Dear Dream

01/21/2012 

 Dear ______, 

        Sorry I haven't come up with a good name to call you yet. I feel like the name “Diary” is just too boring. Maybe I’ll name this journal “Dream”. Oooooo I like that a lot. Perfect. Anyways, hello! My name is Julia and I just turned 10 years old. I got this new journal for my birthday. I also got a new barbie doll for my collection. This new one I got is my favorite though because she has a really pretty pink dress that sparkles. Wanna know a secret? None of my friends know I still play with barbies. So now it is our little secret. The thing is daddy tells me I have a big imagination and it is true. I love playing with dolls. If I told anyone they would think I am too old. So we must keep it a secret. Today was probably the best day ever. I had so much fun and I got to celebrate with some of my friends (Kyla, Natasha, Neal, Nancy, Omala, Tina, Bently, and my sissy!) It was so fun and we played a lot in the pool. The best part was that my parents didn’t fight today. I really appreciated it. It felt like we were a real family again. Well, not that we weren't a real family before but its just that it felt like old times again – ya know when everyone finally gets along and has a good time. Daddy actually hugged mommy when he saw her. Minus a few eyerolls from mom to dad it was a good day. I cant wait to start writing more!!! 

                             Love, 

 Jane 

07/16/2014 

Dear Dream, 

       Today was the worst day of my life. I am currently writing to you in my bedroom closet – door locked so no one will come in. I went to school today and I forgot my lunch so I was hungry all day and I didn’t even have a breakfast this morning. I went to school and people were staring a lot. I let mom cut my hair yesterday but I think she was probably drunk. I wonder if that’s why people were staring. Was it really that bad? I don’t know. Nancy – one of my only friends, told me I looked just fine and that no one was staring. But I don’t think I buy it.  

It was 12:00 and I went to lunch – without a lunch. My friends and I usually walk together to lunch. I saw them walking ahead of me – without me. They looked back at me and ran away. I thought it was so weird. So unlike them. But I decided to try and not think too much about it. When I got to the cafeteria no one saved a seat for me. So, with lots of tears in my eyes I just walked away and ate lunch in the bathroom stall. I hate my “friends”. The worst part was, even Nancy didn’t stick up for me or try to comfort me. She just sat there and looked away. 

Then in class that day the teacher, her name is Miss Elkins btw, yelled at me because she thought I wasn’t paying attention. But I swear I was. It's because she called on me to answer a math problem and I said the wrong answer - I was off by a lot but algebra is super hard. She straight up told me I was stupid. I started to tear up but couldn't let anyone see me cry in class. Its too embarrassing.  

When I got home – which was 15 minutes ago, I witnessed my dad hitting my mom. He promised us he wouldn’t do it again - it's been 2 years since he last did. But I guess he was pretty mad. And there's nothing I can ever do about it because then he would hurt me too. He used to hurt me. He used to spank me. And when I tried to help mommy he would hit me too. I still have some scars. One big one on my back. And some on my arms from him grabbing me so many times.  

So, like I said im currently in my bedroom closet crying. So, sorry if this page gets a little wet. I hate myself. I am so ugly and fat and stupid and no one likes me and my parents don't love me and I hate my life.   

Bye.  

        - Jane 

08/27/2016 

Dear Dreams,  

Ya know when I first got this journal I thought It would be happy and beautiful.  

Today marks the birth of when I started cutting myself. I looked up YouTube videos and it turns out I am depressed. I don’t know what to do so I'll tell you the situation. Here is my problem: If I tell dad then he won't help and he’ll only make it worse. And I don’t want him to be disappointed. I wish I could tell mom. I miss her every day. Today was also the day she left, a year ago. I think that’s why I started cutting in the first place. She left me all alone with a monster. She is selfish terrible person. I miss her. I miss our snuggles on the couch. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why she left. Why??? She could have at least taken me with her. Its like she wants me to be more miserable than I already am. Oh no and here the tears come again. Ugh I hate being an emotional person. But I hate her guts. But I also hate my dad. It’s a mutual feeling.  

From, 

       Jane – aka the lonely girl  

12/20/2016 

Dear Dreams,  

I finally told my dad about my depression. I am going to get help tomorrow after school. I'm surprised because he wasn’t mad at all. I think he still feels bad about the whole mom situation. He probably sort of feels the same way I do and misses her lots. I will let you know how it goes. I am sort of nervous. Today was an ok day at school. I met this cute boy because we must be partners for this stupid science project. His name is jack and he says he likes my name. Hes cool. Im going to give him a code name. His new name is “Mr.Cool”.  

 Love, 

Ur bff Jane 

01/20/2017 

Dear Dreams,  

Ya know what they say, “new year, new me”. Well thanks to therapy, its helped a ton. My counselors name is Jody and she's super nice. I've been a lot happier lately and my dad has actually kind of been a good dad. I think he is trying to change. Hes stopped going to the bar on Monday nights which is good. He still going the rest of the week but just not Monday. Which is good I guess. I miss mom though. I wish she could see how we are doing. Oh! And I made a new friend at school today her name is Justice. Shes really nice.  

-Jane 

09/13/2019 

Dear Dreams,  

I read a new book called “to all the boys ive loved” its pretty good. But I didn’t really like the ending. ALSO I have some huge huge news. I have some really good news. 

 I am graduating early.  

Like an entire school year early. I am SO SO SO SO SO SO excited. I'll get to leave the house and travel the world like I've always dreamed!!! I leave first thing this summer. My life is still pretty messy and I don’t feel like writing much today sorry its just been a long day and its late, but I promise to write tomorrow. PS I finally stopped cutting.  

Love,  

The Happy excited cool and fresh Jane 

06/01/2020 

Dear Dreams, 

Today I left. I am currently on an airplane going to Europe and I literally cannot wait. I'll give you an update when I get to my hotel. 

Ok hi. Update. Here is how my day went. 

1) I went to a coffee shop and got a Carmel latte with heart shaped ice cubes which are so cute!! 

2) I walked around Luxemburg a lot. All of the shops are so cute and petite And the sky is so blue and it smells like flowers everywhere you go!!  

3) I rented a bike – it was a cute yellow bike and I loveee it 

4) the bike renter person was really sweet 

5) his name is Cody 

6) I went for my bike ride and I felt so alive riding around. All the people here are so nice. I feel so good. I feel like Im on a high : )) 

7) stopped at the park and had a little picnic with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich 

8) Rode back to the bike rental place 

9) The clouds floated like marshmallows over the deep blue horizon it was beautiful. 

10) The cute Cody asked me to dinner and I am officially freaking out. He told me to meet him at Johnny’s Pizzeria at 7:00. He offered to pick me up but I declined. I cant wait!! 

11) 2:00 I’m in the park and there's this really familiar face but its kind of hard to see. I took a few steps forward. Bad news and good news – either way I am freaking out. My heart is racing. Its mom. 

I swear for about a solid minute I was just staring in her direction like a creepy weirdo. I couldn't tell if it was her or not. My emotions are still mixing. I don’t know how to feel. Am I mad? Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I annoyed? Am I ecstatic? Am I in a dream? Yes. I’d say a fair combination of all of these. 

I debated approaching her for a few minutes. I didn’t want to but there were too many things I had to say. As I was walking up to her, a little girl came up and hugged her waist. I paused - my jaw slowly dropped and then my lips fell back together. She laughed and you could tell she was happy. She started to turn her head my direction. Her jaw dropped in sync with mine. I stood there blankly. Tears filled my eyes as a tan, skinny, man planted a kiss on her cheek. Instead of saying anything (of course stupid me being stupid me) I ran. What the heck am I supposed to say to that. My parents aren't even divorced she just left. And now she has a life – a family. I ran. With tears falling down my face like a storm from the sky - the storm of my emotions lasted for approximately 2 hours.  

 I couldn’t believe it. To think she had the audacity to leave me – JUST TO HAVE ANOTHER daughter and a new man. I curled up in my hotel bed like a ball. I felt like a mouse. And here I am. This is me now. Writing in this very moment. I don’t know what to do. Honest opinion: did I just blow my chance? Do I even want a chance with her? I hate her. But I miss her. I love her. And despise her. I just wish I knew if it was because of me. Why did she leave and didn’t take me with her. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. But I want to know. I wish she would walk right through my door right now. Cuddle me in her arms like she used to. Tell me she is sorry. Tell me why. Beg me for forgiveness.  

But no, she hasn’t come through that door yet. She didn’t follow me home. She didn’t chase after me. She never did. And I doubt she ever will.