La Terrible Madre

Themes of violence and self-harm

At 8:30 AM the alarm clock went off, her cell phone buzzed and she saw the dead man on the floor.  

Edipa blinked against the sunlight pouring in from the window of the front room. She was nauseous, and her head rang with a vibrant ache.  She put her head back down on the couch, only a dream-

 She abruptly sat up, she was on the couch, in her fiancé's house. She had to pick him up at the airport, and -   

Her eyes squeezed shut. She twisted her head and then opened her eyes and there he was, collapsed, bent at an unnatural angle, the tubes from the oxygen tank loose around his neck, his face blue and waxy, Louis, her future father in-law. What had she done? Paulie is going to kill her.  

He was an asshole, Paulie. She met him in graduate school. A few years older, he acted like he owned the entire campus.   She had fought and scraped to finally get enough money to go, working nights to keep up with the tuition.  She was finally on the path to her life’s dream of becoming a teacher.  Paulie and his friends were in her class, and did not seem to care about any of it. The jokes and comments that had plagued her throughout her life had followed her here.   She grimaced and tried to focus on the Professor, his lecture on Sophocles.  It was not her fault she looked like she did. Raised in foster care until she was eight, adopted finally by the Steins, a devout Jewish couple in  Riverside.  She never thought she wasn't Jewish, but she knew she did not look like any of the Jewish kids in her Synagogue. Tall and dark-skinned, her dark bronze complexion was offset by her blonde hair.  She tried to hide her looks, her hair in class, she knew from experience the attention only caused her trouble.   Her thick blonde hair tied back in a tight low bun, she wore her turtle-shell glasses with clear glass in the frames.  Her baggy sweater and long skirt obscured her figure. But somehow the boys knew, they smelled it maybe, a beautiful woman who wanted to be known for her intellect.    

To Edipa’s dismay she saw Paulie again in her discussion session, and assigned to work on the same book, Oedipus Rex.  

“We should meet to discuss the essay assignment.” Paulie said with a crooked smile.  More more shy without his companions, and being short, she felt she could toss him aside if he acted inappropriately. Despite herself she liked him and he was gorgeous, well tanned from spending all his time outside, his skin tone close to hers.  

They met the next day, and expecting to do all the work, she had read through the Prologue of the play, something about a plague. 

Paulie had read the whole thing and had good suggestions on the topic. A man who actually worked! His mind was sharp and quick, his stories funny.

Soon she learned that they had many things in common. Paulie had a tough childhood, his  parents' drug- fueled relationship filled their lives with violence until his mother had finally left them for good when he was just two. Raised by his father, Louis, Paulie still lived with him though now he took care of him as dementia and COPD racked his thin body.  

There are two kinds of people, Edipa thought, those who had grown up with ease and comfort, dipped in a protective covering, and those who didn't, exposed to the world.  Paulie understood what it was like to be exposed and have to fight for every little thing. 

When Paulie proposed, showing he wanted her, Edipa cried.  She finally had a real family, a husband, and even a father in-law.  Edipa moved into Paulie’s house. She even landed her dream job, teaching English at a small private school, Mills college in Oakland.

Maybe it was Edipa’s joy in finding a family, maybe it was the wedding, maybe it was the failing health of his father, the specter of death roaming the hallways of his home.  Paulie needed to find his mother.

Searching for hours on Ancestry.com and MyHeritage, he finally uploaded his DNA to 23andMe to find a connection.  He had long calls with men and women from all over California and the US regarding  his mom, Jo. Until finally he had a lead. 

Paulie found a woman, maybe the same Jo, had gone to Riverside, and worked as a waitress at a restaurant called Hampton’s.  Her family remembered for her legendary beauty, her ‘spanish’ accent and her dark skin. 

Edipa did not know why the past was so important to Paulie. They were building a family of their own, but she encouraged him anyway.  Paulie would fly to LA to meet a potential family member.  Edipa would take care of Louis, and then pick Paulie the next day.

She waited until Paulie had left to take the test. Fear of being pregnant and how her life would change spun in her mind, against the possibility of loss if what she felt in her body was something else. 

She practically leapt through the house, dancing and twirling, pure joy coursed through her.  She had to share the news with someone, and Louis stood in the kitchen, slowly cutting an apple while oxygen tubes snaked around his head and chest before they rounded down to the tank next to him. 

“You are going to be a grandfather!”  

His body stiffened, she saw his thin hands clench spasmodically as he turned to her, his gaze sharp and focused.

I know who you are!” His eyes wide and bloodshot.  “You look just like her- you’re corrupting my son, an unholy alliance!” Louis took a step toward her, the knife gripped in his blue-vein corded hands.

She moved back in fear, she had never been alone with Louis when his memory failed like this. Paulie had always stepped in.  

“-No, I am Eidpa, Paulie’s girlfriend, I live here now-” 

“You are my daughter and you need to get away from him, stay away, a child will be an abomination!” Louis yelled, spittle flying from his mouth.

“Daughter-in-law.” Edipa said, “I think you just need your meds-”

She grabbed a medicine bottle, recognizing the container of pills Paulie gave Louis to calm him down.  “Here take this-”  She scrambled to open it, and pushed a handful of pills at him across the counter. 

Louis raised the knife even further. Edipa stared at it’s sharp point, the serrated edge-  

“Stop!" she yelled. " You are confused-” She stepped back.

At her shout, Louis blinked and looked around. He put the knife down and felt the oxygen tubes running over face. 

“Confused about what?  Where am I?” he asked.

“Take these pills. Everything will be better soon.” 

“I have some big news Paulie!”  Edipa gushed on the phone that night, absentmindedly moving the pill containers around on the kitchen counter.  “But I want to tell you in person.”

The bottles were not all the same, they all had different colored labels.  “I'll see you tomorrow morning at the airport.” She looked through the containers, not sure which she handed out, reading the labels warning against over doses.  How many did he take?

Edipa had everything she wanted. A growing family, a job she loved as a teacher, and a purpose.  Everything that she dreamed about back in the foster home.  That evening she looked in on Louis who grunted at her intrusion,  before she set her alarm to wake her up in time to get Paulie from the airport.  Edipa settled into the couch to watch a movie.  She had never been happier in her life.    

At 8:30 AM she woke up to the horror of Louis’s slumped body on the floor.  She felt for a pulse but one touch of the ice cold body told her what she already knew. Louis was dead.  Edipa called Paulie, but it went directly to voicemail, he was in the air.  She could not leave a message like this.  She dialed 911, but hung up when someone answered, apologizing for a wrong number.  How would she answer their questions about the pills she gave him?  She could not believe her future father-in law was no longer alive. She had too much good in her life.  How does she tell Paulie that his father is dead, it is her fault?   He will end their engagement, kick her out of the house. Her perfect life will be over, and she will go back where she started, by herself, with no one.

 “No!” She yelled. She turned the gas stove on and threw water on the flame, putting it out.   She lit a candle and placed it on the other side of the kitchen.   Doors and windows shut tight,  She grabbed the keys to the car, and left.  

She gripped the steering wheel, the sleeves of her shirt soaked from wiping the tears from her face.  She breathed in, working to calm her racing heart.

She saw his small figure at the airport arrival gate and her stomach flipped, she swallowed hard not to throw up.  It hurt her to look at his easy smile, so buoyant and beautiful.  She made one last swipe of her sleeve against her eyes and slipped on her sunglasses.

“How was the trip?” She said in her cheeriest voice.  “Did you get to meet your cousin? 

“Oh my goodness it was fantastic!” Paulie grinned from ear to ear.  “My mom had a whole other family, my half brothers and sisters!”   She changed her name back to her maiden name, Jocasta Perez, with a z, not an s- that is why I couldn’t find her. She was born in Colombia, although they didn’t know anything about me or my Dad.  She even had another daughter she gave up for adoption.  We are planning a family reunion, in the fall. Let me tell you about my half-sister...” 

Edipa tuned Paulie out, her mind spinning.  Louis was dead and is was her fault. But, he was old,  and would just be in the way when her baby was born.  The baby!  The thought pushed everything else out of her mind. She was going to be a mother.  That was what was important.   She loved Paulie so much, loved their life together.  

“Paulie, there is something-”  Eidpa started, then didn't know how to go on.  

“What?”  Paulie looked up and pointed ahead. “Something is going on at the house! I see lights, go faster-” Paulie banged on the dashboard.

Pulling up to the house, an ambulance was out front, Ms. Julie, their elderly neighbor stood outside wringing her hands.

“Paulie, Paulie- something happened to Louis!” The old woman said.

Paulie turned to Edipa. “Was everything all right when you left?”

Edipa did not know how to answer.  “I think-”

Before she could finish Paulie had jumped out of the car and was racing into his house.

Edipa slowly got out and Ms. Julie walked quickly over. 

"I had extra doughnuts so I brought them over to Louis, but when I looked through the window, he was on the ground and I called 911-

“Oh I think he might be dead!"

Fear raced up the back of Edipa’s neck, freezing her in place.  She would have to explain what happened to Louis.   She walked in and saw Paulie speaking with the ambulance staff, they pointed at the stove.  Paulie waved at her to wait as he went over to his father's prone body.

Not knowing what else to do, she stepped in kitchen to listen to the voicemail on her cell phone from the earlier call.

"Hello this is Aubrey from Holy Family Services.    You had asked about the name of your biological mother.  We looked up your file, and it was an open adoption so we can tell you. Her name was Jocasta Perez. She lived in Riverside, and was originally from Bogota, Colombia. Please let us know if you have any further questions.  Thank you."

Jocasta Perez. 

The story fell in place in her mind.  Edipa looked over at her brother, kneeling over the body of their dead father.  

The answer was in front of her on the counter, still there next to the apple pieces.  

Edipa put the sharp edge of the knife against her wrist and pulled.