how she was sorry for the way she acted for the past few days and how it was all new to her. “I’m sorry for acting like that. Layla, I only like you as a friend but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to stop being your best friend.” Julian said. I told her I understood and how I just wanted our friendship back. We became good friends again and I was planning to come over to her house on Saturday like I always do. Excitedly, to get to talk to my best friend again and give her a hug like I always do. But soon my smile once again had faded once I had seen multiple cars outside of Julian’s house and her mother was crying. I ran up to Ms.Yams and asked her urgently what was wrong. Ms. Yams stopped and told me to come inside. As we sat down on the couch, I was getting worried as Julian was nowhere to be found. “Layla, unfortunately, Julian passed away this morning in the hospital.” said Ms. Yams. “How?” I said confusedly. “She was hit by a car and died of...internal bleeding” Ms. Yams said while weeping. 

Dear Diary,                  7-16-09

I thought it was all a dream. Like I would snap out of it and everything would be okay. Ms. Yams would greet me at her front doorstep with a big hug, I’d run upstairs to Julian’s room, Julian would smile at me and I would stare into her beautiful green eyes like no other, and we’d talk and hang out for hours on end, and be my happiness. I stopped in midtrack and everything was becoming dizzy to me. I screamed. I screamed so loudly when I realized it wasn’t a dream at all. “Noooooooo. Where’s Julian? Julian!” I screamed while sobbing into Ms. Yams arms. I stood up quickly and ran upstairs to go find her and she wasn’t there. All of her things placed neatly like they were before. Before I could enter her room, a hand grabbed me before going in and told me to come back downstairs. Everything hurted, my heart, my head, my stomach, and my soul. It was like losing a million dollars that you’ve worked hard for all of your life. Once I had gotten back home, I cried that night. I cried so much that there weren't any more tears left to come out. 

It didn’t get easier, losing you, Julian. I never paid attention in class and my grades dropped ridiculously, I never had an appetite to eat, I sat in my room and didn’t talk to anyone, no one talked to me after hearing about your death. It was ever only “I’m sorry for your loss.” “I know she meant a lot to you and I heard about what happened…” “If you need someone to talk to…”  No matter how much pity I was brung apon, it could never bring you back. Sometimes, I could hear you, I could hear you calling my name when I’m walking back home. I couldn’t sleep knowing you weren’t with me. One night, I couldn’t sleep..I haven’t slept for the past four days thinking about how I could’ve prevented it. Everytime I tried to fall asleep all I saw was the mistakes I made to prevent you from that accident. I couldn’t come to terms with it. But once I saw you in my room looking at me and you sat on my bed and smiled. “Julian?” I smiled. Your hand touched my face gently and you went away. One night, I decided to go to sleep, I haven’t gone to sleep in six days and I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally went to sleep and saw you sitting on your bed. “Layla!” Julian squealed and hugged me. “You’re alive?” I asked. “No, silly, I’m waiting to become an angel.” Julian said. “What’s stopping you?” I asked. “You.” Julian said disappointedly. “Layla, I’m always with you no matter what. But you haven’t slept or taken care of yourself.” said Julian. “I know, but I miss you! I want you to come---” “I can’t become an angel because you’re hurting.” Julian explained. “If you’re up all night hurting, then I’m hurting because I don’t want you to be hurt. So I have to wait until you heal enough to let your pain go.” Julian said. “But I don’t want to. I want you to come back. Please, I miss you.” I said while crying. “Once you heal, you’ll learn that I’m in a better place, okay? I love you and I’ll watch over you even when you move on.” Julian said. The dream started to fade as I realized I was soonly waking up. The last thing I could hear was “I’m always here.” and before I realized it, I was awake. 

Dear Diary,                  8-02-09

This is my last time writing about you, Julian. It’s been officially six months since you passed away and you were right I do need to move on. Everytime I wrote in my diary I stopped because it was too hard to think about you all over again in the process. But, today I’m strong enough to finish and say thank you for being in my life when you had the chance and you will always be my best friend. I love you so much, like no other and I know that now you’re an angel in the sky looking over me. I will go to Paris for us and you’ll see just how beautiful it really is. Goodbye, Julian, I will love you always and forever.