Riley Abel and his Incredibly Long and Ridiculous Morning

Riley Abel shuffled into his boss's office, head hung low.

“Riley! Do you know how unimaginably late you are?”

“I know, sir, but it wasn't my fault. I had a ridiculous morning,” Riley pleaded. His boss crossed his arms. “Really, what is it this time?”

“It's quite a long story, sir. I don't know if there's time…” His boss sank into his comfortable executive leather office chair, which he believed granted him status and confidence. He would often wheel it through the office to any meetings, much to the mortification of his staff. His secretary, upon seeing this ritual for the umpteenth time, debated buying him a second chair or a therapy session.

Riley saw his boss settle in, and possibly puff his chest slightly, before sighing and launching into the story of his morning.

“Right, umm… well, it began.. uh…” Riley stalled, struggling to remember where his morning didn’t begin, because nothing he was about to say was true. The truth was that Riley hadn’t felt like getting out of bed, so upon hearing his alarm clock, he promptly unplugged it and turned over, unashamed. “The.. the bed! My bed! I got up from my bed, was the first thing.” His boss's eyes narrowed. “And I felt horrible. Like, completely under the weather.”

He hunched and sniffled, regarding his boss to see if he looked convinced. His boss's eyes narrowed further.

“If you're sick, why didn't you call in sick?”

“Yes, why didn't I … because I was too sick to reach the phone! I was paralyzed from the neck down, couldn’t move a thing. That's how sick I was. Unimaginable, I tell you, don't even try.”

“And yet you’re standing here now.”

“Yup, getting there. So I'm paralyzed and can't move anything but my head. It's at this point that I think about calling you, but can't move my fingers, or arms for that matter. I'm feeling ever so guilty about this, you see. Close to tears, lying there thinking, if only I could call you to explain, everything would be okay.” He paused to catch his breath. His boss's eyes narrowed even further. At this point, his vision is basically a thin line.

“So I tried to wiggle my head to build momentum. Eventually, I managed to move myself so I was now hanging off the side, head down, and you'll never guess what I saw.”

“Enlighten me.”

“Water! All over the floor! A pool of the stuff covering my entire floor. It’s coming from the sink, the tub, the toilet even! I immediately grab the phone, my bedroom is on the third floor, mind you. Wouldn't you know it, the entire house below was submerged. I had to dunk my whole TV in rice to get it working again. But anyway, I call the plumber because clearly something has gone wrong.”

“Stop!” his boss yelled. “You were paralyzed, how did you reach the phone? You just said how you felt close to tears because you couldn’t move!”

“Yes, well, it was the shock of seeing all that water, wasn't it? Anyone would be shocked out of paralysis if they saw their bottom two floors flooded.”

“And your whole house? The entire thing was watertight?”

“Yes, yes, of course. That's how they build them these days. Caused major problems when the plumber opened the front door, let me tell you. Might even make the news tonight.”

His boss's eyes narrowed so far that Riley was now just a thin blur of light.

“Go on.”

“Ok, where was I… Right! So I called the plumber and he opens the door, gets a face full of water, and eventually told me that my beloved cat, uh… Mr. Cat, has crawled into the sink, down the drain, and got stuck!”

“Your cat crawled down a drain? I thought you were allergic.”

“Well, I am, but my late cousin from out of town left it to me in her final will. She was very specific. Said I had to have a cat and nothing else. Told me to take care of it like it was my child. I mean… she wrote that.”

“And how-”

“How did it fit down the drain, of course. Cats are very flexible. They can fit through anything those cats. That's how they make them these days. Anyway, backed-up drain caused water to overflow through every other drain in the house! Then I had to pay the plumber, they charge a fortune, and he didn't take credit, so I asked him to wait while I drove to the ATM. And while I was out, I figured I might as well stop by the vet to see if the cat had drowned or was waterlogged or something.”

“When did you have time to put your TV in rice?”

“Hmm? Oh that, um… before this. So I come back from the ATM, hand the plumber his cash and then have to wait even longer for him to get my change from his car. I'm tempted to let it go at this point, but it's seven dollars. If it was three, maybe. But seven? You'd be a fool to leave seven dollars on the table. Anyhow, I finally get changed, brush my teeth, that sort of thing. I actually do this really quickly because I'm so anxious and ready to get to work. Because, of course, I love it here. But, wouldn't you know it, as soon as I get in the car, the engine launches itself up out of the car! Fully breaks through the hood, straight up. Never seen anything like it before, might even make the news tonight.” He pauses to catch his breath, but smiles inwardly. He was being convincing, he just knew it.

“What about when you drove to the vet? What happened to the cat anyway?” His boss asks. Riley's smile falters.

“Did I say drive? I meant I took the bus.”

“And you couldn't take the bus to work because…?”

“Because… the bus doesn't come here, of course. Why would it come to the office?”

“Except it does, I take the bus every morning.”

“Ah, well, different route from my house. Completely different side of town. Couldn't be the same bus.”

“And you still haven't said anything about the cat.”

“No, I don't particularly care for them. They're alright, I guess, but I wouldn't keep one. Anyway,” Riley continued. His boss's eyes were now so narrow they’d closed completely.

“Where was I? Ah, right. The battery fully exploded out of my car, straight through the hood, and I thought, ‘Well, I can't deal with that now’ since I was already late. So I figured the fastest course of action was to walk.”

“It was your engine,” his boss interrupted.

“Sorry?”

“It was your engine, not- oh forget it. What about Uber?”

“No, I'm banned.”

“For God's sake man. Why are you banned from Uber?”

“Every time I got into a car, I yelled ‘Follow that car!' and pointed at an empty intersection. The drivers didn't find it as funny as I did.” A long, silent judgment passed over the boss's face.

“Anyhow, so I start walking, and you know I'm speedwalking because I love my job, and all of a sudden… um… rain! A storm, in fact. A massive, torrential storm opened above me! Directly above me, super localized. As though it was following me.”

At this final absurdity, his boss’s eyes snapped open. He shot out of his chair, slamming his meaty hands on the desk. “A storm? In August? In Arizona? Positioned directly above you and only you?!”

“Yes.”

“How.”

“I assume I did something to piss off the Lord. Though what that could be, I've no idea.” His boss sat back in his chair and slumped. Bags formed under his eyes. If you looked closely, you could see individual hairs turning gray.

Riley cleared his throat. “So I'm dealing with the storm, and it is just dumping buckets on me, and surprisingly, one actual bucket. It was almost nice, I could keep my head dry, but then I couldn't see. And the noise it made, hitting the metal, was just too much. You know how it is.” His boss almost nodded before realizing he had no idea what Riley was talking about.

“The rain is going on and on but I'm still walking, eager to get to work, and-”

“So why aren't you soaking wet right now?” his boss mumbled, still slumped in his beautiful executive office chair, which didn't seem to be working its usual magic today.

“As it happens, I was just getting to that. As you can see,” he gestured to the window, “a beautiful day now! Right as I get within a block of the office, the sun comes out and I dry off instantly. Then I came straight to you, sir, to explain myself, sir. Because I love my job.” His boss stares at him for a long, pained minute, weighing his options. After much internal debate, he decides not to throw Riley out the tenth-story window, as that would require more paperwork than he intended to do today.

“Okay, Riley. You're dismissed. Go to work.” he said, sitting up and giving him a ‘go-away’ wave. “And close the door on your way out.”

“You got it boss, thank you boss! Oh, and I won't be in tomorrow, I have a doctor's appointment.” Riley dashed out of the office, grinning as he shut the door behind him. His boss stood and gazed out the window. The sun beamed down on the calm, cloudless, bone-dry landscape. In the parking lot below, Riley’s car sat in its usual space. Hood closed, engine perfectly intact. The boss squinted at it. He blinked. Then blinked again.

“Reliable, my ass.” He reached for the secret Tylenol drawer with the slow, defeated motion of a man who knew it would not be enough. And from somewhere down the hall, Riley’s voice echoed, “Hey, does anyone know how to get rice out of a USB port?”