Star Wars and broken hearts.

Oh gosh! Uhhg... I inhaled a deep breath taking in the intoxicated air around us, filled with alcohol and smoke. 

 ‘thanks for coming leia’ James said putting his arm around my shoulder. 

 “yeah! Okay”I said looking forward to the view of bar and crowd of dancing drunk strangers. “James, was it necessary?”I asked.

 “yeah! I got out of med school and I won't be celebrating without my princess” James replied stating the same line he has a special copyright of since last 18 years. 

“stop being dramatic jammy, seriously are you sure you were in med school or was it theatre?”I asked playfully. 

“umm... I'll be so bad” he hummed making a thinking face and I snorted. 

 “oh, you are not that bad”I answered. 

who I was kidding, he can definitely pass as a actor, I mean with all those clothes and that jaw and hair, atleast a model. 

We made our way toward the table around the corner, where he introduced me to his few friends from med school. After highschool he suddenly decide to take medicine, I always thought he'd end up taking English literature. He was so obsessed with poetry and Tolstoy, Allen poe and Bronte, he had this verses or whatever it's called of poem learnt by heart, ‘how Shakespearean’ I used to say when James used to recite those to impress girls around. 

“do you want a drink princess?” James asked pulling me out of my thoughts.

 “chilled water ” I answered. 

He walked towards the bar, leaning his one arm against the wood and another in his pockets. His friends from uni were busy making discussion about something I can't even pronounce and I had my eyes glued to him, like he is my anchor and I'll drown in these ocean of drunk people without him. He takes the drink from the bartender, both hands full. When I see a women walk toward him, He talks to her, they exchange smiles, he's flexing his muscles, she asks something, he answers, she laughs, I can't hear them!, she's touching his arm. And he lets her be.

 Now I think it's a good thing that I am surrounded by a bunch of wannabe doctors, because the pang I felt in my chest just now could kill me, I think. 

But I am not dying today, not now. 

I promised myself to tell him that I was desperately, hopelessly and truly in love with him, when I landed into California this morning.

 I have been in love with him since all my life but the pretty realization dawned on me when I hugged him tightly and said I'll miss you jammy looking at his face for last time through my blurred vision at the JFK airport 8 years ago. He's busy talking to that girl, our drinks long forgotten. 

This is so bad.

 “his day doesn't end if he hasn't talked to you dear, trust me he loves you too”my mom's words echoed in my ears right now, the entire conversation I had with her before leaving nyc replayed in my mind.

 “how can you be so sure, and if he does then why hasn't he said anything yet?”I ask my mom.

 “he will soon confess dear, I think he just needs a push”mom said.

 “push?”I asked. 

She chuckled a bit remembering a old memory “while we were dating your dad and I, it's wasn't so serious when until one day a senior asked me on a date and your dad got insecure about losing me and proposed me”she said. 

“how Shakespearean!” I commented dryly. 

“what I'm saying is, the fear of loosing me was the push for him to step up, maybe James needs something like that”she said. 

“I don't know mom?” I confessed unsure.

 “just tell him, he's smarter that your dad” mom assured me.

 “I'll try”I said. “do it fast Leia, you're 26, I need little Ben solo's around”she said mentioning my age. 

“mom!” I scolded. 

“what? You both make a lovely couple just like Han and Leia, my Leia and james” she said making a star wars reference. 

“wasn't naming me Leia enough for you guys already?” I questioned my star wars crazed mother. 

I opened the door taking my small backpack bag moving out when I heard my mom yell

“May the force be with you”. 

I don't even remember when I gulped tequila grabbing from someone's hand waking towards the dance floor. 

It was playing some wierd hipster music I didn't knew, but alcohol got better of me, I started to drown myself in the ocean of dancing drunk strangers crowd, when I bumped into someone, I looked up and saw a Ronaldo kinda looking guy staring down at me, I smiled stupidly at him, and he had his arm around my waist, preventing my fall.

 “josh” he said,

 I told him my name, and he said it suited me. 

We danced a little,and then Josh excused himself for receiving a important call,

 suddenly a strong hand grabbed my wrist, making me turn ninety degrees. I was about to curse when I saw it was James, he gulped sighing heavily. 

‘I was looking for you leia’ his words cold and voice low. 

I smirked internally, was he angry? It looked liked he was or else he would be spinning me around like a doll on the dance floor. 

“umm.. Just got”I began when he cut me off “you're drunk?” he stated. 

“a little” I replied. 

‘let's go home’ he stated, 

and his grip tighten a little bit more. He practically dragged both of us out of the bar making our ways towards his car. 

He opened the passenger side door and asked me to take a seat.

When he entered the car he closed his door with a bang and startled me a bit. 

Was he jealous? Oh god! Was my mom right? Is this going where I think it's going. 

“James.. I.. ”I began to confess. 

“what the fuck Leia? What were you doing?” he shouts. I am taken aback from his outburst.

 “what? I was just dancing” I defend. 

“what kind off? He retorts clenching his jaw, and I swear I can prove a Pythagoras theorem using his jaw. I roll my eyes at myself because he's distracting with his jaw, and I'm letting him. I am so annoyed at him now though. 

“what the fuck is your problem?”I scream too.

 “what is my problem”he fake laughs “my problem? You're out there dancing with those men around, you don't even know what kinda of people they are”he says voice again low and growls.

 ‘enough James, if there are so bad people then why did you bring me here?’ I said firmly. 

‘will you just listen to me?’ he says.

 ‘No, you listen to me, I am 26 not 12 and I don't need your chaperoning, you know that, don't you? ’I replied trying to keep calm. 

His outburst was making me mad 

“I know, but.. ”he said running his hands through his hair.

 “but, what James? You can flex your biceps for models out there and I can't have little fun!”I made my point clear. 

I was rubbing my wrist he'd grabbed earlier with my palm, waiting for him to start the car. 

“You say it like what I am doing is wrong.”I say barely a whisper 

“Is what you're doing right?” He snarls.

It catches me off guard. 

“what?” I asked surprised. 

“You hate clubs and yet you were there grinding up against that idiot on the dance floor. Why? But it looked like you were actually trying to take a reaction of out of me.”

“We’re friends, leia.” friends he throws that out again. I can't hold truth inside any longer. 

 “God, james, why do we keep running from this?”

 He's got his eyes on the road, looking straight avoiding my eyes.  

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, leia.”

“james-“ my voice trembles in fear and anticipation.  

I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect him to be so casual. He knows it's been long we have crossed the boundaries of just friends.  

But now in this very moment I'll say it, or else I feel like I'll explode. 

“I’m so sick of pretending, james. Please, please tell me I’m not crazy.” I say desperately, He moves in closer as he turns, as his eyes run over my face, “Shit, Please.”

I swallow hard as I look into his eyes. 

“Tell me this isn’t all in my head. I know it’s not.” I beg, his hands on either side of my face, and I close my eyes as a small tear escapes. 

“I don't know what to say, ” he takes in a deep breath, pulling his hands off of me.

The air was tense, the big revelation yet to be made, waiting for the right moment wasn't greatest of my ideas, there was no such thing. The way he had yelled at me out in the bar was only a snippet of how frustrated he was.

“James.. I... I remember the first time when you entered the class in third grade, I remember every word you said, when you sat besides me, all those years.. All those days.. Fuck! I.. I l... . ” I pray to all holy gods and muster my courage, but he cuts me off 

“don't! Just don't finish what you were about to say ”he pleads 

The silence in the car was deafening piercing. I swear that there never been such a moment before. He just kept looking outside. The silence was dense that I bet it could cut better than light saber. 

“You don't even know what I was saying.” I question, frustrated by his silence. 

I didn't miss the scoff that leaves his mouth to my outburst. 

“Wow, aren't you so cute .” I scoff. 

“I know what your we're about to say, I know” he confesses in a low voice. 

The knowledge that he brought has got my tongue, but I am not going to make assumptions. 

“and what is that?” I retorted. 

“that, fuck!”he takes a deep breath and continues“ you were going to confess your love”

I look at him with my eyes wide open, he must have heard the unspoken question and answered. 

“I know, I.. I have seen it in your eyes.. I have heard it in your words.. I have felt it in your touch everything that you never said, but I understood it. Everything changed Leia, you changed completely after I moved here. ” he says looking at the road. His voice low and heavy. 

Maybe ma was right, maybe he feels the same way too, a glimpse of hope got best of me and a little excited “so? ” escaped my lips. 

“so what?” he asks dumfounded. His he purposely trying to be dumb. 

“I am saying I love you and you're saying so what ” it came out as a angered sentence with a raised voice. “isn't that important to you?” I question. 

‘do... Do you?’ I ask hesitantly, a little hopefully. 

“You trouble me so much, you stress the fucking hell out of me, I.. I just.. It's not possible Leia, whatever you want.”he fumes. 

I can feel my whole world come crashing down at his words, I run hands over face trying to keep the tears in check, I feel suffocated to be here..

“You know what, I think I’m gonna go.” I say asking him to stop the car, which he doesn't. 

“please, James stop the car” I say repeat with tears in my eyes. 

“No ”he says 

“why?” I ask. I don't know whether I am referring to the car situation or my feelings. 

Silence is all I get 

“ we have been friends for eighteen years, your are practically found in my home every other day, call my mom‘mum’, I am your permanent plus one for every party and wedding , and still you can't commit ”

He’s so damn frustrated.James grips the gear a little tigher changing it, speeding up. 

I see notice his shoulder go up and down as he breathes in and out slowly. 

“What?” I breathe, petrified and vulnerable.

“it's not that! We're just friend” he says calmly. 

“just tell me... ” I began 

“no, Leia we are just friends” he interrupted me. 

 “ha..ha ugh. ”I fake laugh.. ‘we are just friends?’ I scoff gesturing between us. 

“after that number you pulled out at the bar, dragging me by my wrist when I was enjoying myself acting like a possessive boyfriend, you're telling me we're just friends ” I scoff. 

He scoffs at my response and I physically flinch. 

“oh god damn Leia what's your problem? I told you. ”

I swallow nervously 

“just tell me one time, one time I have touched you inappropriately, or said or did something?any indications, to lead you on?have I? ”

His tone is menacing when he speaks

I tilt my head looking out his cars window for a second before drifting back to him, I was in a daze and I felt drugged. I felt Unsettling twisted knot in my stomach. 

“james.” 

“I need to know?” he asks again and I nod my head in no, like a brick realization hit my head and instead broke my heart. He never did love me. 

“so? There your answer, so don't go assuming ” he proved his point. 

He took a heavy breath before continuing “I knew you had feeling for me, and I knew it since beginning, and I never encouraged it. I thought it was a phase, and it'll go away with time.., but you Leia.. You.. You don't need to do those stupid things, making me jealous and.. ”

“I wasn't making you jealous ” I objected. 

“You were , you know that ” he deadpanned.

He knew me too well. 

“If you weren't jealous then why did ask us to leave?”I asked sincerely. 

“I am not jealous leia, but I just.. I don't want you to get hurt. That's it. Someday someone nice would love you the way you deserved to be, the way I can't ” he says. 

I blink away hot tears . I cannot imagine anyone else. “but I don't love.. Damn. Is there someone else?” I ask him in a low voice. 

He turns around sharply. His face is contorted into an angry snarl, cheeks red and eyes wet. He doesn't answer. But we both know the unspoken truth. 

“Why did you stay with me when my dad died. I asked. “Why did you care about what happened to me at bar? Why do you care?” I practically sob holding his wrist tightly “Why do you care and no one else? Why it's always you that's besides me? 

Expression on his face had me dreading. My heart broke and we both knew why.

“I- I don’t know.” he stammer out. ‘I don't feel the same, you're my friend, you were and you'll always be, I love you but as friend.. I care about you.. But the love you're asking for I don't have that to give you. I don't have that mad passion, raw emotions, attraction, connection with you, the jealously that'll make me punch that guy's.. I... I can't Leia.. I want you as my best friend ’

I swallow my tears, and muster all my courage.. “I have come a long now to go back to friends, I am sorry James.. I can't stop loving.. I just wanted to tell you how I felt, but when my confession started depending on your approval I myself don't know ”

It hurts me to see him like this, to know it was my fault. It kills me to know that I was going to be the reason of our downfall. 

With every passing moment I fall a little deeper in love with him, and his presence will only make it worse. 

“love isn't about approval, it's just a emotion, so fucking stupid that it twisted my common sense, I love you and I can't change that and now that I have understood I don't need you to have mutual feelings, but I can't be around you... I just can't or else I'll lose my sanity.” I whimper. 

I know what I said, cause I can't even think where I'll go next. I had to do damage control, for whatever's worth saving inside me, cause I know I'll never be the same hence forth.  

We both are shocked when I realize he’s just punched the dash board with the tight fist, that had been on the gear box of the car 

“doesn't my friendship have any value against your love?” he asks quietly. 

He stares at it, disoriented and I look at him, stunned. Afraid.

My eyes are wide and I feel tears in the back of my throat.

“James.” I whisper, as the car stops in front of my hotel. 

“goodbye Leia ”he says barley above a whispers, without even looking at me. 

The second it rolls off his tongue it’s silent. If it were any quieter, I swear, we could hear both of our heartbeats. 

I gather my things and step out of his car, he grabs on the steering wheel turning a little to look at me, our eyes meet , just like they did 18 years ago in 3rd grade classroom, but this was the last time I know, yet his eyes full of despair. 

Every second is felt, I can't see clear through my blurred eyes, I only hear when he starts the engine and a blurring image of his red mustang disappearing on the road. 

I let out a heavy breath that I was holding since long, and tears roll down on my cheeks, I wipe them with palm of hand and with a curt smile I whisper 

“how Shakespearean! ”

The end.