The Nothingness

THE NOTHINGNESS 

Here I was, hoping to finally find some peace, and this park is packed! With the quarantine lifted, I was hoping for everyone to stop worrying so I could feel something else. For the past 6 weeks all I’ve felt is endless anxiety, fear, hatred, and bitterness. People were incapable of feeling anything else. So, here I am, walking in this park on a lovely evening, wanting to just breathe, watch the sunset, hear the crickets, and think and feel absolutely nothing. But these people had to ruin that as well.

This woman in leggings with the Karen hairdo and the little yappy dog. Just listen to her bragging about how she never ran out of supplies. Ah, she must be one of the hoarders. I’ll bet she has a year’s supply of toilet paper and hand sanitizer. And she’s whining about something on social media. Oh, shut up. I’ll walk faster so I can pass you up. Now I’m seething and can’t think straight. God, how can she stand to feel like this all the time? And I’m getting some strange sense of confidence and satisfaction from all of this whining. Oh, I need to peel these emotions off and burn them. Oh, how I long for the ability to feel nothing!

I can see her words. I can see her emotions. They look like a coat made of thick, brown slime. I’m peeling it off and throwing it out a window. It’s floating away now. It’s floating far, far away. Her words of ignorance are getting smaller and smaller. All is well. Now I’ll just see myself in a large pool of cool, crisp water, washing away any remaining residue. Swimming to the other side where I might find the nothingness that I seek.

This part of the path is much better. No one in this section. I’ll slow down and enjoy it a bit. Maybe I’ll sit on that bench over there. Listen to the crickets and frogs. There’s a house nearby. I see a light on. The sadness is just overwhelming in this spot. Why do I feel like crying? Why does the air feel so heavy over here?  

Here comes a jogger. A woman. All perky in her spandex. Skinny. Ipods in her ears. At least she’s jogging. I won’t have to endure her for too long. Wow, there’s quite a bit of energy coming from her. I’ve never felt so much confidence. She feels like she can do anything. Is that how the skinnies stay so thin?

Now that she’s gone the sadness has returned. The window is lit up on the second floor. Obviously, a bedroom. They need comfort. Whomever you are, don’t give up. Don’t let it get to you. Do you need a friend? A shoulder to cry on? I see myself in your room, although I have no idea what it looks like, just a sense of size and intimacy. And it’s a woman. And she’s on the bed. I’m quite certain she’s crying. I see myself just gently touching her back. And I’m pushing some general love into her. That’s better. That’s what she needed. No words, just some love. I think she stopped crying. Still sad, but not quite so severe. That feels much better.  

I don’t want to sit here anymore. I’m so restless. I’ll keep moving. No wonder. This guy walking quickly on the left. He’ll pass me by, but he’s so nervous. I’m not going to turn around. I can feel that he’s middle aged and in the midst of some crisis. He’s worried about something. Trying to feel better. Oh, I can’t deal with this one. It’s so intense! Hurry up! Just walk by me so I can get away from you. I’ll have to slow down. He’s almost here. How can he stand this? He’s going to have a heart attack one day. Or possibly a stroke. Here he is. Expensive fitness gear and shoes. Gray hair dyed brown. Expensive watch or maybe a Fitbit. He’s got money, but he has no peace. I can’t concentrate on this one. I can’t fight it! Once he’s far enough away I can carry on. It’s like swimming in electricity.

I see it in my mind. Wild, jagged blue lines of energy. Looks like something from Tesla’s laboratory. I’m pushing them away from my body. Now I’m forcing them to stay in one place. Now here’s comes a massive down pour of baking soda. And the baking soda has absorbed or trapped the electricity. Now there’s a great vacuum hose sucking up the baking soda. Every last drop is being sucked away. Every last remnant of electricity is being pulled into the remaining granules of baking soda and far away from me. The vacuum hose has left. It took the last of the baking soda. Oh yes, that’s much better.

Might as well walk. I feel like my body needs a bit of exercise. I need to get that heart pumping with the feel-good type of energy. Too many people out here trying to socialize. Why can’t they go to a bar or restaurant? This should be for people needing exercise or walking dogs, and that’s it. 

I should really live in a more remote area where I won’t feel everyone all the time. If I lived in a more remote area, I could maybe feel nothing. All I want is to feel nothing. That does sound like something worthy of Heideggerian philosophy, but in reality, it won’t happen. Too many familial responsibilities. I need to stay here. Maybe one day I can retire to the country somewhere. Just a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Just me, the crickets, and the frogs.  

Oh, here comes two huge dogs! They’re adorable! Two retrievers, a blonde one and a brown one. And some female human too. She’s annoyed. Not a dog person for sure. Yuck, she probably has a cat. Young too. Walking dogs for money no doubt. Or it’s a chore she’s begrudgingly doing. Can’t tell which. But who care, the labs are so happy. And yes, I will stop and pet you both and make over how beautiful they are. The girl couldn’t be more than 20. Auburn hair and a pretty face. But she wants to be somewhere else. She doesn’t care for the dogs. Giving me that “I’m just trying to be polite, but I wish you’d go away smile.” So, I will. Let her finish her “chore” of being in the presence of happy dogs.  

Such lack of direction. No satisfaction at all. She wants to leave her home. Leave town. Be independent. Well, what young person doesn’t want that? A lot of nervous energy coming from her. It’s bouncing all over the place. She needs something to focus on so there can be calm.  

I can see a white room. It’s square. There’re rubber balls bouncing everywhere. They’re all in bright colors. They’re out of control. And the worst part is that I can feel them hitting me. Oh no, this has to stop right now. In my mind, I hold out my arms, and I yell “Stop!” They stop moving, but they stay hovering in the air. “Move to that corner.” The balls obey. “Turn to lead,” I tell them in my most authoritative voice. And they instantly transform into lead and fall to the ground with a loud “CLUNK!” Yes, we’re almost there. I visualize a trap door sliding to the side, and away the lead balls go. They will fall to an earthen ground, some place I will not wonder about. And they will stay still and out of my site. I see the trap door close, its seams dissolve, and all that is left is blissful peace. A nice, empty room, with some pure, indeterminable source of light. It sings with numbness.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I do believe that girl is smiling now.

I haven’t finished my lap yet. I’m feeling very good right now. I’ll keep walking.  

Some of the people are leaving now. That’s good to see. I’m feeling better now that I see fewer cars in the parking lot. 

Oh, wait. What’s this feeling? It feels very dark. Sinister. Evil. I feel like I need to hurt someone. Someone hurt me. Humiliated me. Oh, she’s going to pay for that. What am I saying? Where is this crap coming from? The parking lot. The evil is coming from the parking lot. But there is love and gaiety nearby. She’s the one who will pay. Her and that handsome young man she’s hanging on to. Clearly, they’re in love. She has no idea that she’s in danger. Perhaps her boyfriend can protect her. No. He’s sensitive and gentle. I don’t think he knows how to fight. He would protect her in a heartbeat, but I don’t think he will succeed.  

The anticipation is killing me. Between that psycho’s hostility and her clueless lovestruck heart, I feel as if I’m being torn in two. They need protection. I wouldn’t be of much use. Someone strong and energetic. Clear the mind. Can I find that? I can’t call the police and tell them I sense evil. They’ll think I’m crazy. 

Something very strong is behind me. Yes, he’s healthy. I sense something positive coming from him. He’s pretty far back. Sitting on a bench. I can’t just go up to him and tell him to hang around this couple just in case. Perhaps, if I just focus on him…

I can just make out the center of his forehead. He’s not noticing me at all. Not yet. If I let go of the focus, I can feel something very much alive in the center of my brain. And I’m focusing on that feeling. I see it glowing. There’s a beam of light radiating from the center of my forehead, and now it’s projecting outwards. I’m directing it to the center of his forehead. My sense of danger is being channeled down the length of the light beam and is being fed into the center of his brain. Now I’m becoming lost in the entry point of his head. He’s looking up. Good. Now come over here. I’ll just turn and look at the cute couple. Hopefully, he’ll do the same.  

Oh no, who’s that guy? Yes, I think he’s the evil one. He’s approaching the couple. I see light reflected. Is that a knife? Now I feel their fear. Yeah, pull her behind you so you can get killed first.  

What the… Oh, it’s athletic guy. He can certainly run fast. And there goes evil guy. Yeah, he knows not to mess with this one. Oh good, he knows karate. He actually knocked that knife out of the guys hands while kicking him in the gut. Yes! Down he goes. So that karate stuff is for real and not just for the movies. I knew athletic guy could handle this. So lovestruck girl is crying. The new boyfriend is holding her. Athletic guy has wrestled evil guy to the ground. Looks like someone called the cops. And I hear athletic guy saying, “I don’t know, I just had a feeling these two were in danger.” I guess I’m getting better at this.

Well, I think that’s quite enough excitement for one night. Clearly, I’m not going to find nothingness here. Time to go home.