The Universe we Share

Eleanor

I’m staring up at the glow-in-the-dark constellation on the ceiling of my otherwise darkened room, remembering the time Casey and I painted our ceilings, identically, through FaceTime. Taylor Swift’s Cardigan plays softly through the speakers, underlying the thick, drawing feeling in my chest. The windows are closed, blinds shut, and door locked.

This, from two to three in the morning, is the unofficial stretch of time when I meditate on life, seek out answers, or let myself get lost in questions. Today’s topic, inevitably, is love. Or the lack thereof.

My phone rings, and I ignore it like I have for the past hour. I turn the music up.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan… under someone’s bed…you put me on and said I was your favourite…

I think of the day we met, Casey and I. I was a closet case mess, and she was beautiful. Lockdown had just been implemented a week ago, and through idle scrolling on Tumblr fan pages, one Harry Potter fan found another.

There were nights we’d stay awake FaceTiming till the early glow of dawn guilt-tripped us into sleep, talking about magic wands and kittens and everything in between. At one point, I started meditating on life with her, sharing my deepest thoughts about time and fate and interweaving souls. And in return, she’d share hers.

We’d talk about love, the way it feels, and how it manifests in human actions. “When you love someone, you’re willing to give up time for them.” And I had.

You drew stars around my scars… but now I'm bleeding…

The stars look dimmer above me now.

I remember the night we talked about memories.

“There’s ones that burn into your mind,” said Casey, “Those remain with you for a reason. Maybe the journey you took in order to make that memory had an impact on you. Or maybe it taught you something. Or gave you something special.

“When you create memories with another person, and when those memories adhere to both of your minds forever, you create a universe between yourselves. It is a universe you don’t put on paper or screen; it exists only within you.”

“I love the universe I have with you.” I said, heart swelling.

I could feel her smiling through the phone. “Me too.”

The air inside is constricting, or maybe it is the ache in the back of my throat that’s making it hard to breath. I open the window and look out upon the empty street, feeling the humid summer air on my cheeks. I crawl out of the window and onto the slated roof with my phone.

I look up at the sky full of stars, real ones this time; a dotted pool of black, representing a universe bigger than our imagination. But the universes that we create are larger, more dimensional.

I could build a solar system with my mind.

We could’ve built a solar system, her and I. But all we have now are a handful of stars and a broken planet. She opened the door to our universe and stepped out, leaving me to hug my knees against the wall.

I’d spent my life wondering why I was different, why the thought of broad shoulders and manly scents didn’t appeal to me like it did to other girls. Casey showed me true, raw love; that it is a deep-rooted feeling, and does not take the same form in everyone.

Then she walked out of our universe, our sacrosanct, and left me wondering whether what I feel is really love or not. It hurts to see it all turn to dust.

I hear distant howls of street dogs, alone and unaccompanied in a sleeping world. I have to capture the tranquility of the moment. I open my phone to see a dozen missed calls from Casey that I pointedly ignore, opening Instagram instead. I snap a picture where the starry sky takes up most of the scene, and post it with the caption #NocturnalLife. This is one memory I want to materialize.

I’m trying to forget the pain, the thickness in my throat. My heart feels egg-shell thin, and there’s a blank in my time that I cannot fill. In a perfect world, I’d be FaceTiming Casey now, talking about life. But the world isn’t perfect – one more thing she’s taught me now, I suppose.

Maybe what we had was love, and maybe it wasn’t. I have nothing else to compare it with. But maybe I’ll learn as I go, and feel stronger love. And I’ll carry with me what I learnt with her.

Maybe our universe will falter, and all that’ll be left will be rewritten memories. But right now, it’s still there in me, and I can feel it all again, over and over and over.

Shutting out the universe of stars, I close my eyes, surrounding myself with my own.

***

Casey

I finally block Eleanor’s number and social medias, and put my phone down, pulling the covers over my head. Clearly, an explanation isn’t welcome by her.

She wouldn’t get it anyway. She hasn’t had to face a world that bashes you for your truth, tears you down until there’s little of you left to give. I fought, God knows I did. And I could continue to, but at what cost? Fighting to death because I wish to feel alive?

I think of my life ahead, of everything I wish to achieve. An Ivy League university, a prospering career in the field on Astrophysics. A regular life with a regular family, without the added force of a cruel world working against me.

I press the play button on the speaker beside me, and Taylor Swift’s Cardigan encompasses my thoughts. I imagine Eleanor pressing play at the same time. This was our song. Is.

I’ll have her as long as I have our memories, and I’ll have everything we’ve built together. I didn’t walk out on our universe, I merely hid behind an Invisibility Cloak.

She was my best summer love, and she’s left an unmatched mark in my heart.

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss… I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs…

In a perfect world, she wouldn’t just be a summer love. But the world isn’t perfect. Sometimes, letting go is the best way to love. Will she be able to let go of the need to love me? Will I?

I wish she’d picked up. I wish I could tell her that we're both good at love - we just haven't the luck for a better world.

I close my eyes and shut the world out, shoving the regrets deep beneath the layers of my heart. Not all of us get to live our fantasies.