21 st October.
Here I am again, 2.32am, I have been lying restless in my hated bed since 11.30pm. This happens every night, night after night, I cannot find the words to describe how tired and drained I am. My eyes burn from within, my head throbs continually and my body aches all over. I toss and I turn, fidgeting and agitated yet sleep alludes me night after night. I am struggling for coherent thoughts, starting to become confused about what is real and what is not. Yet sleep eludes me, it will not come. The minute I close my eyes the thoughts start. I cannot escape them, swirling around in my mind like a deep, dark pool that never ends. I live my life in a haze, present but not really present. Having no sleep means leaving me with no peace, the thoughts torturing me with their constant taunts.
12.02am I have tried to rest today, to have a quiet day to see if a quiet mind will follow when I try to sleep. It`s dark, blackest dark, pitch dark both around me and inside me. Will I ever get any peace? I am restless and agitated. My body twitches and itches, I rub my skin raw but I can’t rub my pain away, I can’t rub the thoughts away.
4.56am Another fitful night, I have given up trying. I can’t clear my mind, I can’t get any peace. I saw a psychiatrist today. I told her, I told her I couldn’t sleep, haven’t been able to sleep since …since so long now. She gave me some advice, she told me to focus my mind on a flower, to think of its soft petals, the shape, the size, the texture, the smell, its leaves and stem. It didn’t help; the memory of the heady scent of the white Lilly’s made me shudder and sick to my stomach. The thoughts hadn’t stopped, they don’t ever stop, but they are worse at night, in the silence, in the dark.
11.45pm I hate my bed, hate, hate, hate like I have never felt before in my life. I want to take a knife and stab my mattress hundreds of times, to vent out my frustration, my anger, my pain, my thoughts. Even if I could do it, I wouldn’t have the energy, I have nothing left. The thoughts have taken everything, my future, my hopes, my life. I barely make it through the day, I am in a constant state of inward turmoil, the world around me barely exists. I saw my face in the mirror today, I studied my face. I was shocked to see the shell of me that I have become. My eyes are hollow and haunted, they tell that they have seen and felt things that someone my age shouldn’t have. The shadows beneath them are so dark, making my eyes look somewhat evil. The lines around my eyes have aged me beyond my years. I look so much older now. My skin tone is different now, I peered closely touching it with my fingers. It has a grey pallor, like the walking dead. I look hollow and gaunt. I almost don’t recognise my own face. What happened to the man who had the world at his feet? The bright, happy man without a care in the world. What have I done?
3.24am Why? Why? Why? Why is this happening? Why can’t I get any peace from these thoughts? Why can’t I switch them off? Enough time has passed now, I should be able to move on, the memories should not be so vivid, so bright still. Such a contrast from the darkness inside. I am seeing the psychiatrist again tomorrow. I need to ask her how to stop the thoughts playing over and over. She should know otherwise what is the point in her? All those years training wasted if she can’t give answers, if she can’t help me. She tells me I don’t open up to her, that I don’t communicate with her enough, well tomorrow she will get her wish. I will tell her how I feel, I will ask her to help me take the thoughts from my mind.
1.42pm. The psychiatrist told me, to get rid of thoughts from your mind you have to acknowledge the thought, breath through the thought, imaging the thought gently leaving the body then grasp a new thought. Four hours of doing just that I can categorically say that it doesn’t work. In fact it is now much worse. The action of acknowledging the thought seems to enhance it and make me focus on it even more. Now I am swimming against the tide, drowning in the pain, drowning in the darkness. My mind can’t stop thinking about that night, if I could go back and change things I would do anything.
I should have walked away; I should have taken the time to calm down. Her endless taunts, the way she laughed at me. She knew just what to say, how to get at me, how to cut me deep inside. Even when I picked up the knife she still didn’t stop. “Go on then” she laughed “You are not man enough, that` s why I am unfaithful to you, I need a real man”. Those words will haunt me to my grave. Everything suddenly went into slow motion, I heard a ringing in my ears and my body felt like it wasn’t part of me like I had no control over it. I don’t even remember stabbing her. I just remember her lying on the kitchen floor with blood all over her white blouse. “No” I shouted “No, No, No!” I ran out of the house feeling lightheaded and nauseous. The neighbour found me sobbing in the garden, my clothing splattered in blood, she called the police and an ambulance but it was too late, too late for us both.
So now my punishment is to be forever in this hateful bed, in this prison cell, reliving that day continuously on a loop. No peace, no sleep, just darkness.