Never Again Burning

“CUT!”

Diary, that’s how loud the director yelled this abomination of a word. The disgusting fool was really thinking he was right about the movie he was making. What a freak!

Anyway, as I told everyone I was an actress, which I’m not, everyone actually believed me! I couldn’t believe it. I know, I know, I am an annoying, frustrating nuisance who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. At least, that’s how Daddy treated me. I wanted to be an astrophysicist and then graduate to Astrophysics so I could see how bright the sun could burn towards MY future.

But do I have one?

No!

Daddy didn’t provide enough meat for the pack. At least when he wasn’t when he was a lion. When he’s a man, he’ll give me whatever—candy, lessons on math and physics and space—

Yes, that’s what I need. But he’s always told me to be a lion. A lioness. I’m a person. And I’m not Daddy’s little girl. Anymore.

Because I’m—

“Hey!”

I glared up at the director heading towards me. “What do you do when I direct a movie? This is a set.” He waved a hand towards the green screen background. I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t know.” I returned to my diary, and became a lioness. He froze. And I hurled myself at him, and soon he was my lunch, a bloody, dead mess below me. My maw proved him wrong. Proved everyone, who stood as still as trees, wrong.

My Daddy is wrong. Wrong about everything.

Wrong about my diary, which he strived to burn in the flames. I don’t know why, but I lunged for it, burning myself in the process. That’s why I have these burned paws. But those flames can die. Like everyone else on this set.

This place covered with the redness of my fury.

Because all the people, actors and actresses, who stole my diary and read its privacy to the world—exposed everyone to the privacy of my inner thoughts—are dead. Dead as a frog when it’s been…well, dead as anything that’s dead.

The Lioness. That’s how others will see me.

The lioness who made it. Who escaped, dashing around, paws exposed, burns ignored, ears pricked for Daddy’s roars. But where’s Mommy?

Mommy, I think, is still in Africa, the place Daddy’s told us all we’re moving. I don’t want to deal with it. All the animals in Africa will bow to me, the lioness who knows how to deal with nonsense. How to defeat someone who deserves it.

Knock ‘em dead, Hon.

That’s Mommy’s phrase.

Well, that’s just a phrase. Because she didn’t do nothing to get the abuse stopped. Nothing made her tell Daddy. Well, Diary, today’s the day I show Daddy space’s not for the faint of heart.

The faint of heart is Daddy.

Just Daddy.

Daddy.

Daddy’s not allowed up in space.

Or anywhere.

The lioness, me, dashes around, chasing lions called people tough enough to round up a lioness—“Put her in a circus!” some say—or Africa. No, Africa’s going somewhere else. Out of space.

Once the people have dashed out of the airport, I try to follow the planes, tracking them down. My red eyes, black pupils as black as death, roam around, looking for a plane to help me navigate—wait! I’m the Lioness. I round some animals to go for me to get Daddy, drag him to a circus or somewhere where animals—

Yes! I dash around, but the animals tell me not to do so. Not to get Daddy, wrap a chain around his neck and drag him to such a place. No! Some animals protest, the smaller ones with tears in their eyes. I suspect them to be merciful. No, I tell them. I dash towards them, ordering them to understand me. Please, I fake-beg, please understand me. You don’t know abuse. Daddy was mean. He wasn’t very nice.

The lioness was a little crazy, the one who’s a complete stranger. They were all strangers. But I demanded their attention, their freaking desire for obedience. But the animals didn’t listen. So I threatened them. If they did not comply, I showed them my burnt paws.

They all gasped. “You’ll roast—”

“And eat you!”

“But…” One antelope came forward, stomping its hooves. “We don’t tastes good.”

“Grow up!” I paced back and forth, like a general in an army. “One would not listen, so one needs to be punished. He’s gotten away with it.” I was talking about Daddy, so I told them. They all looked at each other, discussing. I told them if they listen, they’ll get a family. I’ll give them what they want. The animals all became people. I became happy, knowing I stood above them on a small rock. Such a rock heightened my confidence. Daddy wouldn’t know what hit him.

Except my burnt paws.

“Where do we need to go?”

“This way!”

I lead them straight to Daddy. He approached me, saying in a friendly voice, “Hey! How are you, Lissie?”

I lunged, scratching him. He roared, and pawed at his face. “What—what’s gotten into you?”

“You know?” I cackled. “Please, don’t you remember? Such a fool you were!”

“What—dear. I—”

But the animals attacked, first the antelope, then the elephants. All gazelles pounded—

“Honey! Honey!”

I jerked awake. I was sitting up, sweat clinging to me, cold and fresh. Never a night had I had such a dream.

My daddy was asleep.

I crouched, and lunged.

He screamed, and then became, in the moonlight I saw, a lion. I could never kill him.

“Please! I’m your daughter.”

“No daughter of mine attacks me like that.”

He leapt, this time me dodging cleanly. I kept it up, him roaring and then speaking softly. I hated it, gritting my teeth. I went somewhere. Calling animals.

“Ready?”

“Yes, Lioness!”

“Let’s go.”

We prowled. We tracked him down. We won.

We also realized Mommy was there, watching us. She turned away, not saying anything. We turned on her. We cornered her. We threw her away, after eating, at least the bones.

We proved me. I proved myself.

Something told me I'd never reach my dream of Astrophysics.

I growled, So what? Like I'd be anything with this past.

But something told me to stop.

I turned to the animals, but their eyes opened bright, saying vengeance wasn't the answer. They weren't happy, no matter what they did. So they turned on me.

"You avenge. You didn't say sorry."

My eyes widened. "No--no! I'm sorry." I meant it.

They left me alone. But I was alone. So I threw myself into the fire. But not before these animals forgave me, saying I could start anew. I stared at them.

"What? Is it possible?"

"Yes!" Their faces were bright with the relief of forgiveness. "Run with us."

I wanted to. I wanted to be an Astrophysicist. I wanted to start anew. But I didn't want to live with my past. My Daddy was dead, but my anger wasn't.