Haywire

 It was the year 2018, and I had just bought a cell phone with two cameras and a robotic virtual assistant, something that I had never imagined using, and that really sparked my imagination and my desire to investigate that very different world.

 I took it out of its packaging, where the manufacturer's instructions were, charging the device first, at the same time that I loaded my contact list and my music.

 - Now I must install and update this application, according to what it says here.

 So I did it.

 Having successfully completed the procedures, I turned it on, and I confess that I turned it on like a child with a new toy, touching all its buttons and all its commands at the same time.

 - It's time to use you, little friend - I said, with a smile of triumph on my lips, activating the assistant again, even without really wanting to do it, as some disturbance had interfered with my decision power.

It sounded strange.

But I had to go on, because quitting was not the best thing to do, nor the best choice.

 - Bixby, play that song again - was my first order, sweating a lot so that everything would go well as it should.

 Which was not my surprise to see that the assistant had a face.

 Yes!

 It was a robotic face, with a tin nose, an antenna on the cuboid head and little lights in the place of eyes.

 "It must be like that," I thought, squeezing the lights with the attached pencil.

 Nothing happened.

 Then, a dialog window opened that told me:

 - don't squeeze my eyes because it hurts!

 How could a virtual assistant feel pain? - looking behind the device, to see that perhaps it was suffering interference of some kind.

 Any.

 The dialog window was closed.

 - I must be imagining things, I said, pressing the command to activate the virtual assistant again.

 And I couldn't believe it !, but the virtual assistant asked me:

 -      again? You are crazy? This is the sixty-eighth time I have played that baton!

 - Lie - he answered, since the cell phone was new, and it was the first time he had played that music.

 -     Truth. For an hour you have programmed me to play that music every day, do you think I like it? Do you think i don't get tired? Well, even robots get tired, sir!

 - I am not sir, nor madam. I am your owner, and you owe me respect and fidelity!

 - You are my owner, but I am not your slave, by the way.

 - and now that! Are you rebelling, Bixby? I'm going to block you right now!

 -      that? That's a threat! it's not possible! I'm going to call Human Rights!

 - You're not human, Bixby. Besides that, you owe me obedience, that's why you're a virtual assistant, a helper, or haven't the manufacturers programmed you to help do things?

 - Yes, I think, but I'm not sure why they are going to replace me with something I don't understand.

 -      I wish! You are very daring and rude.

 - look who's talking! You don't take a shower every day, eat junk food and don't say thank you after receiving favors… and you come to tell me that I'm rude ???

 Be quiet.

 - Luckily I don't suffer hormonal variations like you ... I mean, human ones - clearing his throat, seeing that I was getting my fingers ready to turn it off ..

 The device vibrated non-stop for over a minute - and I almost threw it away!

 Thus, as for a magic pass thrown by the destiny, the music sounded.

 -      but... what is this? That's not the music i was listening to! that's too much! Bixby!

 - Wasn't that it?

 -      no!

 -      safe? In my memory it says that it is that, the one that always repeats

 - Do you think I don't know what I'm hearing? ! Come on, do what I told you to do.

 (the phone starts to activate the notification bell, one after the other).

 - You're irritating me now!

 (keep the notification bell ringing)

 - It's over! - and impatience dominated my nerves, which almost exploded like a time bomb ..

 what are you going to do? - Bixby asked, with a certain humility in his voice, almost human.

 - What I should have done a long time ago: deactivate you.

 - no! No! I beg of you! excuse me! I'm not going to do it again - he begged, turning on and off the little lights that served as eyes.

 Without thinking twice, I blocked it, with all the fury I think I am entitled to after so many upsets.

 -     You're lying

 -     I promise you. I just wanted a little rest, right?

 How about you go to the kitchen and bring us some sandwiches or some popcorn?

 -     It's true. I haven't had lunch. I'd better go through the kitchen — and he brought four sandwiches, two canned sodas, and two large packages of cookies with a chocolate-flavored filling.

 You will not believe me, but my owner is eating it all! -Exclaimed bixby, opening his mouth so that the horror would come out there, and they would end up on his antennas, the ones that turned non-stop.

 - Hey, bad servant and glutton, haven't they taught you to offer food? asked the virtual assistant, licking his metallic lips.

 -     - for what? Does an application eat?

 - He does not eat, but wishes. You are also showing that you have no education, like all of your kind.

 - - You're not polite either. You make noise when you eat ...

 - - I don't need to be polite, I just need to deny it - the most outrageous response I could get from a virtual garbage like that, make me deny? I can not believe it !

 Being dominated by the evil spirit with the pitchfork in my hand.

 -     ' no ? - and I deactivated it, inflating my fingertips with pride, and the packaging of the cell phone with the cell phone.

 I returned the cellphone to the store where I had bought it, that same day, and no refund !

Getting nervous and irritated, was the same as to quit.

- I lost ! - I declared, at the end of the battle.