I was drowning

"come on you got to come in Collete, it's warm" my mom begged me to come night swimming with her at my grandparents.house. I was just here till the weekend, and then i could leave. that had become my moto this week.

"okay, okay i'm coming" she was right about one thing the water was warm it swallowed her whole as she went under. I had always loved swimming it was peace. it was quiet. I went further to the deep end. my grandparents loved to call me their little mermaid. it was like i was meant for the water. i did a summer salt. i love night swimming for a couple of reasons. I love the way no can see you. i love the way you can't see the water around you. i love because at night when you swim you become one with the water.

"Collete do a cool trick for me" she demanded. and so i did, because I was going to leave soon. i went under, and did the slow est summer salt. i had forgot my googles. i couldn't find my way up. i was stuck under the water, i was stuck under the one thing i felt like i got along with i was stuck.i was drowning. my throat was burning with the lack of air. i was garbing at everything. i eventually found a wall, and i climbed out.

"Collete why were you under for so long"

I screamed at her " i was drowning" and started sobbing. i let my thoughts take me away as i looked at her with all the hatred.

What if I had died today

Would I wish I could have stayed

What about all the things I wish I could have said

What if I have woken up in that hospital bed

You all act as if it never happened

And you all keep yelling and snappen

What if I hadn’t found the surface

What if I didn’t make it out

What if I float to the heavens

Would you have been nicer

Would your regret burden you

Because you never showed gratitude

Would you have wished upon a star

Begged for me to be here

Would you blame me for leavening

Why should I feel bad for you

If I am and will always be inferior to you

Do I feel anything for you

No I don’t you because you only ever brushed me aside

Like a spec of dust

I am a spec of dust and will always be one

Aren’t we all dust

Isn’t that what I become

Isn’t that what you become

When our body’s fall apart isn’t that what happens

Yet I almost fell apart

And you couldn’t have cared less

I almost was gone and never to speak again

And you don’t care

You seem to think I was imagining

Imagining drowning

Imagining the air being sucked away

Imagining that my life might have ended

Imagining that I might never breath the air in again

You seem to think that it never happened

Are you in denial

Do you really think life is one party

You maybe it was better staying down there

It’s quiet

The water will at least hold me while I die

The water at least let’s me go gently

The water at least cared that it will end quiet

Do you

No you won’t even think about it

You won’t come to terms that I could have died

But you keep brushing me aside

What about all the things I wish I had said

Should I go to my grave with them

Well I almost did

Would I tell the person the only person who’s holds my heart

I love you

Or would I have been a coward

Who would I have thought of last

Would I tell the person who I hate

I hate you

Or would I have kept it inside of me

Would I tell all the people

Who I have something to say

Or would I take it with me down to my watery grave

Down

In

The

Blue

Death

The death of a coward

The death of a secret keeper

The death of a liar

Because all good liars keep secrets

What would you have changed if I didn’t die

No you didn’t change cause I didn’t die

You live like you did before

Like the same person i have grown to hate

Would it make me awful if I had wished I died

Would it make me a coward

If when I was under the water

For a split second I wished

For not this life anymore

Just not this life

Just any other life

Then the survival instincts

Kick in

There was going to be fighting I wasn’t done with life

No matter how much I really was

I couldn’t die the death of a coward

I couldn’t die with you winning

I just am tried

People say they regret things

People regret when people die

They regret the way they treated them

Do you regret the way you treated me

Do you

No you don’t

You don’t know that

You are the one person

Who has literally killed me day after day

All I want you the regular version of your role in society

But instead I got you

You are the only person I have yearned for

But not anymore

Because of how you treated me

I almost died

I am living on borrowed time

And still don’t realize that I could have been striped of my life in a couple more seconds

A couple of minutes

A few hours

But I never expected you to change

Either

I never in a million years hope you would change

Yet in some part of me I still wished

Not hoped

Just wished

You could love like your supposed to

Not anymore

Not any less

I never asked for perfect

Just something

Something worth fighting for

Worth living for

I just hoped you could give me the world

So one day I could give it back

I just wanted your support on everything

And I got nothing

and all i wanted was my mom