Why Not Me

There is nothing special about me. I can’t sing or dance, or draw, or paint or do anything really. I’m not wildly beautiful or smart or good at sports. I don’t have many friends or any special talents either. I’m okay with that though. At least I think I'm okay with that. I don’t have to be any of those things to be special. Right? For people to love me? And hey if not, there is always room for improvement? Or at least that's I thought. I was sure of it, but I guess it's different when "SHE" exists. You’re always hearing someone talk about “HER”. How just “out of this world” she is and how there’s always something new with her. “She’s so amazing”, “Did you hear about what she did last week” ,“I’m so proud of her, she's going to do great things when she grows up”. Blah. Blah. Blah. I get it she’s the daughter you’ve always wanted, The valedictorian every high school dreams they had, The success story everyone wants, The person everyone wants to be friends with. She is everything I’m not and it sucks to be constantly reminded of not being good enough. Of not being “HER”.

 She’s my best friend though. Someone that I love very dearly, and hate just as much. I’m just so tired of always being compared to her. Being belittled to show appreciation for her. “Why can’t you be more like her” ,“Try harder so that you can succeed like she has”, “Do better like her” Jesus I get it. Just become her.

When she got into the honors program, I tried to do the same by working extra hard in school and never missing an assignment or missing school unless it was absolutely necessary. When I didn’t get in by 4th grade I realized that I just wasn’t going to get in so I slowed down on the all hard work I put in. I started misbehaving in school when I realized nobody really cared about what happened to me in my life. They really just wanted someone to compare to her. Someone lesser than. I still had to work hard to be successful because of my internalized fear of failure. Just so I could have at least someone proud of me. Deciding at the ripe age of 8 that I was going to be a lawyer so that I could make a ton of money and be smart and lovable. That was my goal up until the summer of last year. Then as quarantine came around I realized that I wanted to become an astrophysicist; hopeing that maybe that will get more attention out of people but i’m only met with an “oh that’s cool” and a look that says “yeah like you could make it” and I hate it. So. Fucking. Much. Just knowing that I can’t be her and have people believe in me like they do her.

It really hit me that I wasn’t good enough for people to like me as much as her in 8th grade. We had our end of the year ceremony and almost everyone was getting an award. Everyone but me. I thought I would at least get one for my English class but the day before, when I wasn’t at school, my friend asked my English teacher if I was getting an award and she looked at her with a “come on now” look. She was my favorite teacher and that was my best subject. All year she told me that I was an amazing writer and such a smart kid and that I would do great things. she just lied to me. I wasn’t even good enough for a stupid paper award. That hurt pretty bad. And there I was, yet again going home with nothing for anybody to be proud of. Knowing that if "SHE" were there, she would have gotten every single award you were able to get and more because that’s just who she is. She’s otherworldly.

I still talk to her and see her whenever I can. I mean she is my best friend. But I just wish that’s all she was. My best friend. Not my competition. I shouldn’t have to compete against my own family for my family's love and attention. I hate myself for not being her. She’s the family favorite. Everyone always wants to meet her and buy her things for her just because she’s there. Giving them the time of day. She gets compared to the ways she’s like the rest of our family and I get described as the “problematic child”. “She’s smart like her dad”, “She’s so much like her grandparents” and I get compliments on nothing but my facial features. At least it’s something though right? Can I just want to be acknowledged for the things I worked hard on, not the things I was born with and can’t change?

I went to visit her recently and I was excited to see her because I haven’t seen her in 3 years. Then almost like clockwork, everyone started bragging about her to each other. Even though we all already know everything there is to know about her, it's like she still has to be the topic of conversation just in case we missed something. Always looking at her or talking to her and seeing what she’s doing when she’s not talking or interacting with them. But when I look to my family for a little attention; A little love just for reassurance that they still care, I get called “selfish” because they "haven’t seen her in years and now she’s here" But even when she isn't there I'm never a top priority. Never a second thought. I’m “old enough to take care of myself” but yet I'm still a child in need of her mothers love. I only wish someone cared about me the way they care about her. Loved me the way they love her. Seen me the way they see her. Knew me like they know her.

We went to a restaurant while we visited her and I just say across from her and noticed how she was laughing and eating with her dad and the rest of the family in ways I never could and I just couldn’t help thinking how amazing she truly must be because no matter how hard I try, i’m just never good enough for them, not smart or pretty and talented enough for them. Seeming to always forget that I exist when she’s around unless I acknowledge them first, otherwise not knowing that I am there. I just wish that I were her so that I can finally be good enough. Finally, be….. Special.