Tito

CW: Mild violence and gore

TOTO

“It’s been a helluva week, Doc, a helluva week.” Toto shook his head.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

He shook his head again. “I dunno. You won’t believe me. I hardly believe it myself.”

Dr. Baum smiled at Toto. “Why don't you try?”

Toto looked skeptically at the doctor. She was a great therapist, but …

“You’d be surprised at the stories my patients tell me,” she continued. “I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t heard before.”

Toto snorted. He wasn’t so sure. “Can you promise me you won’t, you know, have me committed, or anything?”

Dr. Baum looked steadily at her patient. “Obviously something disturbing has happened to you, Toto. We need to talk about it. But you are in no danger of being institutionalized.” She smiled. “At least not by me.”

“Really?”

“I’ve never lied to you, Toto. I’m sure.”

“Okay, here goes.” He took a deep breath. “It really was my fault.”

*****

“That wicked old witch!” said Dorothy, shaking her head, anger radiating off her.

I seriously tried to look contrite, but damn, that cat was a menace. Always slinking around, jumping out at me, swatting me with its stupid claws. So this time I’d had it, and I lunged at the stupid thing. I didn’t want to hurt it, only scare it. But Old Lady Gulch stepped between us, and I ended up nipping–not biting, but nipping–the old hag’s ankle. She lost her bananas. She rode off on her stupid bike, cursing me, and saying she’d be back. And she–was with a petition to have me put down as a dangerous animal.

Me! Dangerous! Malarky! If she didn’t insist on dragging that stupid cat all over, this would never have happened. If you ask me, the cat’s the menace, not me!

But Em and Henry agreed with her, even if they didn't want to. They said it was a lawful order. I was done-zo. No jury of my peers, no appeals–just that old biddy’s word against mine, and nobody was listening to me. She wrangled me up right then and there, stuffed me into her stupid bicycle basket, and headed to the veterinarian. But I was able to escape, cuz I'm crafty. When I made it back to the farm, Doe decided that the only way to save me was to run away. So we did. We didn't get too far before we realized it was a mistake. There was a tornado coming. In fact, we could see it on the horizon, so we had to hightail it back to the farm, pronto!

We just made it, but the storm cellar door was locked, so we ran into the house, just as the twister hit.

I gotta tell ya, that was one wild ride. That tornado picked up the house like it was nothin’. We were spinning and spinning. It was so scary. To tell the truth, I was worried about when that twister would spit us out. The farmhouse is old and had seen better days. A tornado would probably split the place into a million pieces.

Who knows how long we were up in the air? It seemed like hours. Then, what I feared happened. The twister spit us out and we started falling to earth. We landed with a thud and a bump. The house hadn’t shattered into matchsticks, so yay! It seemed like we’d survived in one piece. Doe got off the bed, a little weak kneed, and we walked towards the front door. She opened the door and inhaled sharply.

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

I looked around. No kidding! This was certainly not Kansas–strange trees, funky little houses, and this weird-ass road was circling around and around. Definitely not Kansas!

Then I smelled it. Death. I looked at Doe, but she didn’t notice. People are weak like that. I couldn’t blame her. But I could smell it.

*****

“Toto, when you said you smelled death, what did you mean?”

Toto looked at Dr. Baum. “Something was dead, literally. I mean, when something’s dead, there’s a funky smell–well funky until it’s ripe, depending on how long something’s been dead. That’s what I smelled–that newly dead smell. Definitely dead, but not for too long."

*****

We started walking around, and I could also smell people–not dead people, but live people. And I could hear them rustling around, but Doe didn’t hear a thing. Humans with their weak-ass sense of smell and hearing! Shesh.

Then–no lies–this big old bubble came floating down from the sky. A bubble, like a kid’s toy, only this one kept getting bigger and bigger. Then this lady appeared. I shit you not–she appeared out of the bubble! She was all sparkley, had a wand and everything. She looked like a princess. But she was a witch. She asked Doe if she’s a good witch or a bad witch. Doe ain’t no witch. She’s a nice girl from Kansas. Then the sparkly witch-lady asked if I’m a witch. Hell no, I’m a male dog, and proud of it!

Turns out she needed to know ‘cuz our house landed on the Wicked Witch of the East. Bam! Right on top of her. Dead. Apparently, only witches can kill other witches. So, she thought we were witches. Go figure?

Then all these little people–I think the sparkly witch called them Munchkins–started coming out of the bushes. I was so excited! I’d found my people! In Kansas, I’m a small dog. People regularly don’t see me and “accidently” kick me, trip over me, or step on my tail. You know, I’m always in the way because they’re not watching where they’re going. Sheesh!

But not here! Among all these Munchkins, I was a normal size dog! Not one of them stepped on me, or tripped over me. I was just the right size! I was so happy! If we had to be somewhere that wasn’t Kansas, this was it.

*****

“Would you have stayed if Dorothy went back home?”

Toto didn’t hesitate a second. “No way, Doc. I go where Doe goes–we’re a team!”

****

But we couldn’t say. We had to skedaddle. Apparently in Oz–that’s the name of the place we’d landed in–if you drop a house on a wicked witch, there are other witches who are gonna come for you. Especially if the witch your house fell on is her sister.

But that wasn’t bad enough. Nooooo. The dead witch was wearing these fancy-assed ruby slippers which were magic. Glinda–the sparkly witch–said to Doe, “they’re yours.” Doe didn’t even want the stupid shoes, but Glinda gave them to her, which really pissed off the Wicket Witch of the West–W3, which meant that Doe and I were on the W3’s hit list. But more on that later.

Doe told Glinda that we wanted to go home. Apparently, there was a Wizard in the Emerald City and he could get Doe and me back to Kansas. I was skeptical, but Doe was really excited.

All we had to do was follow the yellow brick road–the road that twirled around our house. It would get us to the wizard. Colour me suspicious, but Doe was onboard, so off we went.

So we followed this yellow brick road. But then we started meeting these really weird guys, right on the road. Like they were waiting for us.

****

“How did you feel having these men join you and Dorothy?”

“I mean, I was a little leary–we didn’t know these guys from Adam. But Doe thought it was okay, so what the heck, right?” Toto looked at Dr. Baum. “I coulda taken them–one at a time, or all together. I’m small but mighty!” He flexed his front paw so she could see his muscles. “These were seriously weird dudes. I mean, it turns out they all needed to visit the wizard. Coincidence? You tell me.”

“When you say they were weird, what do you mean?”

“This is where it gets weird–well weirder than our house falling on a witch. The first guy was a scarecrow

“A scarcrow?” asked Dr Baum.

“Yeah. An honest-to-God, no-kidding, stuffed-with-straw, stuck-on-a-pole-in-the-middle-of-a-cornfield scarecrow. Kinda dumb, but a stand-up guy.”

“Hmmm,” she said, scribbling on her pad.

“Then we found another guy. He was a tin man.”

“A tin man? Explain.”

Toto shook his head. “Not a man who makes tin but a guy made entirely out of tin! And he was one rusty SOB, let me tell you. Said he didn’t have a heart, but seriously, he was made out of tin. Doe’s tin watering can doesn’t have a heart, sooooo, just saying.”

“I see.” More scribbling.

“And the last guy was a lion. A no-shit roaring loin–big mane, long teeth.”

“Were you frightened?

“Nah. He grabbed me, and Doe went off on him, and he almost peed his pants. I’ve seen lions before, but man, this guy was a scaredy cat. Afraid of his own shadow!”

“Interesting.”

*****

Remember the W3? Yeah, she was super pissed at us. She wanted those ruby slippers bad. And she kept trying to stop us from getting to see the Wizard. She threw fire balls at us. Not good if you’re made of straw. I tried to pee on the fire, but there was only so much I could do. Tin man threw himself on the fire to smother it. Real stand-up guy.

So, we were almost at the Emerald City–we can see it on the other side of this field of red flowers. Turns out they were poppies. Yeah, you heard me, poppies. As in the flowers they make heroin from. Duh. I bounded in like everyone else, but man, I was passed-out fast. I mentioned I was small, right?

Anyway, it was a shit show. Me, Doe, and Lion went down like the Titanic–out cold. Tin Man and Scarecrow were still fine because they aren’t … alive? Mammals? I don’t know. I just know the poppies didn’t affect them. So they started hollering for help. Guess who helps? Sparkly Glinda. She made it snow and we woke up.

But wouldn’t you know it? We got to the gates of Emerald City, and they wouldn’t let in. Son of a bitch! We’d travelled all that way, and they wouldn’t let us in!

*****

“How did that make you feel?

“Pissed right off!” He looked at Dr. Baum. “I think it was because I was a dog.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because for the entire time I was in Oz, I never saw another dog.”

“Hmmmm.”

*****

So, when the Guardian of the Gate sees Doe’s fancy-assed shoes, we were in. And because we were supposed to go see the wizard, we all got a spa day. Bath, brushing, trimming, nails clipped–the works. They prettied-up Dorothy, restuffed Scarecrow, buffed up Tin Man, and gave Lion the works, just like me. We were a fine looking group. No motley crew for the Wizard!

So we were literally off to see the Wizard. It turned out to be a whole lot of bluster and noise. Poor Lion might have peed a bit. But we all sucked it up and went in. Giant head on the wall, talking. Making punk-ass demands. “Blah, blah, blah, bring me the broomstick of the Witch of the West, and I will grant you your requests.”

*****

“I knew that was bullshit. The guy was a shyster. But Doe and her friends didn’t know that.”

“Why didn’t you tell them?”

Toto raised one eyebrow, and looked a little disappointed at Dr. Baum. “Seriously, Doc? How many people do you know who speak dog, let alone Carin Terrior?”

She shook her head. “Sorry. I forgot.”

*****

So, we headed out to find the witch, which wasn’t that hard, because she was looking for us. But what she did to us in the haunted forest was next level psycho. Sure she flung fire balls at us, and wrote “Surrender Dorothy” in the sky with her broomstick, but in the forest, the gloves were off.

*****

“Toto? Do you want to take a break? You seem upset. Do you want a chance to regroup?”

Toto took a deep breath. “Nah. I’m fine. It was just so … so … disturbing.” He looked at Dr. Baum. “If I never see another monkey in my life, it will be too soon.”

*****

We’re walking through this super creepy forest–it was the only way to the witch’s castle. Who knew witches lived in castles? Not me!

Anyway, there’s all this scary shit–vultures, crows, decrepit trees–the whole shebang. I’m not gonna lie. It was scary AF. Then there were–I-shit-you-not–flying monkeys, and they are attacking. They grabbed up me and Doe, and flew us to the witch’s castle. They flew like they were birds, but man, they were monkeys. Gross. I’m not gonna lie. I was freaked out.

We got to the castle, and W3 stuffs me into this basket. Again. I’ve had enough of baskets! I heard her threaten to drown me if Doe didn’t hand over the shoes. Bad news! These stupid shoes that Glinda forced on Doe can only be removed once Doe’s dead! NFW! Not on my watch! So, I did what I had to do, and escaped. I bopped right out of that creepy old castle, and tracked down the guys.

*****

“So, how did you find your friends?”

“I could smell them. These were pretty odiferous dudes.”

“What would you have done if you couldn’t find them?”

Again with the head shake. “Dr. Baum, I’m a dog. I smell things. Of course I would find them. It was never an issue. Sheesh!”

*****

So, I found the guys. We stormed the castle. Okay, okay, we snuck into the castle, found Doe, but we needed a plan to get the broomstick. Not so easy, considering W3 was always hanging on to it.

Anyway, our plan was a bit faulty, and we were trapped. W3 was there, and just to prove that she really was a psycho, she set Scarecrow on fire. Again. Doe grabbed a bucket of water and threw it at Scarecrow, but a lot of water hit W3. And, again, I ain’t lying, that psycho witch melted. She melted like a cheap candle. All that was left was a puddle of green witch goo and her hat. She didn’t even smell like death. She just smelled like wax and burned meat. Gross, I guess, but there was the burned meat smell, and it had been a while since my last meal …

We thought we were screwed. Rule number one, don’t kill the witch when you’re surrounded by her henchmen. But, guess what? They hated her as much as we did. They were grateful. So yay!

We headed back to the Wiz with the broomstick, and you know what? That con man wanted us to jump through more hoops. We’d done what he wanted, but that wasn’t enough. I was angry! Doe needed to know this guy was a fake!

*****

“What did you do”

“So Doe and the guys were all kowtowing to this dude. ‘What can we do to appease you, great and powerful Oz?’ Shit like that. But I knew. Guy was fake as a three dollar bill. I had to show them he was a loser.”

“How did you do that, Toto?”

Toto took a deep breath. “I smelled him. He was behind a stupid curtain that was too short and showed his feet. Duh! So I pulled open the curtain.”

“What happened?”

“He was pissed! Told everyone to ignore the guy behind the curtain. Duh! I saw him working his levers and switches.” Toto shook his head. “He was just a guy. And not a very smart guy.” More head shaking.

*****

After I showed Doe and the others that their “wizard” was a fake, he came clean. “Wah, wah, wah, my balloon got blown off course, and here I am.”

He did help our friends, though. Scarecrow got his brain, Tin Man got his heart, and Lion got his courage. Again, bullshit. These dudes already had everything they wanted and needed. They were stand-up guys.

The only one without what she needed was Doe. The Wiz decided that he needed to go home using his balloon, and he invited Doe. We were all loaded up in the balloon, when I lost it again. A cat. I bailed, and Doe–faithful human that she is–couldn’t leave me. She jumped out of the balloon basket. Remember how I said the Wiz was a doofus? Well, he was. He couldn’t even stop his stupid balloon from floating away. Loser.

Doe and I were trapped. No way to get back home.

*****

“Were you worried about being stuck in Oz?” asked Dr. Baum.

“Nah. As long as I was with Doe, I was cool.” He paused. “But she was super bummed. Tears and everything. I felt like shit.” Pause. “But there was a cat.”

*****

Surprise! There was Ginda. She set Doe right up! Three clicks of her heels, “There’s no place like home,” three times, and BAM! We were back home.

Amazeballs!

Weirdly, the house was there too. But never mind.

Everyone was there Em and Henry, and the farm hands, Hunk, Hickory, and Zeke.

*****

“What happened when you returned to Kansas?”

“Doe had gotten a pretty severe bonk on her head, and apparently, everyone was worried. TBI, maybe. I don’t know. But when she tried to tell them her story, they didn’t believe her. She grabbed me and hugged me, and asked if I believed her. Of course I did! If I could have told them I would have.”

*****

After Toto left, Dr. Baum reviewed her notes. Toto had told a fantastical story–one beyond belief.

She’d tell her husband Frank. Maybe he could write a children’s book about Toto and Dorothy.