The Illusion of Now

Every day felt like a repetition of the one before. My eyes fluttered open to the familiar hum of my alarm. I shut it off and glanced at the time. As expected, it was 6:00 am on the dot. I couldn’t shake off the peculiar fact about myself: I never felt sleepy afterward. Feeling energized, I flopped out of bed and headed straight to the restroom. Same routine – brush my teeth, use the restroom, wash my face, change my clothes. I mentally accessed my closet and chose a white shirt and jeans, which were the most comforting to me. It was as if I was trapped in a never-ending cycle. It was that time of year, they say “the most wonderful time of the year.” 

As I walked out of my bedroom, I noticed how my feet aligned perfectly on the tiles with each step. I went to the kitchen and whipped up some eggs on the frypan. Once they were cooked, I sat down at the kitchen island, staring outside. The bright light rising blinded me as it shined among the perfectly aligned rows of trees that were covered in snow. It reflected off the vibrant, perfectly laid, pearl-white snow. My home was nestled in a rural area with forests, a few shops, and a town across the bridge. I snapped out of my daze as I hopped out of my chair and ran quickly towards the smoking eggs. I groaned and felt so hungry that I didn’t have an appetite anymore. I opened my fridge once more and sighed out of disappointment when I realized we were all out of eggs. I walked towards the closet and looked at myself in the mirror as I wore my brown trench coat.

Lyra Moonshadow. I wasn’t fond of my name, it sounded artificial, particularly my last name. I had light brown, wavy, voluminous hair up to my shoulders and I had green eyes. With practiced ease, I quickly buttoned my coat and laced up my shoes. As I got into my car, in my mind, I envisioned the quickest route to the grocery store and I drove through the perfectly shined streets like butter. As I observed the perfectly driven cars and happy faces, my dislike for this town increased. No adventure nor thrill, as everything seemed to be an undisturbed reality. Before I knew it, I parallel-parked like a master and went inside the store. I picked up the necessary items and was relieved as I picked up the last eggs. Certain items seemed to stand out more to me as if they were speaking to me. It made me eager to take a closer look by picking up those items. As I picked up the eggs, I noticed something odd, something very unusual. When I turned around and looked back at the fridge, more eggs appeared out of thin air. I examined this closely and looked around, finding it unusual. A pause occurred in my mind like a brief loading screen until I shrugged off the thought and continued by making my way to the checkout. Turns out, I was the only lethargic soul in this very store as everyone seemed so cheery and full of energy. It sickened me.

“Will that be all today?” The cashier asked me, her smile was abnormal. I could feel a sudden shift in the atmosphere as I talked to the cashier. She was blonde with blue eyes and very pretty. She held a smile on her face which looked as if she was hiding something under it. I paused as I weighed my words and said what felt right.

“Yes. That’ll be all.”

“Perfect.” I scrunch my eyebrows as she scans the items quickly and efficiently.

“Cash or card?” She asked in a synthetic tone.

“Card, please,” I replied, unflattered. I dragged my feet to the machine as I inserted my card. “Thank you, please shop again with us.” The cashier said, grinning.

I didn’t know why, but I stood there, searching for any expression on her face. No light, no expression, just a grin.

“How can I help you?” She asked, shocking me. Without any reply, I took my eggs and walked away. I pondered on why I didn't answer her and why she asked me that. I felt a sense of guilt about why I walked out on her, hoping she didn’t feel too bad. It was as if I hadn’t met on the right level with her. As I sat in my car, I sighed and could feel my head become dizzy from hunger and embarrassment. With a sudden change of mind, I drove to the nearest coffee shop and picked up a small coffee and bagel from the drive-thru. The flavour of the food shot straight to my mind as I drank and ate, causing my energy to suddenly spike as I had just levelled up. In my mind, I thought, task completed, I am full. I looked at the festivities and the decorations held up by everyone. The wreaths, banners, lights. It was all too perfect to be true. Besides the cheery atmosphere, I couldn’t shake off the fact that something didn’t sit right with the world. With my mind in bliss, I heard my phone vibrate against the cup holder. I was receiving a call from my best friend. I smiled when I saw her name on the phone screen and picked it up,

“Hey, girl. What’s up?” I asked, again revising the sentence in my mind and choosing my words carefully.

“Not much. Want to meet up? I’m at Tims Coffee.” My mind lit up as I responded,

“Me too! I’ll see you inside?”

“Sure, see you in a bit.” I hopped out of my car instantly and flew open the coffee shop doors. The shop gave off an aroma of a fireplace and chocolate. It was filled with people talking and holding their drinks. It was a cozy shop with fireplaces and candles. Once I spotted my friend, I greeted her with a smile and as I was about to sit, I paused. She looked at me blankly until I sat down in front of her. Her name was Donna Starfall and I have known her since- well, I’ve known her. “I needed this, desperately,” I told her with a much more energetic tone than this morning. 

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t even know. This town is giving me some weird vibes. Not only that, I feel like I’m doing the same thing every day, stuck in this vicious cycle.”

“Honestly, just think about the good parts of life. Like instead of thinking about the negative aspects, what did you do yesterday that you liked?” Donna was a fairly positive person with a lot of great ideas. She rarely reflected on her choices and enjoyed the good parts of life.

 I looked at her blankly. I pushed my brain hard into trying to remember a single exercise or activity I did yesterday but nothing came to mind. My mind started pulsing as I was once again weighed by words, searching for the right word to say.

“Um- I can’t think of anything. How is that possible?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you're just tired.” Donna replied, as she chuckled and sipped on her coffee. I suddenly felt a close bond with Donna. As if this conversation brought us closer and a new chapter was unlocked in our friendship. I couldn’t tell if she felt the same but I couldn’t explain it so I just smiled and shook off the strange thoughts.

“Anyways, you know my brother? He recently started his program. You can think of it like a simulation. Isn’t it cool?”

“Like a game?” I replied, thinking hard about the word program.

“Yeah, it’s so cool.” We continued to talk about her interests and what she was into lately until it struck noon.

Once our interaction was over, I kept wondering about the cool game Donna’s brother had invented. Inventing programs like that took a great deal of work and it seemed interesting to me. However, thinking about the game only seemed like a distraction as no thought could divert my mind from the odd occurrences that happened and why I couldn't think of anything. I tried remembering about last week and the week before but my mind felt so foggy it started pulsing again. As I drove home, I decided to go on a small stroll around the neighbourhood and like Donna said, to experience some positive memories. 

As I strolled around the white neighbourhood, I discovered a small hill up in the valley. I planned to sit on top of it so I headed my way towards it. As I started climbing, the chilly weather started to hit me and I realized that this hill was much higher than it seemed. I continued to climb and as I decided to turn around, my foot was misplaced and I fell backward, banging my head on a rock. My eyes dimmed out and the last thing I saw was the bright blue sky fading into a black mist.

My eyes fluttered open again, and at first, I thought I was back in my bed, waking up at 6:00 am. However, as I became aware of my surroundings, I realized I was still in the same place I fell. Horrifically, I stood up and gingerly touched my head. My fingers searched for wounds but there were none. Not even a scratch. My pulse quickened and a close sweat broke out on my forehead. I could’ve sworn a few minutes ago I fainted or dropped dead. Curiously, I continued climbing up the hill as if I was trying to accomplish something. Which, I did. Once I finally reached the top of this hill I felt an unspoken sense of pride and hope as if I had just unlocked some sort of achievement in my life. I felt complete. I smiled as I slid down the slippery hill and lay down in the white snow. Just then, my eyes widened as I saw a tree branch almost fall on me. I dodged it with flexible agility and skill. Before the thought occurred to me, I was hit by a sharp pain in my arm as I set it down on a twig. This reminded me that I was not invincible. Nor was I a witch. I breathed out of fear and continued walking on the sidewalk. That was strange. I thought again. This thought came to my mind several times today. 

As I kept walking, I passed by a small area which was labelled “under construction.” When I took a closer look, it was a giant pothole and several construction men grinning and waving at me. The pothole was perfectly circular and there was no dirt to be seen whatsoever. Observing this, my opinion of a very strange atmosphere solidified further. After walking for a while, my mind was constantly racing about my falling, the interaction with the cashier, and the pothole, until I bumped into something and bounced back. I looked around yet there was nothing in front of me. I walked again yet was bounced back. I was puzzled and tried touching whatever shield was blocking me. Suddenly, a horrific thought occurred to me. Forcefield? It can’t be. I didn’t want to be trapped. 

A sudden wave of panic washed over me, making me feel suffocated in my world. I ran back quickly and raced towards the forcefield. To no surprise, I was bounced back with little force and tears started swelling up in my eyes. I ran back towards home and jumped on my computer. Hunger. I was feeling hungry again and my stomach rumbled, dragging me out of my chair. I turned on the stove and sat back down at my desk. I stood determined and searched for clues and ideas as to why all of this might be happening and why there was a forcefield in the middle of our world. 

Sweat dripped down my forehead as my fingers casually tapped all the correct letters on my keyboard. I was getting annoyed by it and tried hard to make a mistake. No matter how hard I tried, that “backspace” button started collecting dust. Magic…Harry Potter…Therapy? No search matched up with the ideas that I was looking for, as I aggressively searched for more concepts that could make sense. Nothing. It was at that moment that I realized I made a grave mistake. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a blazing light erupt in my kitchen. You can infer that I was not the best in the kitchen nor was cooking a skill I would like to improve on. I rushed to the kitchen and saw a massive fire consume my kitchen. Out of panic, I hurriedly rushed back to my bedroom, searching for my phone as the fire spread quickly, trapping me. The fire grew so massive that it surrounded me from all sides with no escape. Within a few minutes of horror, I closed my eyes, enduring the horrible pain I felt.

***

Once again, I woke up with my mind dizzy. Laying on what felt like a cloud, I swung my heavy legs off the bed unconsciously. Just when I snapped back into reality, I tried recalling what happened before. I quickly took a slow, trembling look at my hands and tumbled to the mirror to look at my face. No burns, no bruises… nor did my house disintegrate into ashes. I clutched my hair in confusion and thought I was stuck in some sort of curse. Suddenly, I felt like distancing myself from everyone. It was as if everyone was against me. The hunger in my stomach pierced me like a knife, dragging myself across the kitchen and simply picking an apple out of the fridge. As I ate it, my foggy mind was cleared and I felt energized once again. However, it didn’t sit right with me. I threw on my coat and jacket and ran outside towards the giant forcefield once more. I passed by the hill, the pothole and finally once I was at the forcefield, I bounced back instantly, falling on the ground. I pushed and pushed with my hands and screamed, putting all of my force in this shield.

Before I knew it, I had fallen forward into a black room. My heart dropped and my adrenaline raced as I was dropped many feet down. I yelled and looked up seeing my magical words fade into a blur. I shut my eyes and touched the ground lightly as if I had defied gravity. I opened my eyes a little bit and I jumped back, seeing only a man in a top hat staring at me. It was a dark black room with only a small monitor and a man. I took a look at the monitor and my heart dropped to my gut quickly, tying my stomach into a knot and making me feel sick.

“Great. Your user’s program is down.” The man said sarcastically. All I could see were his blue eyes, he was wearing a dark suit and a large, blue, top hat. 

“Who are you?” I asked as the words came out smoothly, not like before.

“You aren’t supposed to be here, Lyra.” The man replied in an eerie and unsettling tone.

“How do you know who I am?” The words came out of my mouth very quickly, making the man grin. I assumed he knew I was terrified and nervous. “I know who everyone is.” He replied again.

“What is this place? I know what you’ve done.” I asked and stated anxiously, stepping closer to him. The monitor showed many codes and many screens. Cameras of children and pictures of us. “If you know, then you wouldn’t mind if I sent you back up there, now would you? After all, you're on level 7 already. Your user is quite disappointed.” He said in a low voice.

“No. I’m done playing your game.” Literally. I thought in frustration. I ran to the monitor as he held up his hands and punched the man in his face. As the man relentlessly tried taking the monitor away from me, I managed to click on my profile and hovered over the giant red button. My hand shook and I was using one hand to keep the man away from me. 

“You know what? Fine. Do it. Let's see if your character lives up to your personality.” The GameMaster stood there with his arms crossed as a sinister grin grew on his face again. I could feel my sweat drip as I knew this was all one sick joke. I was being played into my life, not knowing what I would do. I had to do it. With great courage, I clicked the mouse on the delete button and I could feel my body slowly fade. I dropped to the ground and I could feel the life slowly fade from my eyes. 

As my eyes faded, I saw one last thing hovering over me. In big, red, bold letters the word GAME OVER haunted me.