The last station.

     My eyes woke me up in the morning. How, they open up and my day starts. Extraordinary things, this eyes. They know when to open and when to close. What if they didn't make it tomorrow? What if they decide to keep shut. Will I be able to wake up then? The chances of it actually  happening seems very much likely now. I was having these thoughts regularly. I wonder about the death more than life. It was because , the fact that I spent 6 and a half decades on this earth and i was just tired of it. Or, I was just generally upset that one day I might have gone and the world is not going to stop.

The morning are the hardest in this time of year. Winter is in its peak. I felt  a shiver in my fingers. May be because of my arthritis or because of the cold. Who can tell at this stage. I start my morning by  morning prayers. Lately i prayed for nothing in general. Just remember God and thank him for this life.

But today, i prayed for something. I prayed for my children to visit me. Because its end of a christmas ,and they have holiday till new year.

 I want to meet my son Vihaan and my grandson Ram. I missed them most around holidays. Because that's when we spent much time together. I had all of our pictures from previous years holidays up on the walls. These were the happy memories.

I had some old photos of mine on the frame too. I saw so much life in me or may be just because I was young and had dreams in my eyes. 

 The day after christmas and I was waiting for my son and his family to come visit me. I stop living with them after Ram got in high school. I find myself living in my old home, our first house we bought together , me and my late husband. I miss him. After his demise, I was a complete wreck job. We were married for 45 years and I never imagined my life without him in it. For a long time I was devastated and angry at him. For leaving me. what I'm supposed to do know, I often asked myself.

  Now, i remembered only good times. That's what someone death do to you. After some time you didnt feel their presence but you find joy  in thinking about them.

 He always said to me

‘Cherish all these happy moments together Kanna. You are not going to get them all the time’ he always looked at me with such admiration.

 In early years I sat in the corner quietly, i want to do something but i don't know anything that I can do efficiently to turn into a job. I am an illiterate. I don't know how to read or write. In our time back then girls did the household chores and then get married and did all the same work in their husbands' homes. So when I got offered a job in english highschool,sweeping floors i took it without any second thoughts.

Turns out I did that for all my life and it's finally paying off. I don't care about the salary because my husband's pension plans covered most of my rations,but I cared about the life that I see around me every day.

 I saw children studying everyday, I felt their anxiety in corridor in exams. High Schoolers speaks in english most of the time, which were alien language for me. But I like the sound of it.

  The principal Mrs. Naya Agarwal living in my neighbourhood and she offered me that job. I didn't know what she was when I first met her in the temple. She gave me prasad, and we started talking and from then we often met there. She was like a daughter i never had. 

I prepared my lunch , and sat on the comfy chair which I bought from my first salary. All of these were still strange to me. Un illiterate working on a temple of literacy. What an irony. But that's what life is.

I worked in school for 4 years now. They give me a uniform to put on. I felt like someone who belonged there. I generally swept the ground floor because my joint hurts when I take the stairs. And I was so afraid to take an elevator. Modern technology is not my cup of tea and i m ok with that. I have a mobile phone but i don't know how to use it, only when someone calls me i know how to answer. And that's it.

All staff and students eagerly waited for christmas holidays but I was kind of off about it. Because I don't want to spend my birthday at the end of December alone. I wish that my family with me. I mean is that so much to ask for. I had a feeling that they would come.But they didn't. Apparently my daughter in law was working till new year and so, she couldn't  gave permission to the rest of them to visit me.

 But i got a call from my grandson Ram, he wished me happy birthday. He called me old gold and sweetest cake. I love his phrase, he was with his friends and girlfriend i guess. After 5 minutes he hangs up.

65 years, i thought;what have I seen so far. Is this life even relevant. I spent all of my life for others. I build relations brick by brick and at the end I think what matters is the relationship with myself. Somehow the idea of loving myself seems selfish. Why? I don't know the exact answer. I heard one should be kind and helpful. One should be understandable about other people's feelings. But that doesn't mean that one should not love themselves.

 What a confusable mind i thought. I gave up the idea of what I should be doing next year mainly. I grew up doing things what my husbands desired or my children wants. I quite enjoyed that. All those gives me satisfaction somehow. But now, what's the point of making resolutions anyway. I think the biggest one is whether I will be able to open my eyes in the next morning.  I think one should stop thinking about the future when the first thought they can think is what if this is my last day on earth?

 Time passing everyday but when you are old it felt like the sand sliding not only through your arms but  from your mind too. You thought by holding on to sand on your hand you will get another second, another minute or day ot two. But what about the mind? How could someone hold the sand slipping through their  mind.

   I slept early on my birthday night. I had so many random thoughts about my life. I had a dream that i'm on a train and im getting close to my final station. My organs are failing me slowly. My ear can't hear the outside world and my eyesight was gradually get blurred. My stomach starts churning and starting to tremble. My legs are like stones i can't take a step even i want to jump out on the next station.  My heart decided to stop pumping. It said to my mind that it's tired. So my blood were to stop running to the veins. It getting condense in different area. And then finally my mind give up. I try to look outside through the window and in hindsight I knew I didn't even reached the final destination. I was dead before my time comes. Before the train stops.

  I woke up painting. I felt the pain in my heart and every inch of my body. 

 I go outside, its cold, needle piercing cold but I was sweating so the cold gives me some relief. I looked up and saw the raw stars. Without the city light i can point out some bright stars in the night sky. It was therapeutic for me to look up and wonder. I decided something in my mind that night.

 I don't want to give up. The horrible feeling that being dead before my time comes shakes me through my core. I want to live everyday from now on to the fullest. I want to love myself even though it seems selfish.

 I want to do my new year resolution. I want to plan my next year. Even if is my last year i don't want to waste my time worrying and regretting it.

 I didn't leave my house on new year. I stayed in and do a little change around the corner. I remove all of my photo frames and put up on my bedroom wall. So i get free wall to make new memories.something woke up in me on the other night and I start to appreciate life ,as it is.

The schools are open from 2nd of january. I was so excited to be back on my job. I'm actually proud of myself right now. I want to meet colleagues of  mine. But mostly i want to meet our principal. She gave me this job ,so that I could be around people and not felt left out and I never properly thanked her. So one of my resolutions is to thank her as soon as i get there.

On school days, I woke up early. I bought flowers that day. I just want to smell them. It's not like i forgot the smell, but I want to experience it more.i was determined that if we smell flowers at different ages may be we find different fragrances in them. I entered the main gate of the school, I was early. No one was there so I went into our changing room.  I put on my uniform and started sweeping, I cleaned the ground floor and assembly ground. I like the idea of assembly and morning prayers. I believe that when we pray on groups our positive energy increases and god heard us more efficiently. We unite as one on those wholy words and the life within us is magnified.

 I usually attend morning prayer .After that I don't understand what they say in english. Today when they finished. Our principal came into the podium. Of course she was giving the new year speech. She always encouraged students for more learning. Using 100% of school resources. But that day something unexpected happened.

 After her speech she addressed me, to come up to the stage. First i can't believe my ears, my name, from her; on stage in front of all the students and teachers. I was stunned. More of cold shiver runs through my mind. It was not fear but curiosity that I felt in my heart.  She was looking at me and doing hand gestures to come on to stage. I took steps and reach there. She announce something in english that I don't understand but one word caught up to me that was birthday. 

She was talking about my birthday. And when I stood there every student started singing in harmony happy birthday to me. My heart was full. I was overwhelmed by the feelings that I was experiencing.

 I felt the honor in this ceremony. Is this what everybody feels  when people sing happy birthday to them? It is good. Soothing good.one 6th std. girl came with small bouquet. She gave me and I give her blessings. Another group of children's lighted Diyas. And then sweets are distributed through all students and staff. This was all  so much more than I ever ask for, prayed for. 

I can't express my gratitude through words. They just frozen in my throat. But my eyes telling the whole  story. Wonderful things this tears are. They speak their own language that all of us understand.

After assembly I went to principal chamber and ask Naya about how she knows about my birthday. What she told me gives more tears in my eyes. Apparently my grandson called her and asked her if she wishes me , but she wants to do something more for me. And she did.

This incident boost my new year, new me resolution. I m so happy all the time. I don't know how i pulled it off. Basically all I did was talk to school children as much as possible with smiles. And it just happen . they filled my heart with the energy I need to get through the day.

 After a month , I met Naya, at the temple. She was just entered when i was about to leave.she wants to wait up while she prayed and then she came with a question. She told me that she was resigning from school. I was confused. Why i asked and she said her husband got promoted and they two are moving to san francisco .

I don't know where that is. She told me it is in america. I know that name i thought. I was not sure what to say. It's not like she is my daughter per se. So i stood there in silence. And then she asked me THE question. Would you come and live with us there?

My eyes try to see what my ears heard of. Is that a joke? She didn't seem kind of  one who joke about in her house of worship.she was serious. Oh my god, she was serious about this. I don't know what was happening. Suddenly i felt thrust in my throat. She gave me water and we sat on the bench. She was looking at me. 

    Naya , who always takes care of me throughout these years. She lost her mother when she was a little girl. Her father was in the army and he didn't come back home one day. She was barren her whole life.

 I saw that little girl in her eyes that day. So full of love and admiration. She really wants me to say yes for her. She told me that I can give her answer in a month. Which I happily accept, i will  think about it i said.

I was back in my home  but my mind was revolving around the house. Around my children. Around my grandson. Around everything. My husband always told me that he wants me to see the world. He always planned something for us. But then life happens and all those were just an imaginary ideas, a fairytales  at the end. 

 My grandson called me a week after that, and I told him everything. What Naya did for me in the school and the question she asked me that can change my life. He told  me he loves me whenever i m. And if i decided to go for it, he was onboard with me. This is the thing I love about young minds. They seem to accept everything. No stereotype, no hypocrisy.

 I received a call from my son after that, he was nearly yelled at me, he told me that how could i not tell him first. He was upset about i told his son instead of himself. He told me to  not moving with some stranger that I barely knows.

  He said he will going to sue her for stealing his mother from them. Then I asked him if he was able to meet me. He said yes.

 My son and his wife came the other week. I can saw the uneasiness in them. They don't want me to go. I prepared lunch for them. They talk about their children and jobs. My  son talks about their life in the city .I listen.

 After all casualties my son told me why Naya,  offered me to come with them to another country. I explained to him my relationship with her. But halfway through my daughter in law cut me, and my son was not listening to a word i'm saying .she was concerned about me, which honestly didn't seem sincere. 

 I haven't even decided anything yet and my son was completely losing it.  I tried to tell him that nothing was certain. But he wants my written consent. Cant he sees on my face that I was in  the abyss of thoughts. My brain was working for the first time in a long, long time. It wants to summarize every option. And wants to make rational decision.

 At last my son try the old manipulating method. He told  me that if i leave them he will never forgive me, and never called me again. I think that was working on me. Him never calling me, the thought provoke my motherhood from her tombstone. I don't want that. I don't want to lose him. No ,I will not go. Suddenly my mind seems to rationalised it. It was a  good decision.

 I mean what will i do there anyway, i don't speak their language. I don't consume their food. I don't know how to settle down on a land which is strange and somewhat difficult. What if i go there and I don't like it. What if my body can't bear the environment and i shrink? What if, what if, if??

I have gazzillion questions, now i was doubting everything. Every thought, every concern I have  now growing . I wanted to shut down this rollercoaster. I wanted to bury it deep in me and never wants to think about it again.

 Morning became evenings and days become week. I continued to do my job at school. I was starting to feel uneasy whenever I saw Naya. She always gives me smiles and I replied back. But somehow i felt my reply fake. Mundane smile, nothing delightful, just for casualty .why it was like im betraying her? Why i felt the guilt, like i have done her wrong.

 Next monday i was at school corridor, I was hoping to see Naya today, i will give her my answer i thought. But that day she didn't come to school. Nor the day after that, or the day after. I was growing worried that something might happen to her. Or what if she give early resign and gone before saying goodbye to  me? The later thought give me anxiety. No she will never do that. I decided to go to her house.

 I very well knew where she lived, I went with her one time. She made me tea and snakes. It was before i work on school. I rang the bell and her husband answered. He knows me well and welcome me . I went in  and saw him with quotionable eyes. He seems to understand my concerns and give me nod and went inside. Few moments later Naya appeared .She seems different. Weak ,pale. Her smile was miles away and her body covered in layers of woolen clothes. She sat with me . 

 I was still looking at her. Then she said that she was sick, for the past 5 days. She was hospitalised and came home today after doctor gave her discharge. I was angry, at her?  My eyes were in pain seeing her like that.

  I asked her why she did not inform me? And she looked at me with blank . she said she did a week ago, she called me. She said my  daughter in law answer cell phone and told her that she will convey the message to me.

 Well she never did. How could someone  be so ignorant. Didn't she understand the concept of emergency like that. But again i was thinking about the perfect world in which my whole family was living with me without  having any issues.

 I apologised to Naya. I tell her what happened and see seems to understand. I tell  her to rest as much as possible. Even in sickness i can see the curiosity in her eyes, the question she asked me was still lingering on the back of her head. She was very persuasive women i would say.

 I left her house by saying i will visit again soon. I went home and take a nap. But I weirdly fell into river of my own thoughts. I was so anxious not to see naya for a week , how I compensate when she leaves indefinitely. To another continent. Where i didnt even know indian lives there or not. I was anxious. The restlessness I conjured upon me by thinking too much. I have to do something, anything  but thinking. It would calm my nerves.

    So i did, i did packing. In some aspects. I want to go with her that was cleared in my mind that time. The most important resolution of my entire life is going to happen. I will start a new chapter of my life there.which will long or short i don't know. But what i do know is i'm moving with Naya.

 The next day I went to her and tell her my thoughts of moving with her. She wept her tears of joy. She called my grandson, Ram and notified him about me. We talked for an hour over the call. He was happy for my decision and he promised me he would come there to meet me.

I don't have to worry about all the visa and stuff. Naya took care of everything. I never sees an airport and planes was just a mirage to me. Ram came to the airport to say farewell. My son and his wife didn't . They were angry with me. But I was amazed by the fact that how little I cared about them coming or not.

 When i saw the plane on wheels and on the ground my pupils dilated faster than mariuana .I was astonished by its beauty.

 I went in and Naya tucked the seatbelt in .When we took off i panicked. Against the ground.All those thoughts were wandering in me, when someone first travel by air.But most importantly i was certain of some things. I did my duties to my husband, my children. I did what I could for them and now it's time for me to do something for myself.. 

After 2 years, I was preparing breakfast for everyone. I generally woke up early here. I go outside by myself now, every morning I took a walk for miles . I love the air is so fresh. people seem to exercise daily. Everyone wants to cheer me up at some point mostly because im elderly.

 I'm satisfied with everything i do. I even have a membership in a group of senior citizens who settled there from india. We talk about our culture, our loved one, the politics, our festivals. We go temple together, do pooja there. It's not different than back home.

 I frequently think about my husband. What we will be doing if we come here together? I can sense that if he was looking at me from above. He would be proud of me. He would say, Kanna, you fulfilled our dream. You living your life to the fullest now. And im so happy and proud of you.

A smile flow through me.

I called my son, for the first five months he didn't speak to me but now all is forgiven. My whole family will come here to visit me next month. Naya took a teaching job here. She is really a daughter to me. She called me amma now, and I let her. Its music to my ear.

Life is good.  I know my train is running at the same speed but the stations are beautiful . And  I am not afraid of my final station anymore. Because I know I fulfilled my life as much as I could and when i reach there, when I took off from my train , my husband is going to be there. To  receive me. To hug me in his embrace and we will go from there. But for now, it's time to live.