Log one: Stuck in my Thoughts

Hello. I'm not exactly sure what to write in these things. It's my first time writing in a journal. I think most people usually write about stuff that happened throughout their day and talk about what they thought of it or something, but I had different intentions when I first started this. Back when I was younger, one of my teachers wanted us to write at least one hundred words after half an hour. He would give us prompts like stories and stuff to write our opinions about and such or just let us write whatever's on our mind to clear whatever is bugging us. He told us that “sometimes writing down what's stuck in your mind will help ease the tension”. A few years later and I'm back at it again all because of that one phrase I was told. I should visit him at some point and thank him for the idea and not making me feel as stupid for starting this for my own purposes. Recently, I've had a lot on my mind. I try not to let it bother me because they're just thoughts and daydreams that aren't real and it's just stuff that gets into my head. I don’t even tell people about what’s going on in my mind because I’m afraid they’ll think I’m weird or think I’ll need some sort of help like a therapist or something. Yet, for some reason, my thoughts and daydreams became recurring and even transferred into my dreams. It's almost like someone or something is trying to send me a message, telling me what to do. I'm not exactly understanding why I'm being told this stuff or why it's on my mind all the time. I mean, maybe it has something to do with my future. When I was younger, I always had a thing for music and always wanted to be that person working in a studio, rocking it on stage, and spreading smiles across the world. Yet, as time went on, I tried to expand my interests since it only felt like I had music in my life. Though, the rest of the things I tried to get into were still surrounded by music. I wanted to be an architect to create buildings and sets for those in music videos. I wanted to be a director because I see pictures when listening to music. I wanted to be a dancer because of how the music made me feel and how I would see motions in my head when listening to music or any sound in general even. I even wanted to be a poet or even a writer in general just because I liked to rhyme things and write stories. Now I'm here, still wondering what to do with my life. In my head, I see visions of me in music videos as I compose rhythms in my head that I can't afford to make into reality. I even have daydreams of me sitting in on interviews about my music or me meeting people that I've longed to meet for so long. Now I'm creating scenarios in my sleep about the same things except I seem more terrified each time. Almost like I can't escape. I feel trapped, pinned down by this one thing and it won't let me go until I give it what it wants. Sometimes it's hard to talk to yourself in your head especially when you have multiple thoughts running around your head faster than the speed of light. For some reason, I thought, "Hey, why don't I write what I'm thinking and see if this helps clear my mind of what I love slowly becoming my number one fear." Hopefully, this works. One thing I will say though is when I listen to music, my smile returns. Music seems to be my happy pill. I wonder why I can listen to music feeling a spark throughout my body, but become scared when thinking of myself pursuing music. Maybe I’m just scared to see myself being that happy? Or maybe I’m just scared to fall in love, but it’s all I can think of with everyone always talking about their relationships and telling me to find my own partner and that I can’t live a life without one. I wish I could go back to the days where I wouldn't be able to just sit looking emotionless at nothing. I want to go back to when I didn’t talk to myself and listen to no one around me because my daydreams became realistic and I would leave reality to deal with a nonexistent problem.I want to go back to the days where people wouldn’t ask me if I was alright or what’s wrong because I would zone out into a scenario I was once pleased with and now scares and disappoints me. I want to go back to the days I would have the motivation to be creative and get up and be active and not let whatever I have in my head drag me from what I wish to accomplish. You ever wonder, what's the point of thinking if it only tortures us more than we already feel like we are? I kind of wonder if there are other people like me. Can't escape their recurring thoughts and ignore others because the only problem they have is what goes on in their head. Sometimes I feel alone, but that's probably because I neglect my friends not wanting to talk about my problems or deal with theirs feeling like I'm adding more to my own. Why do I let my thoughts control me? Hopefully, this helps my thoughts die down at least the smallest bit. I can't keep holding onto them like nothing's there. What was once a place for me to escape to is a place I now want to leave. I'm just wishing I'll get a full night's rest tonight. I can’t go another night waking up multiple times in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes because I can’t handle what my mind is showing me. Transferring my thoughts to paper might help out a lot more. I guess I’ll call this my therapy journal since I’m practically doing what would happen in a therapy session at least from what I’ve heard from those who go to them. I don't exactly know how to end one of these things so see you tomorrow I guess? I'll be back to check in tomorrow... if there's still a sign of me being sane.