Accidental Enema

It was another Thursday night at O’Sullivan’s Pub where Tom and Jerry had been meeting for about a year after becoming friends. Both lived in the same neighborhood, which was just a couple of miles away. The pub hosted two pool clubs – one on Tuesday and the other on Thursday.

Tom and Jerry had just finished a successful round of eight-ball and were bringing the night to an end with one last pint while discussing how the night had played out. The previous week had ended with Jerry accidentally cracking the shaft of his pool cue and Tom had volunteered to fix it for the following week. Jerry agreed to it but also had purchased a new one during the week.

Earlier in the evening, Tom handed over the fixed pool cue to Jerry. Jerry slipped it into his case that included his new one. During the first game, Jerry pulled out his old pool cue and took a killer shot at the break – cracking his pool cue again. Only this time it shattered and splintered sending shards of wood across the table.

They laughed about it while they sipped their final pint. No harm.

The conversation then turned to the upcoming wedding anniversary of Jerry’s parents, which was scheduled for the following Saturday. It was their fiftieth anniversary. Tom was invited so he asked if he could do anything to help with the setup, since the party was at Jerry’s house.

 Jerry contemplated Tom’s offer and proceeded to tell Tom about needing tables, chairs, and some things done around the house.

Tom responded, “I have a handful of folding tables with about twenty folding chairs. Would that be enough?”

“I’m not sure. We’ll likely need more chairs, but the tables should work. Thanks, man.”

“Yeah, no problem. What else you need?” Tom inquired.

“Well, my wife wants a tree cut down. You know, the one by the back corner of the house. It’s mostly dead and an eyesore.”

“Yeah, I know the one. That’s easy to take down.”

Jerry acted surprised, “You can take it down? I mean it seems like a delicate cut, since it’s so close to the house and the neighbor’s house.”

“Nonsense,” Tom returned. “I’ve cut down many a tree at our camp. Let’s do it this Saturday and I’ll bring over the tables and chairs.”

“Okay, say around tennish?”

“I’ll be there.”

With that they gulped down the last of their pints and headed home.

That Saturday morning, Jerry stood looking at his tree wondering how Tom was going to cut it down. Shortly thereafter, Tom rolled into the driveway. He jumped out of his truck, grabbed his chainsaw, and headed toward Jerry.

Jerry kicked off the conversation, “How you going to do this?”

“Well, I think we should drop it in your backyard that way there’s no chance of it hitting your neighbor’s house.”

“What about my house?”

“I’m going to drop it straight back to avoid the corner.”

“You know what you’re doing, right?”

“Yeah, no worries.”

Tom fired up the chainsaw and notched the tree – only Jerry questioned it immediately.

“Isn’t the notch on the wrong side?”

“Hey, this is how we do it at camp.”

“Oookay.”

Jerry was sure it was notched on the wrong side, but he was paralyzed by what was happening. Tom had cut into the opposite side of the notch before Jerry knew what had happened. The tree swayed as Tom pulled the saw back.

“We need to push it,” suggested Tom. “Help me push it.”

“Push it? Are you sure? This doesn’t seem safe. Don’t you have a rope or something?”

“C’mon push.”

They pushed from the notched side. The tree began to cooperate and fall to Jerry’s backyard, but it quickly twisted and fell diagonally clipping the corner of Jerry’s house. It ripped off the corner of the roof pulling down the gutter and landed on the corner of the concrete patio breaking a large chunk of the concrete.

“Um, what the hell was that?” Jerry begged.

“Dang. Sorry bro. That didn’t go right.”

“Ya think?”

They spent the rest of the morning and all afternoon cleaning up the tree and re-attaching the gutter. Jerry cut up the tree while Tom re-attached the gutter – after volunteering to do so.

On the following Thursday, as they sat around after their pool match, they agreed to get together on Saturday morning to set up Jerry’s backyard in preparation for the party. The party was scheduled for four o’clock with the cake and food being delivered at three thirty.

On Saturday, Tom showed up with the tables and chairs and they began setting them up – along with other chairs Jerry had borrowed from his parent’s church. The were expecting around forty people. They set up Tom’s tables at the back of the patio for the cake and food – and used all the church tables and chairs for the guests.

As they covered the tables with disposable party tablecloths, Tom crawled under the one table he brought and said, “You’ll need to watch this table. The one leg needs to be set just right or it collapses.”

“Perfect,” Jerry replied sarcastically.

“It’s fine, I checked it. What else you need before I go?”

“Well, since you asked. I forgot to call a plumber about the bidet.”

“The bidet? You have a bidet?”

“Yeah, my wife thinks she’s French I guess and is convinced it’s a great idea, but I’ve never used it – I’m half afraid. It’s in the downstairs bathroom. Anyway, the water isn’t coming out strong enough to reach…well, you know.”

“Oh, that’s easy. I’ll have a look.”

“Maybe we should just shut it down for the party. Wrap it with police tape or something.”

“Nonsense, I got this.”

Jerry went off to set up the tiki torches around the patio and Tom went off to fix the bidet. Several minutes later they met up in the driveway, as Tom was loading his truck.

Jerry asked, “Did you get it fixed?”

“Sure did. It’ll be fine.”

“No doubt.”

A couple of hours later the caterer showed up and so did the cake. Jerry and his wife assisted with the food and cake placement. The cake was three-tiered and weighed some thirty pounds. Just as they had everything in place, Tom and his wife showed up. The wives were busy getting all the remaining decorations in place while Tom and Jerry grabbed a beer and discussed their morning.

“Did you test the bidet?” Jerry asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

“So, you didn’t? It needs tested or shut off. C’mon man.”

“Dude, it’s fine.”

“I’m going to test it.”

Jerry walked off to test the bidet that he’d never used. During his absence, guests began to arrive. Tom played host, temporarily.

Jerry returned in different clothes and blurted out, “What the hell, bro?”

“What happened to you?”

“Um, I got wet – dumbass.”

“How was it though?”

“Well, if you like an accidental enema, it’s great. There’s way too much water pressure. You need to turn it off.”

Tom replied trying to hold in a laugh, “I’ll get it in a second.”

They were interrupted by numerous guests arriving and carrying gifts. Tom never did shut off the bidet. The party was going without a hitch for most of the evening. That is, until it was time for the ceremonial cutting of the cake.

Jerry had just made a heartfelt speech about his parents and asked them to join him by the cake table for a picture and to cut the cake. Jerry’s dad was the first to arrive and that’s when things went drastically wrong. His dad tripped over the concrete that had been broken earlier in the day and started to fall forward into the cake table. Jerry reached out but his dad had already bumped the table. He stabilized himself, but when he pushed down on the table to get himself up the table leg gave way. The cake slid down the table and he fell to his side and slightly forward landing flat on the cake. It was a classic face-plant. There was dead silence.

Tom rushed over and helped Jerry lift his dad from the cake. Jerry’s dad turned and faced the crowd. He had cake from the top of his head to his belt and the cake was destroyed.

Jerry’s dad began to smile letting everyone know he was okay and then he raised his arms, as if to say, “Get a picture of this would’ya.” That broke the silence, and everyone began to laugh.

Jerry turned to his wife, “Where’s my mom?”                                                                                                                

She replied matter of fact, “Oh, she’s in the bathroom. She wanted to try out the bidet.”

Jerry turned to Tom, “You did shut it off, didn’t you?”

“Oops.”

Jerry ran toward the house screaming, “Nooooooooo!”