The journal of a modern black girl - Based on true stories.

July 3rd - Yesterday was worse than usual and now I will have to wear a long-sleeved shirt tomorrow despite the 95’ degree Louisiana weather. It was my own fault, I should have just gone without dinner as usual. Dad had just gotten home. He was drunk (as usual) and I got in the way, he loves me. I am sure of it, he just gets a little stressed and it causes confusion. Yes, that is it, he is just confused, only 2 more years and I will be off to college. In the meantime, I will stay cuddled in bed with my baby sister Mary.

July 4th - I am standing in front of a mirror in the girl’s bathroom. It is lunchtime so I know I will not be bothered. I know I should be eating. After all, lunch is dinner for me, but I can’t help it. A group of gangsters hit me pretty hard today. As I look at the girl staring back at me I see I see an absolute mess. Tears are streaming down my face, I have bruises on my arms that are now visible due to the ugly fight I had to escape from earlier, a couple of older white boys think it is fun to beat up and verbally abuse the little black girls in front of a group of spectators. Hey, here comes Zoe! What’s wrong did a rat mistake your hair for its nest? And evidently, Zack had his pit bull with him and it ripped up my sleeves in my attempt to get away so now my bruised covered arms are exposed for the whole school to see, no doubt as soon as I get to class I will be sent to the principal's office for questioning and that is not what I need maybe I can get them to call Alex's mom instead of mine. 

July 4th later that night - Welp, no such luck I told principal Clemmons that I ran into the lockers but he didn’t believe me so he called my mom and as usual she was sweet as ever - until we got into the car - then it started. She was screaming at me the whole way home about how she did not know she got stuck with me as a stepdaughter and she should have sent me to boarding school when she had the chance. When we got home she said that I would be getting no food from her for a week and I was to stay in my room until further notice. And that I would be extra quiet when her dinner party guests got to the house or I would be sleeping in the dog house like the filthy animal I am. Yes, it was quite the touching mother-daughter talk. Oh well on the bright side I will have extra time to teach Mary how to walk! She got all the way up to 5 steps yesterday!

July 5th - Today was good as far as my life goes. It is Sunday. I snuck out of my window and went to Alexes (I am always welcomed at the Mathews house.) Every once in a while people will make fun of me when we walk together and call us lovebirds and when he is gone they say that I have no right being around him cause I am just a filthy Nigro, but the truth is that we have been friends since pre-school and neither of us could imagine liking each other romantically he has always called me his little sis and I like it that way. He has always been the only one I could confide in. It is because of him that I have at least a small bit of time not being bullied. At least ever since he sent one of the gang members to the hospital bloody and with a broken arm for beating me up and calling me awful names they are afraid to come near me during school hours. Unfortunately, that does not stop them from ganging up on me when he goes to work at the local grocery store. Anyway, we went out to eat for dinner which was good because since it was the weekend I did not have the school’s lunch to hold me over I was absolutely starving! When I got home I was lucky enough not to be seen so I climbed into bed and went to sleep hoping that the good hood would hold me over through the night and as far into the day as possible (the more of the day I can sleep away the better.)

July 6th - Besides Alex, I have never allowed myself, friends, for fear of my bad luck messing up a friendship, plus most everyone at school hated my gut’s anyway, but today something happened. In the middle of class principle, Clemmons came into our class and introduced a girl about my age to the class which happens often enough only this time it was different, the girl looked like me. She was black! So naturally, they paired the two of us together and by the end of the day, I was so happy that I got lost on the way home. I have just made a Nigro friend! Something good has finally happened to me! Her name is Maria and she is the nicest person I have ever met!

July 7th - Alex walked Maria and me to and from school today so we were not bothered and we had a great time. Maria is quite the comedian! 

We ate lunch together, I helped her with math, and she helped me with history. She comes from African refugees it is all really cool actually.

July 8th - It is the middle of the night and I am at Maria’s house. She is sleeping next to me. I tried to sleep but I just couldn't, something she said earlier got me thinking, I told her about my family situation and she said that I had a “toxic family”. At first, I got all defensive because I love my family, and they love me. They just get carried away and confused sometimes. Only sometimes I doubt that myself. I am supposed to love my neighbors and I try to. I often try and do things for my step-siblings but they don’t even notice it. They say I mean and that I never do anything for them, that I shut them out. The other day my brother Max swore to kill me if I “told him what to do again” And my sister Mary said that I am a terrible big sister and that I should be more like her best friend’s big sister. That had hurt. I am only 16 and am already having to figure out how to deal with depression, and anxiety on my own despite being told that I can always talk to my parents. I have tried to but it has never made a difference, in fact, it just makes it worse. I am trapped. The truth is that I have thought of running away. I would honestly be able to survive just fine. The problem is that as broken as my messed-up family is, I know that if I left, it would be the last straw and I do not want to be the cause of everything completely falling apart. But there is the appeal of being rid of it all; to finally be rid of the chaos, the fighting, the yelling. So much yelling. I could go to Alexes, but who's to say I would not just be made to go back? No, I can’t give up now, after all, I have Maria now, and Mary, I have to be here to help her grow up. 

July 25 - Remember when I said that I did not want any more friends because I am full of bad luck? Well, I really am and that brings me to why I have not journaled for a few weeks, Maria is dead. She was killed in a shooting at the school. It is all my fault too, I wanted to go to the Matthews house by myself so I lied and told her I could not walk to school with her. I was late getting there but when I finally arrived I saw it, or rather I saw her. She was lying on the floor in a pool of blood almost dead, trying to talk to me, but We were all told to leave the school at once but I couldn’t just leave her there so I fought to stay with her I only got to hear her say thank you for being my friend, and then Alex started to drag me out, I fought and screamed, kicking and scratching, but eventually I could not handle it I completely broke down and let him half drag and half carry me out of the building to an empty field in the park. I cried and cried unable to stop, he insisted I go home so I did but when I got there a terrible fate awaited me. Murder. More death, how is that even possible? When I got home my innocent baby sister laura was lying limp on the front porch steps. I went inside and asked what happened when I found out that my stepmother had purposely killed her when she found out that she had down syndrome I went completely ballistic. I tried to strangle her but my dad stopped me, he threw me to the ground and told me that I was stupid, he hit me over and over, he told my onlooking siblings whom I love not to be like me. And that is when I decided I would leave. I got up and told my family I loved them but for my own good, I had to leave. I went upstairs, grabbed my backpack, packed my things, and left. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but in the end, it was better.

July 26 - The first thing I did was to go and get a job at Burger King, then I went and got the cheapest motel room possible. It was nice for a while no there to mistreat me (I quit school) but eventually, Alex found me and asked me to come to live with them. I refused. After a couple of weeks of listening to him plead with me to come back to school and live with his family, his parents finally came to try and convince me. I still refused but then a couple of weeks later they came back with some papers and told me that they were adoption papers. I was shocked and said that I could not possibly accept that. They were disappointed but they left the papers on the foot of my bed and told me that the offer would still be available when I was ready, and so one day I decided that I was ready. I signed the papers and raced to their house and told them the good news. The whole family was absolutely thrilled!

December 24 - It has been months since I have seen my old family. I am a Mathews now. The hardest thing I have ever had to do turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I now have a mom and dad who both love me. Alex is my legal brother now, and I get 3 square meals a day 365 days of the year! And we moved to Illinois. I am the happiest I have ever been. 

January 1 - I wasn’t sure how I would like it -being adopted- but somehow it is the most wonderful feeling in the world I think. It is the ultimate act of kindness, you see, if you have never been adopted you can not fully understand the meaning of it all. When someone adopts you it is more than just being plucked out of the cold cruel reality that you have currently lived in, but it is also the amazing reality that someone out there cared enough to take you in, to feed you, clothe you, and most of all love you. Although adoptions can sometimes go wrong. My old stepmother never really loved me, she acted like she did when people were watching, but when they looked away she was a hypocrite. She taught her children to do things she herself did not practice, she often asked aloud why she even had children. And my siblings were another story, they were just spoiled little terrors they did not seem to know the meaning of loyalty, trust, or humility, except the one uncorrupted one, the one who was innocent in the whole mess and yet was the first to die from it all. And yet after all of the hard times, the trial and error I finally cut the bonds between me and my stepfamily that never loved me, even from my own flesh and blood father. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it was the best thing too. I never fully understood the meaning of a “chosen family” but now I understand. A chosen family are the people who are always there for you no matter what. They are the people whom you trust always, you can tell them anything, and you are always welcome into their home. And if there is one thing that I have learned from all of this it is that the Matthews has always been and will always be: my chosen family.