A Girl's Sanctuary

She propelled herself up the ladder, with her breath racing as each foot cascaded over the steps. She was not scared of falling even at such a rapid pace. Her lanky legs should have tripped instead of contorting and attaching to the rungs, but she had traversed this path to her treehouse more times than she had ridden a bike, so the movements were instinctual. As she plunged through the trap door, she inhaled a deep breath and took in all the familiar smells of her sanctuary. A brief calm passed over her before she slammed the door closed and locked it with the deadbolt she found on top of a child-size wooden table that pressed against the sill of an open window.

When she was four years old, her father constructed the fort at the edge of their property, which opened into a small meadow before giving way to a thick forest. When the wind blew just right, she could smell the flowers from the Magnolia tree that planted in her front yard. She loved to stretch out her arms and sway as she breathed in the aroma as if she were attempting to take in the fragrance for herself while it wafted in through the open windows. Unicorns danced on the faded pink curtains decorating the window, and she briefly thought of the summer that she stayed with her grandmother when she was eleven. She had taken her to the fabric store where they picked out the material together and then took their purchase back to her grandmother’s house and sewed the curtains together. How she wished she could go to her now. She could see the forest out one window that sat above a worn wooden chest while the other opening above the table looked out onto the meadow that stood between her yard and her treehouse. She sighed and shook her head at the approaching figure before shouting out the window, “Jesus, don’t you think I came out here because I wanted to be alone. Can you not just give me a fucking minute to myself?”

 “Come on, Janey, I’ve known you since we were kids. I have been in that treehouse with you more than anyone else. Now we have graduation to get to in about hour, can you just let me up so we can talk, or do you want to scream out the window so the whole town can hear.”

“I don’t want to do any of that. I want you to go on before you try to disrupt my life even more.” She knew she should have said it differently as soon as it came out of her mouth. Why did he have to come out here anyway? She just wanted to be alone to think before she had to say anything to him. Why did he ever have to open his stupid mouth?

“Oh, so that’s what I do. I disrupt your life. The last three years have just been a disruption…” He paused hoping she might argue with him and take everything back. She didn’t. “Well, I guess if that is true, then everything you ever said to me is a lie, and I guess I don’t really know you, Janey. I’ll be going now and don’t worry, I won’t bother you at the graduation. I would hate to disrupt that, too.”

She burst into tears as she watched him storm through the yard, but she didn’t say anything to stop him. She flinched at the noise of his truck door slamming shut and sat with her arms folded around her knees. She remained frozen until the sound of his squealing tires subsided, and she was sure that he had sped away. Finally, she let out a sigh of relief. Was she acting unreasonably? Ever since she got accepted to the university, she had been thinking about her future. She had always envisioned herself as a strong and independent career woman. She wanted to figure things out on her own, like who she really is and what the world is really like. She wanted to have tragic love affairs and embark on adventures in strange lands like people she had read about in books. She knew she couldn’t count on accomplishing most of these things on her own, but she also knew she couldn’t do any of it if they stayed together. What was even worse is that she knew what would happen if they stayed together. She would be just like every other girl that fell in love, a nobody.

Chris moved in three houses down from her when she was six, and they grew up sharing every major life experience with each other. When her grandmother died two years ago, Chris got her through the depression. He never gave up on her even when she refused to leave her bed for an entire week. She was there for him when Chris broke his leg and lost the chance to play varsity on the soccer team. He had worked so hard for it and thought that his life was pointless without soccer. They started dating during their sophomore year and fell pretty hard for each other for the rest of their high school experience. Then today, he told her that he wants to marry her and that they should move in together since they would be going to the same university in-state.

Janey instantly felt sick when he said it. They were eating breakfast at the local diner when he dropped his plan on her. Janey’s fork had been shoveling food into her mouth and instantly fell from her hand and crashed down onto the plate. She fell into a daze and stared into the runny yolk of the egg, which had been disrupted by the fork, as it tried to mix with the coagulated white goop collecting around it. She never responded to him, but instead ran into the bathroom and spewed the contents of her #5 special into the toilet bowl. She remained in the stall for an extra five minutes trying to figure out what to tell Chris before deciding to say that she was hungover from Seth’s Senior Bash they had gone to the night before. She did just that and did not even offer a kiss on the way out of the diner. Chris was understanding and paid the tab for both meals before rushing out behind her, but she was already in reverse by the time he made it out to the parking lot.

When he showed up fifteen minutes ago demanding to talk, she couldn’t think of anything to say, so she just ran, instinctively, to her treehouse. She looked around the little lumber dwelling and saw the bed that she had camped out in so many times. She used to have campouts with Chris, and they would stay up late reading scary stories. He was terrified every time before the story even started, and he would try to make up excuses for her to stop. “Those books are dumb, and I don’t know why you want to read them so much.”

Then she noticed the cards on the table and thought about the games they played together over the years. They had late nights of Rummy and so many failed attempts at playing D&D. She wondered if there was a way to preserve their friendship and still end their relationship. Then she thought of how she enjoyed that too. He could look at her and make her feel like a queen. The first time they were together, his eyes followed her whole body as if he had never really seen her before. After ten years of friendship, he stared as if she were a completely different person from the girl he had known as a kid. She would miss that more than anything. So, why did she feel like she needed to let it go? Why did it feel so necessary?

She reminded herself of her dreams and tried to think of a way to make both work, but she could not see herself growing on her own if she were in a partnership with anyone else, even Chris. How can she find out what she was capable of? Would she not just resent him years down the line if she chose to move in with him now? She knew she had to get ready for graduation, and she had not come up with any solutions. She decided to take one last look around her treehouse before heading down. She scurried over to her treasure box and opened it up. Inside she found numerous letters from Chris, an award for an art project she did in middle school, and a journal that belonged to her grandmother. She grabbed the journal and skimmed through pages. She wrote about various gatherings she attended, mostly about how the food was, and about the achievements of her children and grandchildren. Janey was very close to her grandmother and told her everything she ever dreamed about. She told her about Chris, too, and her grandmother always listened carefully and smiled tenderly. When Janey would talk about her hopes and dreams, though, her grandmother’s eyes would light up as she told Janey to go after everything, because that is the real secret to living a life free of regrets.  

Janey came across a passage that had her name in it. It took place after Easter when she was ten. She remembered doing exceptionally well at the egg hunt that year. While all the girl cousins were busy showing off their Easter dresses, she was tucking her skirt into her stockings so she could run faster on the hunt. It served the added bonus of distracting the boys, so she took in quite the haul. In the passage, her grandmother wrote about her excitement for Janey and how she knew she would accomplish her dreams. She claimed that Janey could do it because she has grit and determination, unlike her cousin Susan who chased the boys instead of her dreams. She expected Susan to be perfectly happy with marrying quickly and pursuing a life of simplicity, but Janey would not settle for such mundane pleasures. Janey read the page over and over before the alarm on her phone rang. She had five minutes before she needed to leave for graduation. She closed the book and dried her eyes, before unlocking the bolt and gliding down the wooden slats that lined the massive trunk.