Moving On

“Moving on is never easy , but must be done. “ I gulp for air choking back the tears trying to escape from my eyes. “Family, friends, loved ones we are here today to celebrate the life of my father Kolby Lane.” I can’t say one more word. The pastor shakes my hand and I step back getting lost in the crowd. 

The Covid-19 pandemic has been over for two years now, but the effects are everywhere. Masks haven’t been mandatory since last January but there’s still a couple random people wearing them. I look around to see all the people that have been in my dads life over his fifty -six years on earth, thankful none of them are wearing a mask here. Seeing all their quivering lips and straight faces helps me feel more normal. I am so much more appreciative now of people and what they add to any situation. 

“Now if Kolby’s children and wife would step forward.” I look up just releasing I have been starring at the sea of people since I stopped talking. My two brothers, mom and I all join hands and take a step forward. “Place your flowers on the casket.” I gave mine to Alex, my little brother, who gave me his biggest smile. He barley understands what’s going on. He was born right before the pandemic, so all of this feels weird to him. Big groups, no mask all this is uncharted territory for him. He sent his and my flower down gently on the center of the casket. Charlie my older brother placed his next. Charlie’s only a sophomore in high school but the day my dad dropped dead was the day he grew up. Ever since he’s been doing more around the house taking me and my brother to school, even cooking sometimes. He’s been my mom’s support system when she’s needed it most. 

I lean over and whisper in his ear, “He’s so proud of you. I know he is.” Charlie’s face doesn’t change, but he nods his head up and down like he was agreeing with me. I don’t think his face has changed since dad died. He lays his flower down over mine and Alex’s flowers. 

Charlie leads my mom further to right next the casket. Two weeks ago my whole family was home just living their normal lives. My mom walks in the door after getting grocers and sees my dad laying on the floor. She yelled for Charlie to call 9-1-1 and told everyone to stay upstairs. I try to run down but Alex’s grabbed my hand and begged me to play legos with him. I heard the ambulance pull up and all the sudden the parents were gone and the children were home alone. Charlie’s didn’t turn 16 till the next day but he still drove us to the hospital. 

My mom didn’t talk for about three days. We all stayed in the hospital until he was pulled for life support. I was the only one who could handle the news, “Your dad has passed away due to Covid-19 complications.” My brain couldn’t comprehended what the doctor was saying. i heard all the words but they weren’t clicking. 

I was lost for words. “Covid hasn’t been a thing for years, he had it in the beginning doctors said he couldn’t get it again, I don’t understand, somethings wrong, check again.” Somewhere in my ramble I started to aggressively sob. I hit the wall and slide down to the fall. The doctor squatted to my level, “Covid-19 levels a bacteria behind after certain blood types have it. Your dad is a B positive one of the three blood types that can contract his bacteria from Covid-19. I am so sorry.” 

“Maddie.” My mom was holding out her hand to me. We both took hold of my mom’s flower and placed it on the casket. My whole family placed one hand on my dad’s final resting place. We all said our goodbyes silently. Father said some prayer and suddenly my dad lifelessly laying was six feet below. 

I can hear people’s footsteps behind me including my mom’s. She’s taking Alex to the lunch in before everyone else gets there. I can’t move. I don’t want to move. There’s so many stupid things that stupid bastard won’t be here for. My legs cave in as a I fall to the grass. Charlie’s there right as I’m about to lose all control. He holds me in a way only a big brother can hold a little sister. His hug feels like dad’s arms wrapped around me. We sit there for a long time. I am loudly crying into his shoulder feeling everything and nothing all at once. If I look up I know I would see him crying but he doesn’t want that. His way of grieving is being everything anyone needs. I pull away from Charlie. 

We both stand up at the same time, but he turns to leave first. I stare at the patch of dirt over my dad. The groundkeepers are there placing his tomb stone. They give me a nod of condolence and walk towards other patches of dirt. His tomb stone reads, “Love is holding on the memories that only the heart can see.” 

Memories is all I have left of the man who raised me. Letting go is one thing but moving on is a completely different thing. Charlie pulls up his car and flashes his headlights at me. I stand up rubbing the dirt between my fingers. “Fuck, Covid.”. I muster up the strength to get to the car.

I knew a pandemic would change my life is in a lot of different ways, but i never thought it would be affecting me after it was over. The pandemic and it’s after affects feels like a tidal wave of affects. Wave after wave they just keep coming with no end in sight. My life is forever changed by the pandemic and it will never be normal. I close my eyes and open the passenger side door. Charlie speeds away before I can even take my last look at my dad.