Ten seconds, a lifetime.

You know that feeling. Everyone does. The feeling when you make a mistake but its to late to fix it. That moment when you feel the despair sink in. When all you can do is watch the consequences of your actions play out. Those ten seconds, between you making your mistake and the world taking notice. The shortest of timespans, which suddenly feels like an eternity. All that is left for you to do is contemplate everything that brought you to this moment. The dozens of huge choices, the hundreds of tiny decisions and the one that sealed you in this moment.  

10 seconds

Thirteen years old. The day you first got behind a wheel.  Young and stuck in your own world when dad suddenly asks if you want to try. Driving yourself. Feeling terrified and nervous. Dad’s “don’t worry, that’s how my dad thought me”. Doing only 20 kph, on an abandoned road in the middle of the afternoon. The shared feeling of adventure. Breaking the law with your old man. His “lets not tell your mum” before you get home. The conspiracy you shared, sealed with a wink and a smile.

9 seconds.

Seventeen years old. Getting a license. An old beatdown car. Stuck in the stink of the stranger silently judging you for nearby. The fear of failure shining in your eyes. Everyone you know standing at the finish line. Expectant. Jubilation at the end Your freedom earned in a half hour. Freedom gifted by a stranger, whom gives this gifts a dozen times a day. A stranger you only met for the shortest of times. A stranger who forgot you within a week. A man you will never forgot.

8 seconds.

Nineteen years old. Your own car. Earned through blood and sweat. Your work. Your time invested. Paid of at last. Freedom once more. Freedom not given, but earned this time. Driving for hours. Without a goal. Without an end. Enjoying the feel of it. The shrinking of the world that this freedom brings you. Your car. She always brings you home.

7 seconds.

20 years old. A first date. Not unlike any other. But completely different nonetheless. Picking her up, dropping her off. Not wanting her to leave the car. Her not wanting to leave. Sitting together for hours.  In the end you see the morning lurking on the horizon. Her smile. Her laugh. Her scent, still there long after she got out. A perfect night. A great beginning for a life.

6 seconds.

22 years old. The car stuffed to the brink. Her clothes behind the passengers seat. Your tv on top of those. Two chairs squeezed together. A mirror on top. And blankets in all the gaps for protection. Checking that the boxes are fastened. Moving day. Your own place. Just the two of you. The end of an era. The start of something new. No more long nights in the car. More freedom. A home to make your own.

5 seconds.

26 years old. The end of a car. What started with small shocks became the death of her. A loss, to big to put in words. A fake smile on your face. “its just a car”. The lie you tell yourself and whomever asks. The tear you hide when she gets dragged away. The death of your first love. A love deeper then you can admit.

4 seconds.

27 years old. The car replaced. Everything becomes new again in the end. A brand new love. Newer. Shinier. Impressive. But not the same. The love is there. Again. But not like the first time. A first love you never forget. Still reminiscing about the old girl. The car that wouldn’t fail. Until she did. Everything ends.

3 seconds.

29 years old. Sitting in the funeral procession. Stuck right behind the hearse. The place where the son belongs. Dozens of cars in a solemn row. More people there than expected. Not nearly as much as he deserved. All together commiserating his end. A long fought fight. Lost in the end. The end of the greatest man. Your role model. The other part of your conspiracy. A conspiracy now shared alone. The embodiment of years of love and support. The graveyard slowly approaching. Time for the end. The end of a family. The start of your own life.   

2 seconds.

31 years old. Racing to the hospital. Speeding faster than ever before. Her growling in pain behind you. Fear and excitement taking control. Your son on the way. The scariest of all your endeavors. The responsibility. A wife to take care off. A Son to raise. To make the right man of. You know how. Thankfully, someone took the time to show you. 29 years of practical examples prepared you as best as anything could. You’re ready. A new beginning.

1 second.

44 years old. The magic words. You practiced them. This moment could be the making of it all. A conspiracy beyond all others. He will never see it coming. “do you want to try?”. Him behind the wheel. Bewilderment in his eyes. Sweat on his brow. Fear in his voice. Your reassurances. “that’s how my dad thought me”. The sharing of the decades old conspiracy. Never shared before. Confidence emerging in his gaze. Determination in his posture. A slow crawl along an empty street. A shared adventure.  Your “let’s not tell your mother about this”, a deal sealed with a smile and a wink.

0 seconds.

You pressed the gas when you meant to break. A simple mistake. Made dozens of times before. But this time everything was different. A slow reaction. A red light. A busy intersection. A big truck without proper brakes. This is how it ends. Ten seconds to reflect on a life. A life lived good. A life with only the ending as a regret. More than anyone could hope for. Less then you deserve. The end of your car. A second love. The first time she can’t get you home. The end of a family. The start of your son’s life.