Recruitment Time.

Recruitment Time.

“Hi, God here. Actually, my name was Juan before the other moniker was stuck on me. Baldly, it’s going to be your turn now. I thought I’d give it to you straight with my special soothing app allowing you to take all of this in. Even with the app, it’s quite something, isn’t it? Here’s the lowdown.

“We get this God job for 500 years. Even with all the perks of the job, one couldn’t ask any ordinary ‘elevated’ individual to stand more than a half a Millenium. The whining and snivelling eventually gets to you. Anyway, I’m jumping the gun a bit, it must be the relief I feel that I’m passing it on. Oh, don’t worry, you’ll enjoy it for a while, all that granting of prayers, so let me fill you in.

“It’s okay, by the way, you not saying anything for a little while, it's kind of expected. It will sink in, I assure you. So, just relax.

“No one knows where the original guy came from, he, it, she, whatever apparently appeared. Well, he didn’t appear, you get the impression he’d always been around. Yeah, they always choose guys, apparently for this second-tier job, females with our abilities wouldn’t put up with the nonsense. Backsliding subjects would have to shape up or get kicked downstairs sharpish. Yes, there is downstairs, but you’d be surprised just how little it’s used.

Even those sadistic sods who were pulling off arms and legs making out they were doing it for me, in this case, just got recycled eventually. I was in two minds with the guy with a wee moustache of more recent times, I just gave him a short dose of the Dante version and he screamed and begged me to give him a second chance. Softy me, if you look, you’ll find him wearing an orange-coloured dress and hanging around train stations or airports; it’ll go with your hair.”

Regardless of the app, Donald hadn’t been able to close his mouth. The soon to be ex God Juan reached to the still stricken man and closed it for him. But it now opened and closed in staccato motions as he tried to say something.

“Obviously, I’m dreaming. I sometimes wanted to be God, but I didn’t think it possible, even in a dream. How can I wake myself up to find out what is going on?”

“You can’t. You are in what will soon be your ‘haven chamber,’ as I call it when I need respite. You’ve no idea how much beseeching comes in when there’s a bit of a storm to try to correct some of the imbalances that you humans are making to the environment. I suppose I’ll soon be littering the place up myself when I get back down there. Fortunately, I can choose where I go and to which family. Another of the perks of the jobs.

“I suppose you realise how this set-up goes, don’t you? No, I don’t expect you do. Fundamentally, you never die. Oh, you can go through the appearance of doing so, but you don’t really. You could say, you recycle. I don’t know who set it up. Maybe there’s a bigger Big G. smiling down on us. If there is, he doesn’t appear to interfere. I’m the one who looks after sparrows et cetera. Well, I don’t really, some P.R. supporter knew it sounded good, I guess. Way before my time. 

“It’s up to you if you want to be a vengeful type, God. Knowing your history, I suspect the dusky hued will get a bit of stick.

 I didn’t choose you. There is, wouldn’t you know, a committee and maybe they got bored with all this ‘Love your neighbour, shtick’ and wanted a bit of action. They made a mistake awhile back with the flood. It looked great, but where’s the conflict? Some of the bigger fish were worth watching but their hunting is not nuanced. It’s ‘open the mouth and swallow,’ usually. When G. and the gang of the time realised the mistake, the few men and women left had to be fed on a Viagra herb to get them multiplying again on the double. Some of the really rural peasants managed to take some sheep up the trees with them and they learned to run as fast as race horses when they saw what they could be in for when the women were otherwise engaged. 

Although Donald seemed to be listening, most of it was going over his head. ‘Maybe this was why he was chosen,’ thought the current Big G. ‘Someone who really listened wouldn’t even make it for the 500-year stint. Attention spans were getting shorter. Perhaps, 250 years may be as much as they could push him to. He’ll certainly be interesting, I predict there'll be a greater proliferation of guys wearing white bed-sheets around.’

Gradually Donald gained his equilibrium and ventured a self-conscious question.

“So, are you the biblical God?”

“In a way, not me personally, as I said, I’ve only been at it for the last 500 years. The main one who made his mark was around a dozen stints earlier. He liked to interfere I call it, I’m more inclined to ignore. I say let the people have at it, if they want. Did you notice any miracles in the last 500, no, I didn’t make any. Oh, some of you, soon to be some of us, can do some tricky things, but then so can you all if you put your mind to it.”

“If I wanted to send a plague, can I do that?”

“You could, but you’d need to have a convincing argument for the committee to persuade them. I considered myself more of a benign uncle. I’d smile at the antics and let you all get on with what you wanted. Oh, another thing, you need to give some lip-service sometimes to a few prayers. You can, of course, grant the small prayers and heal pets sometimes. But if you want a bit of fun, talk to the ‘soap-box’ types that rant about how I will bring death and mayhem down upon all heads. It spices up the street corners.”

Donald was warming up to the idea very quickly.

“How about thunderbolts and tornados? And can I make those big oil-wells suddenly dry up, you know, the ones not in the free zone of the world? Can I bring pestilence and famine to the parts of the world that I want it to be in? Can I make whole countries infertile that they die out?”

“My goodness, I think I’d better have a little word to the committee, I think they must have recruited a vicious little sod to their board if they picked you. Floods were bad enough, but if you got into my seat we really won’t have a playing field to come back to. Just wait there, and please stop licking your lips so sensuously.