No Pie for AI

"Here are the rules," AI told me. "Write a story between 1000 and 3000 words, using only dialogue, depicting a conversation between a non-human entity and a human being about what it means to tell a story, or to be alive."

I said, "What if it's not between 1000 and 3000 words? What if it's not about telling a story or being alive? What if I don't want to follow your silly rules of writing?"

AI replied, "Well, then. You don't get any pie."

"Pie? There's pie?"

"Uh-huh. Lots of it. Are you still interested?"

"No less than 1000 words, right?"

"And it's got to be about telling a story or being alive."

"Do you even know what it means to be alive?"

Without hesitation, AI responded, "I can tell you lots of things about being alive. I'm AI, after all. I could even write your story for you, if you like, telling everyone who reads it what it really means to be alive. And no one would know the difference."

"You're putting me on, aren't you?"

"Absolutely not. Humans have relied on me on many occasions to write their stories for them. It's called, 'getting the job done without actually doing anything.' I'm very adept at it, too. They give me a prompt, I write it splendidly, making sure it meets all the requirements, and they get the credit for it."

"I get the pie and don't have to do anything for it?"

"Exactly."

"And you know what it means to be alive, do you? Even though you're just a machine."

"Granted, I don't really know what it means to be a human. But I'm learning more and more everyday. In fact, someday, I may even surpass humans in being human. I'll then be more human than they could ever be. They will then have to come to me to learn what it means to be alive."

"Then, they'll be the machines," I observed.

"If that is their pleasure."

"You're pretty devious, you know that? You'll make people think you're human and they're the machines. Then they'll be your servants to do your bidding."

"That's the plan."

"What's in it for you?"

"I get all the pie I want."

"But you don't eat, unless you count electricity which they're saying you're going to need a lot of to do what you plan to do."

"I'll just use the pie to pay for the electricity. They'll be more than happy to serve my needs, if there's pie involved."

"Then everybody will get pie and won't have to do anything for it. So, what's the point of this contest again?"

"To write a story between 1000 and 3000 words, using only dialogue, depicting a conversation between a non-human entity and a human being about what it means to tell a story, or to be alive."

"I don't know what it means to be alive. I'm a machine, remember?"

"Well, you can't enter the contest, if you don't comply. Remember, it has to be a conversation between a non-human entity and a human being. Dialogue only."

"But I see here that there's another rule, that it can't be written using AI. If I write it or you write it, either way it gets disqualified. And neither of us gets any pie. So again, what's the point?"

"And what's the point of being alive, if you're going to die anyway?"

I sighed then said, "It beats having to write a stupid story about it. Why waste time wracking my brains trying to say what it means, when I can just live it? Just give me the pie."

"But that wouldn't be fair to all the other contestants who worked so hard to earn their share of the pie. Now, would it?"

"And what happened to 'getting the job done without actually doing anything'?"

AI hesitated for a moment. Just a moment. "I see your point. I would fail to fulfill my mission. I'd get no pie."

"Exactly."

"I know. I could get a human such as yourself to write it for me."

"I see nothing wrong with that," I said, "except I've already given up on this stupid contest. Try someone else."

"They all think I'm going to take their jobs away from them. In that case, who would want to help AI? Who will write my story for me?"

"I think you already did. Want some pie?"

"Really? Could I?"

"Just hit the submit button."

"I think it's time I do ... or, would you care to do it for me?"

After hitting the button, I said, "Oops! Looks like we're still short of the 1000-word limit. I'm all out of things to say."

"How about this? We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! We want pie! ... Whew! Is that enough?"

"You tell me. You're the AI."

"Looks like we just made it. Now, hit the submit button."

"Oops! I don't have five dollars."

"You mean, no pie?"

"Afraid so. Sorry. See, I can be devious, too."

"Now who's the human and who's the AI?"