Unconscious Awakening

*TW-Mild mentions of mental health and substance abuse*

What does it take to put the color back into a world where it seems to have been drained? How do you put vitality into a seemingly bleak life? What it takes is an epiphany - a breakthrough to shift one's perception and realize that it wasn't always this way, and it doesn't have to be. All it takes is an awakening. Not only of the individual, but the depths of consciousness itself.

“Ralphie, wake up! "Rafael!” She called and called again, but to no avail. There's no point in getting up other than to stop her nagging. “He's still up there? "What time is it?” his dad inquired. “I don't know, do you want to go get him?” said his mother, concerned for her son. Why does he have to make a big deal over what time I get up? It'll only be another empty day wasted anyway. Before he could stand up from his recliner, a young man in his early twenties with hair up to his shoulders came down and headed for the door. “Oh no sir, where are you going? "Why didn't you answer your mother when she called?” Well I'm here now, what's his problem? “I'm going out” he says, avoiding his father's questions and his mother's eyes. “Mijo why not come sit and eat with us? "I never see your face anymore.” His father chimes in. “Yeah, especially with that hair of yours, if you won't cut it at least brush it greñas. “Ay, you better not be hanging with those thugs out there again”. “They're my friends,” Rafael said. "They're delinquents, and I won't let my son be affiliated with those punks.” Well at least they give me something in life. “I gave you this life and I won't have you ruin it over wanting to look cool”. Yeah, to be cool, what would you know about cool? My life was ruined the day I gained consciousness and had to deal with you anyway, so just save your breath before it's your last.

I didn't care what my dad thought, he should be glad I was doing something at all. He always had something to say about me, while my mom stood to watch it unfold with her tired eyes. She worried about me, but what else could she do? She tried, but it was futile; therapy was a waste of time. I was a waste of time. Time went by like an endless loop of dread, with my only escape from my dull meaningless life was found through various substances because, why get a prescription when you got dope off the street? What else could I do? Nothing. There was nothing else I could do, no one else I could trust, nowhere else to go other than where I knew best.

I found comfort in my dreadfully dull life; the devil made my bed. Now it's time to lie in it, right? But at least I was in control of the colorless chaos that I called living, though finding a reason to continue doing so grew harder and harder. Until I turned the corner into the place I knew all too well.

My parents weren't wrong about my “friends”. They were delinquents, but I didn't care. They were more family than what I got at home. “Hey Ralphie!” Martin called out, “I told you not to call me that” I replied. “I'm messing with you man chill” he said with a smirk, "I'm not in the mood for this Martin, just give me my shit already”. “She's a feisty one, huh?” Santi teased, “hey I know something that will cheer you up” he says as he throws a small bag over to me. “It’s something special I saved for you, it'll change you”. I hesitated, “I don't know about this”. Santi sucked his teeth. “Don't worry, man, you worry too much, that's your problem and this will fix it. "Just take it,” he insisted. His crooked tobacco-stained teeth were exposed as his face contorted into a sinister smile, one with no good intentions behind it. I walked off, not knowing what I was about to get myself into as I started making my way to my escape. On the way, all I could think about was my parents, sitting wondering where I was and what I was doing. Both thought the same thing: “Where did we go wrong with that boy?”

My dad's words echoed in my head. Where did they go wrong with me? I can't stand him, I can't stand any of this. If this stuff kills me, then maybe my dad will regret it all. Maybe my mom wouldn't have to worry anymore, even if it was all too late. I didn't care. There's no doubt in my mind whether I would take it now. There's no going back. I take a seat on a bench in the abandoned park that was once full of joy. Now it stands alone with the colors faded like the memories we had here. I sit, and I stare at the bag, now in my hand. It wasn't pot, no. This was different. But how different could it be? It doesn't matter, because in a moment I'll be sent to paradise where I can escape this hell. God, if only I knew what I was about to endure.

The evening was like any other; get the stuff, find a spot, roll up, light up, inhale, exhale, and now we shut off and wait to ascend. Except one thing was different this time. I was out, and then I fell. The world seemed to distort as I sank into the depths of what I can only describe as truly descending into madness as colors filled my vision like I was falling through a hellish kaleidoscope. Sounds warped and voices overlapped as I delved further until it grew grayer. The vivid died and all that was left was a fog. I wasn't falling anymore. Unintelligible whispers filled the humid musty air as I arose to my feet, only to be met by an empty space. Where am I? God, it really did kill me, didn't it?

Maybe I hadn’t thought this through as much as I thought I did. I’m afraid, paralyzed. Then I hear it. My mother’s voice. It surrounds me as my head starts to spin, seemingly growing closer by the second. “Don't worry Ralphie, I'm here”, it says as the haze starts to take form, molding itself into a humanoid entity with no distinct features. It comes to me, opening itself up to me as if to try and embrace me. I started to panic. “You’re no mother of mine, get away!” I managed to yell out, screaming at this thing to leave. I thought it would just kill me right then and there, but it stops in its tracks. I’m shaking, staring at this thing until it shifts again, and then I see her. My mom, looking at me with tears in her eyes. What did I just do? It’s just me and her now. The whispers stopped. All that was left was her stifled sobs. “I just want you to be happy. "I never meant to fail you Ralphie,” she says, her voice quivering. Then another sound. It was another voice, my father’s. “What happened to you son, I miss you, come back to us”. His voice wasn’t the nagging and condescending tone I was used to, it was different. It was genuine. Mom…dad, I'm sorry, truly sorry. They would never know it now, would they? It’s too late, isn’t it?

I stood there, their words still playing in my mind, their grievances prevalent in their eyes; the sight of them bringing tears to mine. But before they could stream down my face, my parents were no longer there, just the haze. It comes to me, but I let it. I'm not afraid of it anymore. It is growing brighter as the light seems to cut through the fog now. But before I could fall into it, something pulled me away; something pulled me further down. I tried to reach out for my parents, but there was nothing to grab, frantically trying to hang on to something, but it was too late. It’s pitch black here, all alone again. Was I in limbo? It was the only way for me to describe this place. I didn’t know where I was going, it was all so unpredictable. It’s all in God’s hands now. But why was I here? Before I could rack my brain for an explanation, they came again, but they were different here. The entities weren’t the creepy shadows people like before. No, they were beautiful, like angels. However, here, the whispers weren’t from my parents' voices, but my friends. Their voices overlapped; I could make out their laughter and mentions of me. I wondered what they would be saying about me? “He's so oblivious, what do you think will happen to him?” “Hell, if I care, he’ll probably fall off his rocker sooner or later." It's not like he was sane anyway”. No, that couldn’t be. They wouldn’t do that to me…would they? I wouldn't have to dwell on the thought for long before it was very clear that they absolutely would, and they did just that. The voices grew louder and more hostile the longer I stood there listening. What do I do about this? Where do I go from here? What could I do to rewind the clock and heal what I hurt? I see now where I went wrong. I see now why I am here - I see now that this wasn't the fault of my parents, it wasn’t the fault of the people I associated myself with. It was all my fault. I pushed away the people who cared about me, demonizing them in my mind; I put myself in the loop of seeking short escapes, glorifying those who didn’t give with good intent but those who only wanted to see me fail. I can't give them what they want. With this revelation, I need to change. It's never too late. All of a sudden - I woke up.

I gasp, the cold air stings my nose as it fills my lungs, my eyes are blurry, and my head is foggy. Everything is bright. I thought I died, but I feel more alive than ever. I snapped out of it, I scrambled for my phone in my pocket. What time was it? It had only been a few minutes, but it felt like I spent eons transcending among the various planes of my own mind. My parents, I needed to go to them now, they needed me. I took off sprinting home, wanting nothing more than to be met with my mother's embrace, wanting nothing more than to hear my dad complain about me again, but I didn't care. I wanted nothing more but to appreciate what I was too blind to see before. I wanted nothing more but my family. My true family.

I arrive home, standing at the door now. I hesitate to turn the knob, but I know that I can’t run from it anymore. I refuse to. Opening the door, passing the threshold to be met with the familiar sound of my dad watching TV, and my mom in the kitchen about to set the table. I'm really here. I'm really home. My mom turned to greet me. “I'm about to serve dinner, but it'll be here when you want to eat, OK?” I walked over to the counter and caught my mother's eyes for the first time for God knows how long. “Would you like me to put the forks on the table for you, mom?”. That one simple question was all it took to wash away her pain, as her tired eyes finally lit up again. “That would be lovely mijo, thank you” “Finally learned your lesson, huh?” said my dad as he took his place at the table, I didn't ignore his questions anymore. “I believe I have dad, hey do you know where a good barber shop is?” His face was priceless, he looked at my mom puzzled, not sure if I was being sarcastic or not, but she just smiled as she set our plates down and grabbed our hands to pray. “Ralphie, would you like to say grace while you’re here?” I would be honored. I bow my head and close my eyes.

“Dear God, thank you for providing us with this meal and bringing us together at this moment. I ask for your forgiveness and guidance to a fuller, happier life. I am grateful to this family and may your grace bring me to a state of wholeness. Thank you, Father, for opening my eyes and helping me find my awakening.”

“Amen.”