A Christmas Egg

Christina exhaled long and hard trying to calm her nerves. The wind and snow felt extra cold against the back of her neck. Everything still felt strange after recently chopping all of her hair off. The snowflakes bounced off of her black ski coat. With nothing else she could do she rang the doorbell.

Ding dong.

Those few moments as she waited at the front door of her childhood home dragged on for ages. The noises from the other side grew louder. The excited yelling from her sisters, the dogs barking, her mom telling everyone to calm down. Then the door opened.

“Christina!” Her mom yelled while pulling her into a tight embrace. Christina’s overstuffed backpack made it quite an awkward hug.

“Welcome home, baby girl.” Her dad said emerging from the kitchen. The smell of her mom’s famous Christmas gingerbread finally hit her and with it the memories of almost two decades of Christmas eves and waiting for Santa to come. A pretty typical experience for a Christian household.

Her two younger sisters came barreling around the corner.

“CHRIS! CHRIS!” The twins each latched onto a leg forcing her mom to relinquish the hug.

“Nice to see you too, Rugrats.” Christina laughed.

“What did you do to your hair?” Her dad said while joining the fray. A twinge of disappointment in his voice.

“I like it!” Rosie chirped up from Christina’s right leg.

“It makes you look like a boy” Ivy said in a blunt, simply stating facts way.

“She’s an adult now, she can make her own choices.” Her mom directed towards her dad.

“You know Ivy, a lot of girls have hair like this.” She said while prying her sister off her leg. 

“Here, why don’t we take this further in the house so we stop letting the cold air in?” her mom said while herding them all in further into the house.

Christina dropped her backpack filled with her clothes for winter break and collapsed on the living room couch. “So rugrats, how’s the third grade treating you?” 

The twins came diving onto the couch, landing on opposite sides of their older sister. “Rosie likes a boy.” Ivy blurted out in the annoying way that siblings do. Christina saw her dad flinch a little.

“No, I don’t” Rosie started climbing over Christina.

“Woah, woah, woah!” Christina started holding the girls back from each other. “Both of you sit down.” She turned to Ivy. “Ivy, there’s two possibilities here. Number one, you made that up to embarrass your sister and that’s just mean. Or number two, Rosie trusted you enough to tell you that and no one else. And now you told her secret and broke her trust.” Ivy looked like a dejected puppy. Christina then turned to Rosie. “And Rosie, I don’t know if it’s true or not, but liking someone is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“I told you we would be a mess without you.” Their mom said while shaking her head.

“Girls, give Christina a break. She just got home.” Their dad responded. The twins sunk back into the couch cushions on their respective sides. 

Christina began to take in everything. The things that have changed and the things that stayed the same. All along the walls there were pictures of her when she was her sisters’ age. Pictures of her doing the things her parents thought were best for her. Little eight year old Christina in a tutu at her ballet recital. The Snow White costume that she wore for Halloween for years because her parents refused to get her a new costume. The smile on her face looked so forced. Further along the wall there were more photos from her teenage years. In every family photo she looked miserable. Make-up was pasted on her face like a clown. There were a few photos where she genuinely looked happy. The one after her championship soccer game, she was holding her trophy covered in mud because it had rained that morning. There was also the time she was in the school play. There were too many girls in the cast so she got to play lead’s father. That experience really changed how she viewed theater and art in general.

“So we’ll give you a bit to get settled in and then we’ll have dinner and open presents.” Her mom snapped her back to the present.

“Presents!” The twins screamed in unison. They had come out of their sulking stupor and started jumping up and down on the couch as if nothing happened. Christina only then noticed the pile of gifts under the Christmas tree. The tree was covered in those globe ornaments that you can put photos in. There were so many pictures of baby Christina in pink dresses. She was their first born so they went overboard on the gender reveal party and sticking with that theme.

“Alright, come on and help set the table.” Their mom said. The girls looked over at the tree longingly before running to the kitchen.

Dinner was as awkward as one could expect for their first time visiting home after leaving for college. All of the questions about classes, dorm life, and career goals. A lot of doubtful glances and worried comments came when Christina told them that she hasn’t picked a major yet. After all the awkward dancing around politics that always comes up at the dinner table, they finally finished their meal and the girls sprinted over to the tree.

The girls started passing out the presents. The family rule was that everyone opens one at the same time so no one feels left out. The girls got a matching set of Barbies. Whenever it came to dolls or stuffed animals, they always got the same ones. Their parents were terrified of getting one twin a gift and not getting the same thing for the other. Her mom got a new set of earrings and her dad got a tie.

When Christina opened hers something inside her died. She wasn’t shocked by it but some emotion so overwhelming almost pushed her to tears. It was a dress. A floral dress. Christina held the fabric in her hands and just stared. She couldn’t name it. She was used to this. All her life her parents had given her dresses but this time something inside her broke. 

Her parents looked over at her expecting the usual, polite thank you, but she couldn’t move. Her brain and body froze. 

“No” Christina muttered under her breath.

“What was that?” her Dad asked in a way that said “You better say thank you.”

“I can’t do this anymore.” She said still not moving. There was a dead silence in the room. Even her sisters stopped moving. She dropped the dress to the group and ran to her old childhood bedroom. She could never tell her parents this but it was clear as day in her head.

I am not a girl! I was never a girl! I want to be a guy.

Tears started streaming down his face as he grabbed every girly thing in his room and throwing them in the trash bin. He collapsed on the floor.

Knock, knock, knock

Note about the title: An "egg" in the trans community is somebody who hasn't "hatched" yet. Eggs are trans people who haven't realized they're trans or in denial about their identity