April 9th, 2020

9^th April 2020

I should not have opened that stupid email.

Now I am guaranteed another sleepless night. Fine, sleepless at least until the early dawn and it is pass midnight already. All these emotions building in me right now, it all started because of that crappy email.

I should not have clicked on that stupid email.

It was really tempting when I saw the sender’s name. I just finished watching a documentary about the fragile human minds hours earlier today and learned just how easy it is to trick the human mind. It succumbs to temptations quite easily because as humans, we are auto-conditioned to do the exact opposite thing the moment we are told NO. I told myself NO, I should not open the email because that would mean business pass midnight. No need to guess what I did.

I clicked on the stupid email.

The only thing I did not expect was it brought news informing that I have failed my assessment. Me. Failing. An Assessment. Failing this assessment means, I have to re-do it before I could secure an interview for a job.

A NEW JOB.

I am looking for a NEW job in the middle of a global virus pandemic. Since this whole virus thing happened, I never thought I will experience so many first times all at once. My first experience being retrenched. My first experience trying to survive a global virus pandemic with my family members. My first experience failing a really stupid assessment. My first experience in my life working from home. My first experience not stepping out of the house for more than two weeks. This is my first time trying make sure my dad stops flirting with the next-door neighbor bitch who insists to send over cheese tarts her grown daughter made at 12am midnight. Also, this is my first time harboring intense feelings of dislike to my pain in the behind of a boss. I get he was not the one who made final decisions on who to let go but he was definitely the who gets to influence who gets to say. Plot twist?

I was his friend for more than 10 years.

AND, he got me this job, pulling the strings from the back. AND, he listed my name up for retrenchment. I swear to you I did nothing. Maybe I did not lick his boot enough. He fancies this guy colleague of mine even he was a complete clown. Yes, I am bitter right now. I think I am entitled to. At least until I get a new job. I was talking to Wilma earlier since she is working with me right now and got the sack too, we agree to curse more so the entire company closes down and my boss gets the sack too. That will teach him.

I am confused to what I am feeling right now. Everything felt overwhelming. I do not know if this is a sign telling me my time is up with this company and am I supposed to move on with something else OR is this just a temporary set-back? My butt of a boss did mention I could go back once it re-expands again but when you think about it, if a company is so heartless to fire you the moment it smells trouble, is that company really worth my loyalty and efforts? Just because they pay a wage? This company which hired me was one which bragged everything about employee empowerment. How ironic the moment they have troubles, the first thing they thought off was mass layoffs instead of an alternative pay cut. But in times like these though, it is everyone for themselves. I get it.

I do not think I am half bad. At least, I do not have to worry about survival for the next 6 months. Of course, having an additional income means I can afford another 6 months and other 6 months but I just started a house loan. I have to find ways to pay for that somehow. Thank god it is a small apartment. I got that so if I ever stay a spinster, I have at least, a place of my own to die in.

Being lockdown for so long, I start to realize about so many things I have done and why I have done them. Like why I did not bother to date anyone years back, instead, using my time to chase stars (like idols or actors all over the region) and I wondered if I could have done more to secure my financial status. Also, could I have done more for what I want? I got time to finally think about what I want to do. In life.

I really wonder if I can afford to start all over again after everything goes back to normal? Will the world go back to normal again though?

Urgh! I hate it when dad activates the alarm. I hear it loudest from my room and it always gave me a fright.

Back to starting all over again. It is really scary to think about all these. The what I want do with life question and the effort and sacrifice that I have to give each step of the way. Daunting is one, mental fatigue because of the unknown is another. I understand going through all these are necessary. I kind of understand why some people are desperate to want to run away too. You do not get a good night’s sleep when you decide to chase after what you want.

I achieve peaceful sleeps recently, I come to appreciate that inner peace with myself is so important. Damn it, does this mean I should consider being a nun? But I do not want to give up chasing after my cute boys from the region!

It is nearly 4am. While writing this, I am listening to jazz. For some reason, jazz always calms me down and a lot of the time, helps me sleep better. I think I will try to achieve REM dream, maybe I can subconsciously think of the next millionaire idea to secure my life once and for all. Maybe I do not have to work for any stupid company ever again? Or maybe write the next hit story?

I found this website where they are encouraging people to submit their stories and guess what is their contest latest theme? Diary entries. I can just send this one in and try my luck. I wonder if they have like evaluation for each entry. I love to read any feedbacks. Anything. Good, bad.

I have to wake up by 8am tomorrow. The bad news is I still have to work by 9am but the good news is, it will be Friday. That means I get to laze around Saturday and Sunday, running away from reality until Monday comes again.

My Prime Minister will announce tomorrow if the country will extend the lockdown. I have a big hunch it will be an extension. I do not mind that. I rather enjoy it. I hear so many people complaining they are bored out of their wits but I also hear and see as many people enjoying and brushing up their skills during this period. I want to be in the latter group. I think I am doing something at least. Wait, does watching courses and talks from Youtube counts? I am watching a lot about ghost hunting.

Great, now I hear something on the roof. What timing but since it is pass 3am, I do not think anything thumping the roof above me is anything scary.

I think I will just distract myself with writing something else. Not this of course. This is done.