St. Christopher(still)

You may have heard rumors that St. Christopher was demoted and lost his sainthood; nothing could be further from the truth. That St. Christopher medal in your glove compartment is still valid. In 1969 the Church decided there were too many saints with feast days (there are over 10,000 saints), so they updated the calendar. Unfortunately, St. Christopher lost his feast day so that St. James the Greater could shine that day. (James may have been a bit jealous due to the fact that so many non-Catholics have St. Chris medals in their cars.) James being one of the apostles may be part of the reason the Church gave James the nod. Christopher wasn’t the only saint ousted from 25 July; St. Euphrasia, St. Cugat del Valles, St. Maria del Carmen Salles Barangueras, St. Olympiad of Constantinople, St Manericus, St Beatus, and St. Bantu (all of Trier), St. Fagildo of Santiago, St. Mordreyen, St Nissen of Wexford, St Felix and St. Florentius (both of Furcona), St. Ebrulfus, and St. Paul of Palestine also got the boot from 25 July. St. Mordreyen was said to have taken it the hardest. Like most decisions of the church there are loopholes and caveats that allow for 25 July to remain a feast day for any of the above (I am sure there is a St. Felix and Florentius festival in Furcona every year, no matter what the “Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy” says). So on 25 July, if you want to celebrate St. Christopher or anyone else on this list, feel free.

So why was Christopher treated so shamefully? Why would anyone want to downgrade one of the most popular saints in the world? There were rumors circulating that Christopher may not have actually been a man. According to an Irish passion, Christopher wasn’t a man but a dog-faced monster. A German bishop shared the story that he was a giant. Both accounts indicated that he ate human flesh. Nothing concrete was ever produced about the cannibalism charge, and as to his being five cubits tall, that isn’t beyond the realm of possibility. Giant or monster, it seems a little prejudicial that Christopher loses his feast day while St. George of dragon-killing fame got to keep his. Apparently interacting with dragons is not a disqualifier, but you can’t be considered if you are a giant or a monster. While these doubts may have cost him a feast day, they didn’t get him kicked completely off the team. The millions of St Christopher medals in circulation made it a bit too hard to un-saint him.

These depictions tell us two things about Christopher; his was very tall and he was unattractive.. There is one other thing we know about him - he was ambitious. To gain some experience he worked briefly for the king of Canaan. This was just a steppingstone to Christopher’s real goal. Christopher wanted to work in the “big leagues.” His goal was to work for the most powerful king in the world. Having gained some experience, he turned in his notice and went to work for the top monarch of the time.

Things went well in the new job, his boss liked him, he had a fairly good benefits package, and the future looked bright. During a staff meeting someone brought up the devil. At the mere mention of the devil, the king crossed himself. It was explained to Christopher that the king crossed himself because he was afraid of the devil. This is where Christopher’s critical thinking skills came into play. He reasoned that if there is someone the king fears, the king couldn’t possibly be the most powerful in the world. With that, he quit (without the customary two weeks) and went in search of the devil.

The devil was easier to find in those days. Beelzebub and his marauders (great band name) were making their way across the countryside. Marauding was big business back then and was enjoying rapid expansion. When the devil saw Christopher’s resume and his physical attributes, he hired him on the spot. He could see that Christopher had talents that would make him a good fit for the team.

Christopher had a natural gift for marauding. He got on well with his co-workers, and everywhere they went people gave the devil his due. Christopher seemed to have finally found the perfect job. As often happens, just when everything seemed to be moving in a positive direction, something happened to change his career trajectory. As the team was traveling, Christopher noticed that the devil was taking a circuitous route. When Christopher asked one of his colleagues about the itinerary, he learned the change in route was to avoid passing a cross (the devil had a horror of crosses).Christopher’s illusions regarding the devil’s power were shattered. Obviously, the devil wasn’t the most powerful being in the world. Christopher tried to put it out of his mind and concentrate on his work (he really liked marauding), but in the end, Christopher had to stay true to his vision. Christopher reluctantly turned in his two-week notice and obtained a letter of reference. The devil was sad to see him go but what could he do, free will.

After these disappointments, Christopher continued to focus on the end in mind. The goal had always been to work for the most powerful in the world, so that must be the owner of the crosses. Christopher went to search out the owner to lobby for a position in their organization. In his search for the owner of the crosses, he was referred to a hermit named Dave for an initial interview.

Dave explained that the cross was the logo for Christ, sometimes called the King of Kings. Christopher like the sound of “King of Kings’ and instantly felt the synergy of the CEO being named Christ and his name being Christopher. He inquired what kind of jobs might be available in the organization (he hoped there was an opening in the marauding division). Dave explained there was no marauding in this organization. The fastest growing sectors in the industry were in the hermit and monastic divisions. Dave provided the job descriptions which included fasting, praying and, depending on the workgroup, sleeping in caves. Christopher was fine with the cave part, but fasting would cause too much fluctuation in his blood sugar. Likewise, prayer was not in his wheelhouse. His skill set was less geared to intellectual work and more aligned with a production environment.

Christopher suggested that maybe he could go into cross manufacturing, but Dave felt that underutilized Christopher’s skills. Looking though his list of openings Dave found a position that had long been vacant. There was a river which a number of clients needed to cross but the current was treacherous. Bridge building was expensive, time consuming and not an exact science in those days. They were toying with other solutions when Christopher walked in. It occurred to Dave that a man with Christopher’s size and strength might just carry folks across the river, as opposed to people swimming and drowning.

Christopher was not initially pleased with this prospect. Given his qualifications and experience, he had envisioned a more senior position. (Truth be told he was still disappointed there were no marauding openings). Hermit Dave was able to persuade him that this was a golden opportunity. He was joining Christianity at the perfect moment, while it was still a start-up. Within this growth market, who knew how far anyone could go? There was even talk of IPOs and stock options.

Christopher sensed this may be his last chance to reach his dream. He accepted the offer and entered into the orientation program. Since he was not entering the monastic or hermetic divisions his was an abbreviated training. Dave ensured he understood the fundamental organizational chart without doing the deep dive into the trinity required by the monastic division. He covered the employee handbook, including the non-compete clause about worshiping other gods. Christopher did give a little pushback on the celibacy rule since this was not a leadership position, but in the end he signed the contract. Christopher relocated to the riverbank and began his new position.

From day one everything went swimmingly (intentional pun, could not resist). His immediate success should put some of those vicious rumors to rest. Do you imagine anyone would sign up to be carried across a raging river by a dog-face monster with cannibalistic tendencies?

Although Christopher had never had a client-facing position before and he seemed to have a knack for customer service. He enjoyed the client interaction, and he was exceeding his quality metric (no one drowning) by twenty percent. Soon his reputation spread. At one point a competitor, knowing of Christopher’s objection to the celibacy clause, sent a few “virgins” as a way to recruit him for their organization. The strategy backfired. Christopher was so engaged as an employee he ended up referring the women to Dave for placement. They all got work in the convent division.

One day an infant with very advanced vocabulary skills came to the riverbank requesting services. Christopher had transported many unaccompanied minors before, but this one seemed a bit young. Finding no age restrictions in the procedures manual, Chris accepted the commission. As they proceeded across the river the baby grew heavier and heavier. It seemed that his perfect performance rating was about to be impacted. Chris struggled, but maintained his focus, and finally delivered the infant to the opposite bank. It turned out that baby was actually Jesus Christ, being a secret shopper. (Christ liked to see first-hand that clients’ needs were being met.) Christ was extremely impressed with Christopher and gave him his highest designation, Holy Helper. In the history of the organization only fourteen employees ever achieved that distinction.

As with all industries, when the market got saturated competition became fierce. Christopher was a particular target because of his dominance in the niche consumer-based market of river-crossers. Many attempts were made to poach him from the company. He resisted every attempt until finally the only option was to undermine the transportation division of Christ’s organization. The best means was to eliminate the supply chain, i.e., Christopher. Several attempts were made before the competition finally beheaded Christoper (there were few regulations restricting competitive market practices).

For his loyal and excellent service and the added award of martyrdom, Christopher was instantly made a saint. A few grumbled about favoritism, but most agreed it was well deserved. Given the number of times he beat projections, his customer satisfaction scores, the Holy Helper award and now martyrdom, it seemed an unnecessary formality to follow the usual protocol for promotion.

With this promotion came a lot more responsibility. Christopher not only got patronage of travelers, but his other assignments include athletics, bachelors, surfing, storms, Brunswick, St. Kitts (Christopher’s nickname), Island of Rab (wherever that is), epilepsy, gardeners, and toothaches. With surfing now an Olympic sport, Chris is busier than ever, which is just the way he likes it.