From Books to Sunshine

November 9, 2018

Dear Diary,

If life was simple, how would one know the true satisfaction of what luxuries lay ahead of them? Three years ago, it hit me, where am I and what am I doing with my life? What is the point to this all? These are the questions I would always ask myself, but would come up with a blank when I tried to find the answers to them. I was sitting in my dark dungeon of a room, haunted by the memories of my past and the constant dread of homework, essays and assignments stacked up in a pile on my desk. One of the professor’s I had, mentioned once, that on exam day, we all behaved like we were cattle, crammed down a hallway and into selected areas, trying to regurgitate information that was drilled into our heads from the months before. It seemed normal at first, everyone had been doing it for years with no questions, we were raised this way from such a young age to follow the same pattern over and over. Going to school, learning information, then writing tests and exams, only getting a few breaks between each session. Even myself, although trying to rebel, always seemed to follow rules and do what I was told, not wanting to cause conflict or make things harder for myself.

Today was different though, everything I learnt in school, all the money I had spent listening to individuals preach their life’s work, it all seemed irrelevant to this feeling I have had in my heart for some time. I wanted to run away from it all, saying “peace out I’m never coming back,” but finishing what I started seemed to be the responsible thing to do, the “normal” thing to do. I planned out my schedule and met with my advisor, putting everything in place to graduate in the summer. Time. Time fell away, day after day, hour after hour, assignment after assignment, but then that was it. I was done. No more spending hours regurgitating information or wondering where the large intestine of a fetal pig was. It was like everything in my body was determined, to conquer my next adventure in the world. But that was just it… what was my next adventure? I had spent so long trying to reach a destination that never seemed to end, and now it was just all over with nothing lined up for my future.  

Days passed and the determination feelings faded. Everything around me seemed to blur into a peaceful state of being, but the longing in my heart, I didn’t know what to do with it. I wanted so bad to help others, to show them love and understanding, but I was so sick and tired of doing what I was told, being just another helper, just another cog in the system. What was I supposed to do? Every day I would see someone struggling, whether it be someone looking around them, afraid of being judged by people’s stares, listening to conversations around me of people making crude remarks at other’s actions or personality. I was so sick of it. Mind you, sure, I wasn’t always miss “kind-hearted” and understanding, everyone struggles at some point in their life. People tend to say and act the way they do out of the awareness that they have. You never know if someone was abused as a child, so all they know is to recite the same things, do the same actions, over and over, until something happens that makes them stop and think. I guess that’s what graduating made me do, after years of knowledge and experience, one thing I didn’t do was reflect. Looking back and reflecting now, it is so obvious that awareness is so important through any life adventure one has undelved into.

I woke up one morning to the sunshine blaring down on me, feeling the heat of the sun and watching as ravens called out to each other, heading towards the ocean. Everything around me was beautiful, maybe it always was. It was like seeing the world for the first time, yet it was the same place I had been for a few years. Every warm sensation from the sun’s rays, the cool breeze running through my hair, and the brilliant colours all around me, everything just seemed so much more beautiful now, than it once was.

That’s when it clicked, it didn’t matter what I did, where I was or what was going on around me. What mattered was that I just needed to open my mind to the beauty in the world around me, instead of burying my head in textbooks and notebooks. Every kind word I had spoken, every gesture I made to hold open the door for another fellow human, I was already doing the things I loved right under my own nose. I was living from my own heart this whole time, I didn’t need some silly degree to tell me who I was as a person, or some acknowledgement that I did something to support myself. I was already being my kind self, no matter where I was, no matter what the circumstances were. It was just a matter of perspective changing from focusing on something so challenging that nothing else mattered, to opening my mind and admiring everything all at once. Opening my eyes to how beautiful the world has always been, noticing everything as a coercive system that intertwines together yet has its own individual parts, contributing to the beauty of life. Everything will keep changing, yet nothing has truly every changed. The only difference between the past, present and future, is the way in which I allow myself to look at everything around me, with grace and ease, instead of such a heavy demeanor.

Being so determined to finish what I thought was a huge chapter in my life, rushing and not truly enjoying what I was doing, it was really a big learning experience. A realization for the first time that things are so much better than you realize, you just have to be willing to look.