Disallowed excogitation .

I had never known how to describe what it was that I had felt for him. Why my heart seemed to throb whenever he was near, or why goosebumps arose on my arms at his touch. I had never known why that whenever I knew he was near, my gaze would drift too his no matter how hard I willed it not too.

And yet, I would deny and deny and deny. But what I had known, deep down, is that I liked the way it felt. The fleeting glances and “accidental” brush of arms. It made me feel, giddy? Excited. I’d look forward to second bell because that was when I knew I would see him.

On the days I knew we would cross paths I would take extra care of my hair, ensuring it was neat and tidy. I had never cared knowing that mother may scold me for the effort, it had always been confusing whenever she had. She would mutter phrases such as “pathetic” and “stupid.” But I knew, never to take notice.

For when I did see him, I felt wonderful. Almost as if I was flying, no- soaring up, up away into our own little world. Away from sneers, jests and forbidden prospects. I couldn’t quite put a word to what I was feeling, but I did know that I never wanted this to end.

However; It got more complicated as the years went by; peoples expression became solemn, faces paling from what they once were. It frightened us. It made an eerie feeling arise in my stomach. I’ll never forget the day I found out. Mother had sat me down and sternly told me that she from hear on forbade me from speaking to him. I was distraught- and what she told me next, has stuck with me since; “Emotions are prohibited, more importantly- love.”

Love. I’d never heard such a word. Apparently, an adjective, I felt distaste itching in my throat just at the word itself. Now uncertain, what I had once thought to be a wonderous thing, suddenly seemed- sinful. Wrong. And so I had agreed. I’d learnt  to fall into line, what to say, how to act- more so who I had to be. I had known not to smile, not to frown- not to grimace. I became obsessed with the perfectionism of the cause, wanting to make mother proud. I had stopped speaking to him, the boy, for I suddenly felt propelled to be a proper, respectful girl.

And so just that I was. Mother found me a match the day after my 18^th birthday- and we wed just weeks later. The wedding was dull, the food was bland and assured that I felt nothing when he took my hand. Repetition of ‘I do’ chorused in my mind, I said my line. Our partnership was good for only one thing, Mother had told me factually. Too procreate. Now that, I had not known how to do.

The act, as it was called was unfathomable, albeit quick. Though afterwards, I always felt sickly. He would just grab me, move me, take me then be done with me. He didn’t even speak to me. It seemed nobody spoke to each other nowadays.

I’ll always recall the week after the wedding day, I had been walking single file, and two people in front of me were 2 girls, looking around 14. And they were chatting, improperly, and they wore this expression, their mouths stretched- orbs gleaming. I couldn’t look away, others just starred on, as usual, but I couldn’t help but let myself slip back to when I was with, him. Not him I was married to, the other guy. I hadn’t seen him since that faithful day and suddenly, the familiar ache in my chest arose; and I wanted so badly to see him.

Then a crack, and 2 simultaneous pops, and the two girls ahead, fell forwards onto their porcelain faces- a scarlet liquid coating them as the pops continued. And the noise they had once been creating, came to a halt. And a permanent one. I flinched slightly at the sound, my knees nearly buckling, but after years of practice, I kept myself composed. But for once, in the years since Mother taught me the ways- a new feeling erupted within me. One I was unsure I would be able to hide behind my carefully sculpted mask.

There was nothing to be done, there was no point in trying. Anyone who ever dared disobey the system of disallowed excogitation was met with a harsh fate. The gunshots were familiar now, and those who were adherent to the system didn’t bat an eye.

After some year, though time was a mystery now, in fact forbade, a group of what were known as rebels began to what was referred to as protest- and speak out to the laws of the system DE, most were popped within days, forced to stand in front of all the adherents and be executed, this was supposed to make the rebels submit. But it only fuelled their fire.

People of the system were advised to stay indoors until all was handled, but I felt an itch within me, one that I needed to scratch. So once and for all, I did the one thing you KNEW you should not do. And I disobeyed.

I only took an apple with me, not wanting to arise suspicion, and I took off. I was weary at first, awaiting the sound of the pop behind me- but nothing came. It seemed there were more important things at matter then one mere adherent falling out of line. And so, I walked. I went north. That was where it was rumoured, they had been, having overheard some daring enough to even talk about it discussing during system reminder, and kept it in my thoughts.

It felt like I was walking for centuries, the bottom of my house shoes scuffed- the toes rotting away, and I heard noises. Talking, lively talking. I felt my pace fasten, beside my legs aching so, and there- ahead of me. Were people. Not many people, around 20 or 30. And their mouths were stretched, there eyes gleaming- some had water pouring out of them. And I could not help but feel a pull, and so I approached.

An elder gentlemen spoke to me, his mouth twisted in that peculiar way- and I couldn’t help but copy the expression, and it all came flooding back to me. Before the system, before the forbade- I felt…. WONDERFUL! They easily welcomed me to join after a few moments and questions, I assumed they were as cautious as I was about being sought out.

We sat and we talked for hours and hours- and it was unlike anything I had ever felt since I was a young girl.

Then suddenly- there was cheering, and someone walking up the way I had done previous hours ago, and their smile (so I learnt the word) was different. The ache in my chest became apparent – and I felt my mouth stretch from ear to ear.  His auburn hair- and dark blue eyes, of those features I had never forgot. I had tried, but they were always there inside my head, I stood, and he my he, saw me, and I knew he knew it too.

And as the smile that mirrored mine grew as he came closer, my stomach fluttered – my face grew hot. He held out his hands. I took them in mine, everything felt surreal. He leaned closer, and I felt my heart stop.

And then…

POP.