Her future without 'us'

I was suddenly woken up by a continuous ringing that echoed through my room. I sat up in the bed with haste, feeling my heart beat very fast. I wiped my face with the sleeve of my pyjama top and then proceeded to remove all the hair that got stuck to it.

I looked around the room. It was dark. The tightly shut curtains didn’t allow any sun rays through, making it difficult to guess what time it was. I lazily located the clock which stood on a dresser in front of me. It was 7:00am. I didn’t remember setting the alarm for that time.

The room felt different without Ruby in it. Cold and deprived of colour. Normally she would still be laying in bed, and would snuggle up to me when I wanted to get up. But today, the only thing I saw was her stuff that still lay around the room the way she had left them the day before. I stared at the clothes for a while and recalled her refusal to stay the night, saying she’d talk to me today. I still felt uneasy about it. She never refused my offers before, not to say that she was passive. She wanted to stay and it was visible, but yesterday it wasn’t.

I got up from the bed and went up to the dresser to get some clothes, picking her own clothes up on the way. Just as I was about to place them on the chair beside the dresser, I noticed that my phone was flashing. I put the clothes back on the ground and picked the phone up. It was a missed call notification - two from Ruby. I felt my heart sink. She wanted to talk and I didn’t pick up. What if she thought I didn’t want to talk to her at all? What if she didn’t call back soon?

I sighed and looked at the wallpaper on my phone. A feeling of worry came over me that I couldn’t explain. The photo showed her standing in front of a cherry blossom, a shadow falling over her face. She was holding a glass of wine in her hand, her head tilted, her beautiful honey curls falling to one side. She was wearing a white loose-fitting dress and that beautiful, honest smile. I remembered exactly when it was taken. It was a summer’s day, a barbecue in our friend’s garden.

I went into our messages and saw she still hadn't seen my latest texts. I sighed and tried to tell myself it was alright but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I put my phone back on the dresser and as I was moving away it rang. I grabbed it as quickly as I had put it down and answered the call.

‘Hey’ Ruby said and sniffled.

‘Are you ok? Were you crying?’

‘No, no. I stayed at my mother’s last night and you know how she loves flowers’ she said and giggled.

‘Oh okay’ I answered, and forced a giggle. I really wanted to believe her, but it was more difficult than it seems. A silence fell between us. I could hear her heavy breathing through the phone.

‘Poppy we need to talk’ she said suddenly. My heart leapt with fear and I felt a lump in my throat.

‘Did... did I do something wrong? Yesterday you didn’t want to- ‘

‘No... Poppy.’ she said and sniffled again, then faked a cough. ‘Meet me at the park. Now. Please’  

‘Why not here?’

‘I need fresh air. The flowers are really giving me hell’ 

‘But, I haven’t even showered yet today. You’ll have to wait a bit, it would really just be quicker if-’ 

‘Poppy, please.' She insisted. I could hear her voice slowly breaking. ‘I need to talk to you.’ There was another silence.

‘Fine. I’ll be there in an hour.’ I finally said. She didn’t add anything else and just hung up.

* 

When I arrived at the park I saw Ruby standing by one of the trees, leaning her head against the trunk with her eyes closed. She was dressed in a long white jacket, white lace tights and pink heels. It seemed like she had been waiting a while because the snow had created a little hat on her head.

‘Hey darling’ I said. She opened her eyes slowly and looked at me as if she didn’t recognize me. Her eyes were red. ‘How many times have I told you not to sleep in public. You’ll get robbed’ I added and gave her a kiss. She kissed me back, her pink lips, cold like ice. 

‘I won’t get robbed’ she said with a giggle. Her voice was small, as if she hadn’t spoken for an hour. 

‘So, what did you want to talk about?’ I asked hesitantly. I waited for a reply, but none came. She grabbed my hand and started walking.

‘It’s so cold’ she said and hugged my arm. ‘Standing for so long may not have been the best idea.’ She shook her head causing some snow to fall off her hair. 

‘How long have you been waiting?’ I asked and stopped walking.

‘Since the call’ she said in a small voice and looked at me with her big hazel eyes.

‘Are you crazy?’ 

‘I’m sorry, but you know where my house is. I thought you’d already be up and ready to go.’ I grabbed her hand, it was freezing.

‘We have to go to a café or something. You need to-.’

‘No’ she cut me short with a stern note in her voice and took her hand away.

‘Okay then.’ I said slowly and we resumed walking. The last thing I needed was a fight.

All around us, beds of snow lay peacefully. The stillness of everything made it seem like we were the only ones in the world. Not a bird nor person could be heard. Just occasional sounds of the little rushing river to our left. Apart from that, silence. Silence everywhere.

‘Remember when we were little, and we used to run around here?’ she asked, suddenly pulling me back to reality. I looked around. Long fields stretched out in every direction, full of different trees, plants and flowers.

‘Yeah. The hot summers of those years. I’ve never been so sunburnt in my life’ I said and laughed. She laughed too and caught my hand again. ‘And the terrible nettles. Remember how my legs looked?’ She laughed again. Her eyes glimmered and her face brightened. I loved it when she laughed, all my worries disappearing at once. 

‘I wasn’t any better. Remember when I sat on a bunch of them? Oh god, I couldn’t sit for a day’ she said, and we began laughing again. ‘I’d give anything to be a child again.’ A cloud of gloom passed over her face. ‘The only worries you have are sunburns and nettle stings but even those don’t matter to you that much. You just keep on playing’ 

‘What are you saying?’ I asked and squeezed her hand gently.

‘Am I wrong? When you grow up, everything goes to shit.’ 

‘You’re right but why are you saying it now?’ She turned to look ahead as if she could see an answer there on the winding path. I couldn’t help but look ahead too. A path leading nowhere.

‘Being a grown up is difficult’ she said at last, not looking at me. I didn’t ask any more questions. The more I asked, the more she locked herself away in her own little world. We just carried on walking in silence.

‘This way’ she added suddenly and pulled me into a grassy area where someone had made a path. She walked in front of me, holding onto my hand as if making sure I was still there.

‘Where are you taking me?’ I asked, pulling my hand away. She stopped and turned to me, her eyes filled with determination.

‘Please, just follow me’ she whispered. I nodded, and we walked on until we reached an abandoned house that stood at the end of the field. No one had lived there since both of us were kids and so no one ever trimmed the grass. The path was created by people who wandered here. People like us.

We went in through the back door and made our way to the balcony on the second floor. Ruby went up to the worn out banister and I stood in the door, anxious to hear what she was going to say.

‘Being a grown up is difficult’ she finally said. ‘You have to make decisions you don’t want to. Decisions that might change your life, that will change your life. As a child you have it easy, because your parents will make those hard decisions for you and you never have to be the guilty one’ her voice broke down a little at that last sentence, and she looked down. Tears were trickling down her face.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked walking up to her side at the banister, trying my best not to look directly at her. I knew I would start crying if I did. Instead, I looked dead ahead. From here I could see the path we just walked down and the park beyond. All covered in snow.

‘Poppy’ she said suddenly. I turned to her. ‘I love you so much’ she added and kissed me passionately, I was taken by surprise, but I kissed her back. Her soft lips wet from crying. 

‘I love you too’ I said when our lips parted. ‘But I know this isn’t what you dragged me out here for.’ She sighed a heavy sigh, as if the whole world’s suffering rested entirely within her heart,

‘I-’ she began and turned away. ‘I got accepted to Kyoto University.’. My heart sank. No, it shattered to a million pieces. It physically hurt me. ‘I sent the papers two months ago and-’

‘How long have you known?’ I interrupted her. 

‘Since Monday’ she said. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed. I was angry and all I could think about was shouting myself hoarse, but I knew that wouldn’t help.

‘Why are you telling me only now?’ I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

‘Do you think it was easy to decide?’

‘You decided the moment you applied.’ I said, my voice sounding more stern than I intended it to sound. Tears began to fall down her red cheeks again. I could feel tears brimming in my own eyes. ‘When are you leaving?’ I asked after a while. 

‘Tomorrow evening’

‘Tomorrow? So you already have it all planned out?’

‘I’m sorry, Poppy’

‘I thought I meant a little more to you than that!’ I yelled, my voice not sounding like mine anymore. She moved away, visibly scared. 

‘It’s for our future.’ she whispered. 

‘No. It’s for your future Ruby. You chose your own future and left me out of it.’ I said and felt tears fall down my cheeks. She looked away.

‘If that's what you want to think’ 

‘What I want to think? My girlfriend is going away to Kyoto, different country, different time zone. How the hell would you feel?’ 

‘You’re being accepted to your dream university and your girlfriend is trying to guilt you into staying. How the hell would you feel?’ she asked and went back into the house, leaving me alone on the balcony.