Negative

You step outside and take a breath of the fresh air. The sun was out and white fluffy clouds sat all throughout the sky, they looked like a Bob Ross painting. Today was a good day, you could feel it. You always knew this day would come. You and your husband, Josh, have waited for it since forever. You slowly walk toward your faded pink mailbox that stands at the end of your driveway and pull out the stack of mail waiting to be looked at. The cool breeze picks up through your hair and the smell of new paper hits your nose. You skip through coupons for soap, laundry detergent, toilet paper, and other necessities but it's nothing you are looking for. "She said one to two weeks, it should be here." You move the last sheet of coupons and gasp loudly when you land on it. It was a white envelope, an envelope that would be considered unimportant on any other day but to you this wasn't just any other day. You place your palm on the envelope almost like you are trying to read what it says without actually doing it. You and Josh have always wanted kids and have been trying for years but after many failed pregnancies you decided to try an infertility clinic. Just the possibility that you could hold your own child made your heart warm. Josh was an only child and grew up in a military family which meant they never stayed in a place for so long. He never had the chance to make close friends and he never had a close relationship with his parents. His father was in the military and his mother was a workaholic that worked at a small law firm. Although he had plenty of cousins they were always too old for him or a lot younger than him, no one he could relate to. Having kids meant he could finally have something he never had before; family. You grew up in a family with just two kids but after your older brother became another victim lost to a mental illness, the house you lived in became cold and dark. There wasn't any laughter or kids running in and out of the house on a hot summer day, it was just empty. You no longer had someone to confide in or to make fun of. It didn't help that both your parents were only children so the possibility of having any cousins, nieces, or nephews was pretty slim. A huge part of you always blamed your parents for not having more than just two children so as you got older you vowed to have children, enough to fill a home. Your mind shifts to that day at the doctors' office. You remember the different diagrams of the reproductive system, you remember the nice smiles on the nurses faces and their light blue or pink scrubs with rubber ducks on them but mostly importantly you remember the pictures of happy smiling parents with their children, taped to the butterfly walls. Some of the pictures looked like they had been there forever and some looked brand new. You wanted to be up on that board, with all the other happy families. You wanted a spot up there as a reminder of how far you have come to get a beautiful child. You wanted that feeling of being able to hold one of your own. You wanted to experience what being a parent was like, the ups and downs of it, you wanted it all. "Have you ever thought of the possibility of adopting? There are many loving children needing a home." You sit in one of the most trusted fertility doctors offices, Dr. Ronda. "Are you saying this donor won't work?" You watch Dr. Ronda stroll over to you and place her hand on your shoulder, "That's not at all what I'm saying but it's always nice to have other options." You smile and lean into your husband, "we want to try the donor." It was a lot but after a few weeks and thousands of different tests, it was finally time to see if you were pregnant. "How long do you think it might take to get the test results," you ask, twisting your fingers like a pretzel, a nervous habit you adapted over the years of trying to get pregnant. "A week or two tops. Are you excited?" You smile and try your hardest to swallow a pit of worry you feel building up, "I am and I feel pretty darn awesome." Dr. Ronda chuckles, "that's because you are. Does emailing you the test results sound good, if not I could always message you." "Could you mail the test results to me? I love surprises." You have been waiting all this time so a little more waiting couldn't hurt and plus waiting for the test results just felt like the right thing to do. You didn't want to rush into things and possibly ruin everything. You wanted to take things slow and have enough time to think about what the future could bring. You opened your eyes back to the present and looked down at the tear across the envelope; you didn't even know you did that. "Maybe I should wait for Josh," you think aloud but your hands move faster than your thoughts and pretty soon you are staring at the paper. The white envelope that was light and airy a few seconds ago now felt heavy. It slides from your sweaty hand and you let out a choked cry. You feel your heart go heavy and sink to the bottom of your stomach. Bile rises up in your throat and you start to feel tears form in your eyes. "No!" "Babe, are you ok!?" You don't even hear Josh come up from behind you because the only thing on your mind right now, in big bold letters is the word you dreaded most: NEGATIVE.