Transcendence

     The full moon shone on the new fallen snow creating the illusion of daylight. A fire crackled in the fireplace library warming Julia as she went about setting the table. She was almost ready. Her purple tablecloth was draped across the table; atop it were candles- a white one flanked by two purple, a photo of her and Ethan, a quartz crystal and two steaming mugs of tea. The room held the odor of the sage she’d used earlier. Satisfied she was ready, she looked at the clock and saw that the time had come. Julia struck a match, lit the frankincense stick and set it in her tabletop cauldron to smolder. Using the same match, she lit the candles. Closing her eyes, Julia took a deep breath in and let it out. She began to fill her mind with images and memories of Ethan-his smile, the dimple in his right cheek, the unruly curls of his sandy-brown hair. The way his eyes always seemed to hold a mischievous sparkle. When his image was as clear in her mind as if he were sitting there with her she spoke:

Once a year on thy anniversary

When thy earthly body ceased to be

I light these candles and call to thee

Ethan, join me for a cup of tea

And so as the clock strikes three

Appear at our table and talk with me

As I will it, so mote it be

     The change in the air raised the hair on her arms, signaling his arrival. The amethyst crystal between her breasts grew warm and a soft breeze blew across her shoulder. She opened her eyes and there he was.

     “Hello, husband,” she said, as was her customary greeting.

     “Hello, wife,” he replied, as was his customary response. “How have you been this year?” He smiled at her, treating her to a glimpse of his dimple. It was that smile that had her well and truly hooked the first time she saw him.

     “I’ve been well,” she responded with a smile of her own. She proceeded to tell him all that has transpired since their last meeting. Sadly, she didn’t have much to tell. He did his best to listen but he was distracted this visit. It wasn’t long before she called him on it.

     “Is everything alright? You seem a bit jumpy,” she asked with a frown.

     “I’m fine, just fine,” he said without meeting her eyes.

     “Oh no,” she said, her hand flying to her mouth. “Did I forget to unplug something? I was pretty sure I got it all this time.” Julia rose to double check the appliances.

     “No, sit. You didn’t forget anything,” he reassured her. His first visit proved near-disastrous as his full-force energy and technology did not mix.

     “Ethan, I know you. What’s up?” Her eyes searched his face, her unease growing as he seemed to weigh his words. 

     “I think it’s time,” he began.

     “For?” Although she already had a sense of what he was going to say. She had been sensing some type of change looming all year.

     “For me to move on,” he said, lowering his eyes. His words were a dagger to her heart. This was what she’d been afraid of. She had vowed to accept this day with dignity, if and when it came. That was not to be.

     “Why? Is it me? Is it something I did?” Tears welled in her eyes and spilled over onto her cheeks. 

     “No, of course not. It’s just, well…,” he trailed off, unsure of how to say what he needed to say. “It’s just I want to experience the afterlife fully. It’s so amazing, Jules. I can hardly believe it.” His energy took on a violet glow as he spoke. “There is just so much to see and feel. But I can’t while I’m still tied here.” Ethan knew it was coming out all wrong but he didn’t know how else to say it. 

     “There’s someone else, isn’t there?” She hated how it sounded even as she said it. She wasn’t the jealous type; she never had been. The idea that there was yet something else that was more important than her was more than she could bear.

     “Jesus, no. Jules, I swear to you, there is no one else.” Julia thought about this for a minute before standing up to pace, arms crossed against her chest. 

     “Have you forgotten that I have had no choice in any of this?” She fumed.

     “Jules, I …,” he began but she cut him off. 

     “No, you don’t think about that, do you? I fell for you, head over heels when we met. All I wanted was a life with you. I gave you everything I am-I am still giving you everything I am. That wasn’t good enough for you then and I guess it isn’t good enough for you now. You just wanted the devoted little wife at home while you still went out and played daredevil. How many times did I beg you to stop?” She leaned down to look in his face. “Look at me,” she demanded. The edge in her voice cut through him. He raised his eyes to meet hers. Pain glittered in her eyes. “I lost count,” she continued. “The day you died, I died. If I could go back in time, I would smash that goddamn motorcycle to pieces.” She spat through gritted teeth. Julia turned from him and stood at the fireplace. The pain and anger in her heart burned as hot as the flames. Neither said anything for a time.

     “Julia,” Ethan began softly. “You’re absolutely right. I wanted a life with you, a family. I know it’s hard for you to understand…the pull for danger was just too much for me. If you’d smashed my bike, I would have found another. Don’t you see? That was my fate. My only regret is the pain it has caused you,” he said. Julia sat back down, put her face in her hands and wept.

     “Please, please don’t leave me again. I don’t think I can bear it. The only thing I have to look forward to are these visits,” she said.

    “That’s not true, my love. You have your whole life ahead of you,” said Ethan, gently. 

     “Yes, I do, don’t I,” she said with a deep sigh. He watched her emotions play across her face as she stared out the window at the moon.

     “It’s been a wonderful gift being able to visit with you,” said Ethan, leaning towards her. “I am so grateful you learned to connect with me. The first year I was still so unsure of what happened or where I was. It was nice to come home. The second year, I felt like it was literally the best of both worlds-my soul could be free but I could also still see you. This last year though…,” he drifted off, searching for the right words.

     “Go on,” said Julia.

     “This last year I realized this isn’t how it’s supposed to be for either of us. Not forever, anyway,” he said with a sad smile. 

     “Do you know how many times I’ve contemplated joining you in the three years you’ve been gone?” 

     “I do,” he said. “But that’s not how it’s supposed to be either.” 

     “So how’s it work then? You get to go off and be in peace while I languish here in hell?” she asked bitterly.

     “No, absolutely not. I am to go off-I do hope it’s in peace. And you, my love, are meant to live.”

     “How? How am I to live when I can’t live without you?” 

     “We have to let each other go, Jules. It’s time,” he said. Julia felt the truth in his words even as her heart broke anew. All year long she’d sensed a distance or that a change would be imminent. A part of her would always love him. She knew it was time to let go-it would be their final gift to each other. Julia gazed across the table at him and smiled.

     “Give me your hands,” he said, reaching for her. Her eyes grew wide in surprise. They hadn’t touched since he died. Slowly, she extended her hands until they met his in the middle of the table. Their eyes closed. She was immediately enveloped in a warm, lavender light. She felt his spirit flow through to mingle with hers. Julia felt her future stretch out before her. She felt love, gratitude, laughter, and indescribable joy. “Live, my love,” he whispered. She felt the weight of her grief lift and her pain transform into hope. With a shaky breath, she opened her eyes. 

     “Can you stay for one more cup of tea?”

     “I would really love that,” he said. They raised their mug in celebration of each other. 

     “To moving on,” said Ethan.

     “To moving on,” answered Julia.