Yellow cabs

Because I don’t know.   I don’t work here.   I can’t help.  I keep telling you this.   I’m not a car mechanic.   What you need is a car mechanic.  

No, no.  I don’t want a car mechanic.   All I need is for you to come here, which is by the McDonald’s on Husky and Main and help me jump start my car.   It’ll just take you a minute.  

Look.  I got other shit to do other than jump start your car every day.   That ever occur to you?   Maybe I want to see the movie in the lobby.   Maybe I wanna play bridge with my friends.  Look, why don’t you call up AAA or a local mechanic, or even the local cops.   I’m tired of bailing you out every other day when your car breaks down.   Why don’t you just buy a new car?   It’s be cheaper than the amount of money you’re spending on maintenance on this piece of shit.   

I’ll tell you why.   AAA is a rip off.  I used to drive a taxi so I don’t need trip tics.    Why am I going to waste $100 of dollars each year for shit I never use.  

Right. Why waste your money on AAA, when you could just call me?   Right?   Well, I’m done.   I’m buying caller ID and if I see your name, I’m not picking up.   Hell, I’ll call AT&T and have them block your number from my line.   

I thought we were friends.   Look, what I’m asking for isn’t a big deal.   Hell, if you need me to jump start your car, I’ll help you, anytime; day or night.   Right now, though, I’m asking for your help.  So, what d’ya say?

I say that’s what you said the last time you needed me.   But, I don’t need you to jumpstart my car.   I have a newer car, because I bought a new car three years ago.   Now, what make and model is your car again?

It’s a 1974 Honda.  

That’s why it keeps breaking down.  It’s from ‘74.   You need a new car.   Then, you’d stop calling me every other goddamn day.  

This is a good car.  Honda’s a good brand.  

Yea, Honda’s a good brand.   So, why don’t you go to a fucking Honda dealer and get yourself a new Honda.   If you had a new Honda, you’d stop calling me.  Where are you again?  

I’m at the McDonald’s by Husky and Main.  

Wait a second.  

You’re getting your keys?

Shut up.  

Such language.  

Here, there’s a car repair shop one-and-a-half blocks from where you are.   Get a pen and paper.  

Wait.   No, those places are a rip off.   They see me stranded, they’ll charge me a fortune.   

Maybe I should charge you for bothering me every other day.   Go get a pen and paper.  

 Ok.  Hold on.  

I never should’ve given this moron my number.  

Did you know they give seniors free drinks at McDonald’s?

Great.   Why don’t you ask them for a free jumper cable and a new battery or new starter, or whatever the fucks wrong with that piece of shit you own.  

I did.   They said I’d have to call a mechanic.  Maybe I could have you come down here and I could put the car in neutral and push it down the street.  

Or maybe you could spend $10 and have that piece of shit towed a fucking block and a half?

No, ‘cause then they’d see I’m desperate and they’d overcharge me.  

Right.  And thank God you’re not a woman or else they’d really take advantage.   Or maybe you need to call the Better Business Bureau and report they ripped you off twenty-seven-and-a-half cents?  

But my phone’s almost out of juice and my battery needs a jump, so I can’t recharge it, but if I could jump . . . 

No, I’m not doing this anymore.   Ask someone at McD’s to help you push it down there or maybe a customer.   Or, who knows, if you’d spend some money, a tow company could get you down there.   I’m not the triple-A, I’m not a car mechanic, I got other things to do other then fucking around with your bullshit.   

I wonder if I can get free refills on a free drink?

I’m not going down there and I got my own coffee and cola in my own apartment.  

Maybe if I go in there and tell them I need something easy and cheap like changing my oil, or refilling my tires, or checking the air filter?   Then, I could have them check the battery and give me a jump?  

Good.   Do that.  

Ok.   Damn it.  

What now?

The gears won’t change unless the car is on.   See, I could take care of all of this if you’d just drive down here and jumpstart my car.  

Or you could go into McDonald’s and ask for a fucking phone book and call a towing company.   Or you could walk to the mechanic and have them tow your piece-of-shit a block-and -a-half.   Or you could call a car dealership and trade in this piece of shit for something decent.   I’m not doing this anymore.  Goodbye.  

Wait.  Wait.  You’re right.  I’m sorry.  I’m just in a jam and need your help.  

No, you don’t need my help.  What you need is a car mechanic.   You got insurance on that piece of shit, right?

Of course I got insurance.   You think I’d drive without insurance?

Good.  Call them up.   See if they’ll pay to tow your car.  I’m not the Triple-A, I’m not a car mechanic.   This is raising my blood pressure and I don’t want to do this anymore.   

But . . .

No buts.   You took this piece of shit from New York to Florida.  You can afford a new car.   Get rid of it or don’t, but stop calling me to bail you out.  

I’m not asking you to bail me out.   I’m not asking for money.  I’m just asking you to jumpstart my car one more time.  

One more time?   That’s what you said two days ago and two days before that and two days before . . .

I know, but this time . . .

And you told me you’d take it to the mechanic then and did you?

Well, no, because once we jump started it, it was fine.  

And did you or did you not say you’d bring it in to get serviced?

I did and I was going to make an appointment, but I like to see what they’re doing with my baby.  

Baby?   Try great, great grandmother.   Throw it away.  Look, I gotta go.  Don’t call me anymore.