Dear Santa…

Is this how I die? What a traumatizing thought. One moment, I’m drinking cocoa in the snow and the next I’m feeling cold. It happened so fast, I couldn’t process the color of blood, and wondered if that were snow. I bled out, yet I pondered; who would’ve thought that a blade, sharp and sizable would be the end of my story? Not me.

I used to want a partner more than anything in this world. For someone like me, however, the odds were as good as a man walking on water. But growing up, I never got any attention from women. I would talk for hours with my father, asking for advice from a man that couldn’t keep a woman himself. Ironic how that worked, and even more so that one of the most ridiculous phrases to come out of his alcohol stenched lips would work for me.

“Calden, if you want a woman so bad, why don’t you pray for one this Christmas?” He’d chuckle at me. It was a joke of course, but I was desperate. Christmas was in a few hours, and no one in their right mind would date a man in a span of a few hours, or so I thought. “That’s a good idea. Maybe I will.” I took another sip as I spoke back to my father.

“Now be careful what you wish for, Caden. I’ve known Tommy for a long time now, and your old man has never had good luck by just wishing on things. Stars, coin fountains, and even prayer can’t help this man find a woman that actually wants his ass!” The bartender cackled as if the sentence was the funniest thing since comedians— but still.

Time was flying, and during our time together, he began to branch out and speak with the others who stayed out late in the establishment with us. I had other plans, however.

My feet carried me outside, and there, I felt the first flakes of snow fall onto my cold hands. I clasped them together and leant on the wall outside, praying to Santa as I would the lord himself.

Dear Santa, hello there. My name is Caden Boulevard. I’m twenty nine and I know I’m a little old to be wishing this, but maybe you could find me a Holiday honey this year. I’d appreciate it. I don’t do this often, so don’t let me down.

Although it started off as a joke, saying something simply because ‘what could I lose?’ I began to wish it would work. I lit a cigarette and began to puff smoke into the cold air. I eventually found myself whipping my head around and hoping that someone would walk up to me and offer herself tonight. I was like a little kid, waiting on Santa to bring me my gift. But I wasn’t a little kid, and I knew damn well that Santa didn’t exist. I flicked the cigarette away and opened the bar door.

“Why thank you, it’s quite cold tonight, ain’t it?” A woman’s voice cut in. I chuckled for no apparent reason, “it is.” Instead of continuing on, this woman stopped and spoke to me. Was it fate? “I’m Beth, new in town. What’s your name?”

As I continued holding the door, I responded welcomingly, “Caden, live a few blocks down from here. What’s a lady as lovely as you doing in a place like this? I’ve seen the folks here, and they don’t talk nice.” Her laugh echoed in the space we shared, luring me with its beauty.

“I know quite a few folk in there, I’m not as delicate as I look— regardless, I wanted to get some fresh air. Would you like to join me? Keep me safe?” She smiled at me and I felt the insects in my stomach trying to escape. “Uh, sure. Sure thing.”

I looked back into the restaurant and saw my old man laughing it up with everyone else. I was supposed to wait for him and drive him to my house, but I figured in this moment he could walk. “Alright, let me just tell my father I’m heading out.”

Her hand clasped my wrist, and she put a finger to her lips. “Let’s just sneak out. My daddy's in there too and I don’t want him to call me back.” I nodded, begrudgingly, but agreeing.

During our walk, I learned a lot about Miss Beth and how she was already tired of living a life in this town after a few weeks. She had a crappy ex and a histrionic life to say the least. She talked so much for both of us, I could barely get a word in, or even a thought. It was nice, having this attention. Even if she wouldn’t date me tonight, a woman still cared to speak to me. I would get lost in thought just looking at her, listening to her.

That was until she broke my thoughts. “Oh would you look at that!? Benny’s is still open this time of night! I absolutely have to grab myself a hot cocoa.” Her eyes met mine and I could see them light up. “Sure, why not?”

We broke away from the grasp that the cold held on us and made our way to the front. “Oh shoot, I left my wallet at home. Never mind it.” Her eyes met the door after leaving mine. After a moment of hesitation, I offered to buy it for her. I may never have had a girlfriend, but I had a sister who would drop hints just the same. But I didn’t mind paying for Miss Beth, because Miss Beth didn’t mind being with me. “Really!? You didn’t have to pay for me Caden, but since you did—“ she giddily shook, “I’ll have myself one small cocoa with extra marshmallows! And throw in a large for my new friend Caden!” She had this sense of play and fun that was unexplainable. I couldn’t help but be enticed by this woman.

“Why thank you, I needed this.” I responded.

We took them to go, to enjoy the outdoors as the clock was going to strike twelve soon enough and the Christmas tree wasn’t too far from the diner.

“This sight is just beautiful, don’t you think?” she asked, checking the area around her in a hasty motion. I felt her shimmy closer and touch arms with me. “Thanks for coming.”

My heart filled, even threatening to skip a beat. “My pleasure, thank you for asking me. You know, I would’ve spent Christmas alone had you not shown up.”

“Really now?” She asked next, turning her head back to me and smiling as warmly as a toasty fire. “Of course. My father would’ve went home and slept on the couch and I would’ve been home watching TV until I crashed too. So far, this is the best Christmas I’ve ever had.” Her grip tightened on me as she locked eyes with me. “For real? I-I probably would’ve been home on my own too. It gets real lonely around here when all you can count on is yourself.”

I got lost in her eyes, thinking about what it would feel like to take advantage of her tonight, relationship or not. These thoughts were unintentional, but spiraling nonetheless. Her touch felt like sparks on my skin.

“I don’t wanna go home.” She started. Our faces grew nearer to each other almost instinctively. I stared at her warm, red lips and soft blue eyes, waiting for them to close. Our breath intertwined in the air and rose to the sky as we got closer. “—Neither do I.”

It was for a moment, but we shared a passionate kiss in the snow. For a moment, I’d felt what it was like to have someone. This wasn’t love, but an intense lust that I couldn’t flee from. I wanted to have her more than anything. After our intimate exchange of affection, I felt it necessary to ask and get it off my chest. “Miss Beth, would you want to—“ my thumbs pointed the direction of my house. Her face showed itself as flustered, and it was happening.

The walk back was more silent, just her looking around at the view and giggling, smiling up a cute little storm. She would stop to tie her boots for a moment, and that’s when I would take another sip out of my large cocoa. It was almost finished, so I stared at the bottom of the cup as I threw it back.

Suddenly, a blunt object smacked me in the back of the head. The force wasn’t enough to knock me unconscious, but I fell into the icy snow with no energy to get back up. Voices were getting harder to interpret, and my vision was getting blurry. The adrenaline blinded the pain, so I couldn’t tell what was happening physically to my body. I feebly rolled myself over to see two figures over me.

One was frantically waving around and putting hands on the other. While the obverse figure was fighting back. I was losing my hearing. I was fighting to hold onto the only emotion I could, pure fear, to keep me conscious while I unsuccessfully crawled away for my life.

“Is this him!? You lousy bitc—“ the sound of more abuse rung in the air and screaming. And then it was my turn. The dark of the outside didn’t make my waning vision any better. “Please, please leave me alone. I’ll go—“ I plead. Without an exchange of words, what felt like a blade was plunged into my chest cavity. I thought that was it, but the heavy figure on top of me would continue to strike me several times in my upper body and neck. I couldn’t breathe.

I felt tears seeping, but could only focus on the cold, the sticky red on my skin and the trembles of fear. The figures both ran away, yet there I lied. Alone again. Maybe I should’ve listened— when he said, “be careful what you wish for.”