Haunted.

“Another day, Bill.” The figure under the tree spoke to the air in front of him. The breeze cooled the afternoon air, but not by much. It was a hot day, but the speaker did not seem to mind. He was wearing semi-formal attire. Though this time, he settled for a T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Normally, he would wear a jacket—that jacket. From time to time, a few people would walk by glancing towards his direction, avert their eyes, then lower their heads and walk away solemnly. Not that he would notice, “Mark said hi, Jesse too. They got married, finally!… Oh, umm, I already told you that. Jeez! I’m getting old and more forgetful each day.” He combed his hair with his hand, shifted his weight on the bench, tasting his words, “At least you don’t have to see that.”

Time seemed to pass slower there. It was always quiet and in a way, timeless. The birds were nowhere to be seen. “Too bad”, he thought, for he had a bit of bread in his pocket. Bill loved birds. He thought he loved their pet birds more then he loved him. The birds were given away because…. “I need to leave him, he’s selfish and doesn’t care what’s good for me.” He uttered under his breath, “he says I shouldn’t be here anymore. He still doesn’t understand. He will never understand. How can he?” He looked into the distance, beyond the grassy hills where the sounds of the traffic could be heard faintly. For a brief moment, an image popped up in his head, him and Bill, on a road trip. To where? It didn’t matter, it could be anywhere. They were both so young and hopeful. He chuckled again. No, he could never have what he and Bill had ever again. He looked down on his hands, resenting the ring on his index finger.

Sudden grief consumed him, he was sobbing again, as if all the wounds were open and he was back in time when it happened. After all these years, he still could not help but wonder, what if? What if they didn’t have to hide? What if they settled down like they always promised each other they would? What if the cure was available sooner? He collected himself. It was not about him and his grief, it was about remembering Bill, keeping him in his heart. After all, he had made a promise. He kept on talking.

“You know I was never as good a lawyer as you were. But those dipshits just can’t seem to get their acts together, you know Jesse had to….” He gave Bill the gory details, laughing at the antics Jesse had to use in order to bribe him into helping her with the case, with a firm that had sacked Bill for “performance issues”. “ I’m glad you don’t have to work there anymore, somehow, I am!” He hung his head, the tears were threatening to come out again, so he breathed deeply and raised his head to look at the sky between the tree branches. He could see some birds were darting about and smiled to himself, “do you know them?”

“It’s not all bad, of course. I have enough money saved up. You know the trip we were talking about before…, well, I started working on it again. Just need the right partner, you know. It’s been hard. The ones that survived, they are…, they all lost someone… Paul’s there though, he’s always there. He’s… you know Paul. He’s always around. I guess I became lazy since…. Can you imagine? Me? Being lazy? You were the one that always… stayed in bed until lunch never wanted to go anywhere except for dinner and cinema. Oh, there’s this new movie about Freddie, you’d love it…” His voice broke again. In his mind, he was enjoying the movie with Bill. Bill loved cinema, he always had a lot to say about the movies they had seen together. “What would you say about this one, huh?” In the darkness of the movie theater, it has been almost too easy to pretend. He was happy for one and a half hour, imagining Bill, by his side. Then after the movie’s finished, he went to a diner, alone, reflecting. He didn’t want Paul there, but Paul found him again and joined him anyway. Paul would ask to go to movies with him all the time, but until recently, that was the one thing he reserved for Bill and himself. Paul understood that, but he just kept on asking.

“We don’t party, Paul and I.” He said absent-mindedly, “Well, you know Paul. He wouldn’t know a queen from a straight, I swear,“, he chuckled, “If we didn’t go all the way that one time, I wouldn’t think him queer. But now we are stuck together. I’m not sure when that did happen…” He looked at the ring, then stared at it some more as if trying to find some concrete answer to an unfathomable question. “I married him because we could.” A cool breeze startled him. Was it dusk already? Time did pass. He breathed, “just as I was getting comfortable”, he thought. 

The sound of the traffic had become louder gradually as the highway was no doubt choked with the commuters heading home. He pondered on the distance between him and them. It did not scare him that he felt like he belonged here more, with his deceased friend and lover underneath. Did he really survive? If he could pick who would live, would he sacrifice Paul or himself? He shivered violently as if he just saw a ghost. A chill went up to his spine. To shake it off he stood up. “I miss you, Bill.” The tombstone behind him said nothing. On it inscribed: “Bill Norton, beloved son and community leader. 1968 - 1994.”

He had come here every day when he could get out of the bed the first year since Bill succumbed. Then every other day, then every week, every other week. Now, two decades later, he came here at least once a month. “It’s just to get some fresh air,” he would say to Paul when Paul acted apprehensive, “Just to clear my head a bit.” Paul knew him better, of course. Bill was irreplaceable. When Bill had fallen sick, the two of them had worked tirelessly to raise awareness of AIDS and use their legislature know-hows to push the effort of finding a cure. When Bill’s health started to decline and then died within one year, he was crushed. He would not have been alive if not for the promise that he had made to Bill on his deathbed. “Just one more day, Luke, live for me, just one more day.”

“One more day, Bill. For you.” The sun was setting behind Bill’s tombstone, the golden ray touched the slick surface. The reflected light was lively and caressing. “I will be going now, Paul’s probably waiting.” A pause, “I love you, too.”