The solitude in disappointment

Throughout the city there are deep red, brown, yellow and orange leaves falling silently from the trees and signaling the arrival of the fall season. The change of seasons is welcome after a long hot and dry summer, rain was anticipated for the afternoon but has not yet materialized. His bedroom window looks out over the tiny neighborhood park where there are several trees, a small patch of grass, a half court for basketball and a swing set with two swings that are barely swaying in the gentle breeze. Evening is approaching and the park is empty except for one small boy on the court bouncing his ball and looking around, hoping that someone will join him for a game of HORSE. Every few minutes, the bounce of the ball turns into a dribble as the boy drives towards the hoop and attempts a layup. His efforts fail each time, due mainly to his height, but that doesn’t stop him. Apartment buildings surround the park, which is an unusual way to describe the square of green in the middle of the concrete jungle of the city, blocking the sun creating a constant shade. Each of the four buildings houses a thousand people and the park is in the back of the buildings, their entrances facing busy streets, the idea being to create an oasis from the noise for the residents. In reality the design created a dark and sultry place that leaves visitors feeling melancholy and eager to depart.

Evan sits in the overstuffed chair next to the window in his bedroom watching the young boy. He sees him there almost every afternoon recently, alone for about an hour until his mother arrives looking tired, usually carrying a grocery bag along with her purse. He imagines that the boy is what used to be referred to as a “latch-key kid”; coming home from school on his own each day and responsible for entertaining himself until his mother is done with work. Evan has never seen another child join him on the court and has thought about joining the boy for a game, but worries his mother would misunderstand and he would be presumed to have dark intentions. 

Evan’s bedroom window faces the back of the apartment and because he is only on the fifth floor the room is shaded from the sun by the neighboring buildings. He spends most of his day in the front of the apartment, at his desk, which is in a windowless room. Once a week he reports to the office downtown to meet with his boss and team or engage in water cooler type discussions. The other days he is a remote worker, a term much more common since the beginning of the pandemic that forced many people to learn to work from their home. The outcome of this forced change being that many companies discovered they could save on overhead by having workers remain remote after the pandemic was resolved. Evan’s job as a manager for the actuary department for a large insurance company does not require him to be in person at the office, the result being his current working arrangement. For the most part Evan enjoys the solitude, he is by nature an introvert. However there are days when he craves the interaction with his coworkers in the hallway or lunch at the neighborhood pub so he is grateful for his Wednesday trips to the office. 

Today is Thursday and the weekend looms near, a welcome reprieve for most, but not for Evan who appreciates the distraction of work. The monotony of daily life feels very heavy for him, almost as if the air in his lungs is struggling to escape. The pandemic had been hard on everyone. Without warning people were forced to be home; their only interaction with their spouse, partner or children led to increased break-ups and divorce. For Evan it had been different, because of Victoria; developing his relationship with her through daily messaging had kept him hopeful that there might be some good to come from such a life altering situation. Victoria is a manager at his former employer whom he had met years earlier when they collaborated on a project. Since he left the agency for his current job they had interacted sporadically on social media renewing a friendship that Evan believed was just that because he knew she had a husband and child. At the time they first met Evan had been married, though struggling to make it work. Three months prior to the pandemic Evan had made the difficult, yet anticipated, decision to initiate a separation. He had moved into his small one bedroom apartment on the fifth floor never intending to spend so much time in the dark and dreary environment. When the pandemic began and the company forced everyone to their homes his interactions with Victoria increased in frequency and depth of topics until he felt they were reaching a different tone altogether, which excited and confused him. 

Now Evan is exhausted, lonely, confused, hurting with his naivete on full display after months of trying to hide it. His relationships prior to getting married at age twenty-two had been few and he knows that when he falls for someone, he falls hard. There have only been a handful of women he would say he has actually fallen for and Victoria was one.  Evan describes himself as a bygone from a previous age never feeling as he fits into modern dating culture, his most recent experience solidifying this in his mind. Most people he knows have had many relationships, most casual and some more permanent, and they have learned not to invest, that everything is temporary, casual and on the surface. Investing time and energy leads to pain for people like Evan, yet he can’t seem to learn and heed the advice his own body and mind try to give him. He is an old soul, someone who believes in feelings and connection. But he exists in a world of casual sex, the quest being for an orgasm not a connection to a real life person. Evan does not want this; he wants deepness, he wants to connect with someone emotionally and physically. Without the emotional component the physical can’t exist in a fulfilling way for him. His friend Rueben often teases him about this aspect of his personality, telling him he just needs to get laid and move onto the next. Rueben lives this way and believes that is what will help Evan, and Evan has tried a time or two, but he feels cheap and empty afterwards, his need for human connection still glowing inside him. Rueben, with his goatee and affinity for low carb beer is also the friend that once fell hard, got hurt and began seeing life from a different perspective.

HIs relationship with Victoria had been a roller coaster that has now come to an abrupt end leaving him nauseous and figuratively out of breath. When employees were allowed to come back to their offices the two of them had met several times for coffee to see if the spark that had developed through the keyboard could exist in person. They found that it could and soon they found themselves admitting to the mutual attraction and desire to act on it. The physical had evolved slowly from long makeout sessions, always at his apartment when she was supposed to be in the office, to eventually wildly fulfilling sex. But what Evan had enjoyed the most was the talking while holding her hand, the discussions of mutual interests, how Victoria would share with him deep feelings she claimed she did not share with others, even her husband. Evan interpreted this as growth of the relationship and felt himself opening up in ways he had not before, feeling as if for the first time in his life he was his true authentic self, not the person his ex-wife, family member or boss wanted him to be. At one point he realized that when he was with Victoria, even though he was anxious about it he felt he could finally breathe at the relief of being himself emotionally and physically. 

At first he was cautious, for good reason as Victoria leaned in and pulled away on a daily basis. He learned to tell her moods from her text messages; days she was feeling guilty for her betrayal obvious in the words she chose. He learned to give her space and not ask too much of her during those times. Then they would be together at his apartment and all appeared to be resolved and she would return to the person he had fallen for, the one who was deep and contemplative, who challenged him to pursue his dreams and interests. 

He knows he should have stayed on guard, but she would tell him that she was unhappy in her relationship, that she had wanted to leave before their child was born but had stayed and continued to stay because of the child. She shared how unfulfilled she was with her husband, the lack of intellectual depth and common interests, the lack of physical attraction at times, the feeling of wanting more than her husband could give her. Then her husband would buy her something or she would start to feel guilty about him not seeing his child everyday and she was back to putting herself second. She admitted she knew that was never a good reason to stay and Evan watched this back and forth from the sidelines, telling himself rationally to not invest, that he would only get hurt, but investing anyway. Evan yearned to be able to take her out to dinner, to walk the city hand in hand, to buy her a gift as simple as a book he knew she would enjoy.

About three months in, the wavering back and forth stopped abruptly, Evan receiving a text message that she needed to stop seeing him. The message, while not surprising, left Evan drained for days, hating himself for getting invested and not keeping the boundary in place. He knew she was uneasy about the affair and worried about the impact should it be discovered. However, two weeks later she was back without explanation, wanting to see him. He reluctantly agreed and tried to be aloof and guarded. During the months that followed Victoria had been attentive, messaging him almost daily, asking about him, telling him she missed him and couldn’t wait to see him. Those months were good, though Evan never shook the feeling of the need to keep a boundary in place to protect himself. 

Today Evan sits in the bedroom of his banal apartment that is sparsely furnished with only the necessities that emphasizes the solitude of the space. Plain white walls, with white blinds covering the windows and the standard issue beige carpet make the place feel drab and hollow as Evan looks again outside at the young boy still playing basketball alone. Evan reflects on the months with Victoria, realizing she used him and he starts to get angry, at himself more than her. He thinks about their conversations and how hard he worked to understand her, learn about her and she could not even remember where his parents lived. When he allowed himself to go to dark places in his mind he told himself that for her it was nothing more than sex, despite what she said she was never interested in leaving and being with him. For many men, this would be ideal, but not someone who craves connection. Why had he not accepted who she was when she told him? Because her actions did not match her words. Or did they? Hindsight is always twenty-twenty and often painful when we realize we ignored things right in front of us because we don’t want to see it for what it was.

There is a knock at the door and Evan rises from the chair to answer it. Rueben is coming over after he finishes work to have a beer. Evan knows the evening will end with the two of them at a bar, Rueben encouraging him to take someone home and move on. “This is a huge city, Evan, let’s get you out there again” Rueben will say. Evan knows himself and that will feel great in the moment, but won’t fill his need for connection. Perhaps right now that is exactly what he needs, maybe connection is overrated.

Evan approaches the door and opens it and finds Victoria at the door, not Rueben. 

“What are you doing here?” he says with a mix of shock and contempt that he can not hide in his tone. 

Victoria is standing in his doorway, her hair wet and her mascara smeared. Evan realizes that the predicted rain must have started. He thinks about the young boy in the park and hopes his mother arrived before the rain. 

“I needed to see you” Victoria says knowing that she has no reason to believe he will let her in following the way she has treated him. If she could just explain herself and make him understand, maybe she can repair what they have, or had, before she messed it all up.The last few weeks without him have been torturous for her. She has spent time looking at her life closely, identifying the gaps and what is missing, yet still worrying about the consequences of her actions. She has a lot to lose by leaving her relationship and the unknown is scary, it is far safer to stay where she is and be basically content then take a leap into the unknown for a chance at more fulfillment. Her husband will be vindictive and try to hurt her through their child, so she is acutely aware that if she chooses her happiness she risks her child’s and that is not a risk she is willing to take at this point. She doesn't know how to reconcile this with what she feels for Evan.

“Come in,” Evan says and she feels coldness radiating from him. The apartment is dark and drab and matches Evan’s attitude. Was it always this dark, she wonders to herself as the memories of their times together in this space pass through her mind. Perhaps because they were enjoying being together the darkness was masked and the apartment more welcoming. “Rueben will be here shortly, we are going out, so unless you want him to know it’s you I have been seeing we need to make this fast”. It was amazing how in a city this large the world could be so small; Rueben was a former coworker of her husband’s.

“I will make it fast. Where are you going?” she asks.

“I don’t think that is any of your business anymore Victoria” Evan replies with venom and it smacks Victoria. “I am trying to move on and you being here doesn’t help that process”.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just want to try to explain”

“An explanation would be nice. It would have been nicer three weeks ago instead of just blowing me off, not showing up and not communicating. That’s weak Victoria” Evan feels the hurt and rage boiling up inside of him. 

“It is, because I am weak Evan. It’s who I am, I hate conflict, rocking the boat in this case the outcome it will produce scares me. You are more self-assured and I have tried to emulate that but I just can’t Evan. Where will I go? What will I do if I leave? How will it impact my daughter for the rest of her life? These are big decisions Evan, big impacts.”

“I know Victoria. I hear you and I have thought about all of that. And you staying somewhere you don’t want to be is big too and not healthy. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, take a chance without a plan, without knowing exactly how everything will turn out. And guess what, you won’t be alone. I will be here, going through it with you. I am still working through my own separation and divorce, because I decided to take this one life and make it fulfilling. Maybe that will be with you, maybe not, but I knew it wasn’t where I was.”

Victoria’s eyes are tearing up, she knows everything Evan is saying is true and his words are strong. But the fear she feels is stronger. 

“Look,” Evan continues “you made me feel like I was something, someone, and then you made me feel like I was nothing. You and I are different and I have come to realize that all you wanted from me was a fantasy, an escape. I wish I was someone who could do that, who could disconnect emotionally. I tried to be that person, but it is counter intuitive for me.” Evan’s words coming from a place of pain and disappointment now and hitting Victoria with such force that she instinctively looks around for a place to sit.” You need to make up your mind Victoria and when you do, I may still be here. I won’t wait for you, but I won’t abandon you either because I care about you. But now you need to go before Rueben arrives”.

With that, Evan leads her towards the door and turns the knob. Victoria follows him reluctantly, feeling a strong pull to put down her stuff and never leave this place. When she gets to the door, she turns towards Evan with the intention of a quick kiss on the cheek, but he has stepped back, anticipating and rejecting it.