Someday A Real Rain Will Come

CW: Mentions of sexual violence and gun violence

“You have to make an effort. You have to try to fit in. You just have to try harder to make some friends.” 

That, and things like that, are what my parents always told me, and then they would give me my daily dose of Prozac, Xanax and Adderall and whatever else, and then I would just drift off somewhere, trying to make sense of everything. Trying to escape the dark clouds. I was confused and alone. I was always alone. I wanted to get my nose or my eyebrow pierced again. I wanted more black tattoos. I wanted to kill my father.

Still, I tried to fit in. Not to meet the expectations of my stupid parents, but more out of some internal drive to socialize with my classmates and not feel like some fucking pariah all the time. I didn’t even understand the motivation really. It was just there, somewhere inside me. I couldn’t push it down. It was stronger than me.

Since I was basically a social outcast I adopted some solitary habits out of necessity. I was a big fan of films. I gravitated towards the darker stuff that was shot on location in New York City, where I lived. Bad Lieutenant. Kids. Fort Apache The Bronx. Loved all of those. But Taxi Driver was my favorite. “Someday a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the streets.” Robert DeNiro. My favorite line in any movie ever. I remember watching that at the movie theater on West 4th Street, right after my Uncle Randy died in that car accident on the FDR Drive. I was so happy. He raped me six times.

One of my other solitary habits was cutting myself with a razor blade. I usually did it on my upper thigh. It was easy to hide there. Sometimes I would burn the back of my thigh with a fork that I would heat up with a lighter, or just on the stovetop if no one else was home. Then I would go masturbate. And then, usually, I would just go to sleep for as long as I could. I dreamed of ravens and I dreamed of rattlesnakes. I dreamed of the desert and sometimes I dreamed of dead things.

When I got my first period it happened during my 9th grade Algebra class and I was wearing some stupid light pink jeans that my mom made me wear that day because my Aunt Mary (who is a deplorable cunt) bought them for my birthday. Everyone laughed as I ran out of the classroom and there were unkind menstruation comments muttered towards me for the rest of that year. Unkind graffiti on my locker sometimes as well. That was the last day I wore clothes of any color other than black.

But still, that internal instinct to fit in was there, somewhere inside of me. I couldn’t push it down. It was stronger than me.

When Cassidy invited me to her birthday party I thought it was odd but I was also kind of excited. I knew Kevin Callister would be there. I had a crush on him ever since 7th grade. He had beautiful blue eyes and he was from Britain and I loved his accent. I put on some makeup and did my hair before I headed over there. I was uncomfortable.

“Oh hey, Katie. You were invited to this party?”

Sandra Koy was in my sixth period Science class. I always hated her but I wanted to fit in so I just smiled and nodded and walked out towards the backyard. The house was full of classmates who couldn’t give a shit about me. I noticed the stares. I always notice the stares.

Out back there were more people from my school. Most of them were drinking beer, laughing and smiling and listening to the music. I saw Kevin right away, and he saw me. He was smiling.

“What in bloody hell are you doing here? Is the drug store fresh out of tampons?” He laughed. Everyone laughed. Cassidy pointed at me. My old friend Brianna used her hand to hide her smile. We used to be close not long ago but now she was on the cheerleading team and we didn’t hang out anymore. Her smirk was the most painful betrayal of all. I just turned around and drove back home.

On Monday morning I somehow found the strength to arrive at school on time, but I was feeling jet black inside and out. When I got there the first person I saw was Cassidy. She looked at me with a scornful half-smile. I drove back home. I knew my parents were both at work. I took the revolver from my father’s dresser drawer and I checked to make sure it was loaded.

I always knew that someday a real rain will come.

Today was that day.

I was that rain.

I got into my old beaten-up Toyota and drove back to my high school. Along the way I made a quick list in my notebook. It read like this:

1. Brianna Jones
2. Kevin Callister
3. Cassidy Matthews
4. Sandra Koy
5. Mister Sanderson (my 6th period Science teacher)

The gun actually held 8 bullets but I figured I might miss once or twice and I needed to save the last one for myself. I was listening to Agnostic Front and I turned the volume up to full blast and then I lit a cigarette and gave the finger to a passing driver for no reason at all.

When I got to my school I didn't bother parking my car properly. Fuck it, right? I just left it there at the curb by the front doors and I put the gun in the pocket of my hoodie.

Classes were in session but they would let out within the next six minutes. I went into the bathroom and paced back and forth as I smoked another cigarette. I looked at the time on my iPhone and then I set the safety switch on the gun to the off position and returned it to my pocket. I looked at myself in the mirror and spit in my own face, twice, and then I walked out. I was ready to do it. I didn't care.

As soon as I exited the bathroom I walked right into Brianna. I reached into my pocket for the gun. She took a step back and her eyes dropped to floor.

“Katie…I’ve been looking for you today. I just want to say I’m sorry that I didn’t stick up for you at Cassidy’s party on Saturday. I’ve been feeling like shit ever since then. I’m really sorry. Do you maybe want to go grab a cup of coffee or some fro-yo or something? I can just cut class and we can go now if you want. I just want to talk.”

I fought back the tears that were starting to build. I let go of the gun. I tried to smile.

“Yeah sure,” I said. “My car is parked right out front. Let’s go get some coffee.”

I just couldn't push it down. That need to fit in. It was stronger than me.

THE END