To Never feel You Really Belong

To live in a world where you know you are, yet you know you are not.

To have many friends that never actually met you or even know you exist. The ones who make you feel a part of something from a distance, and you sulk at the idea of even going to hang with them because you know you are not their friend, and you never will be.

To never belong to any group or cliche, to never know where you stand with most, and they will talk about you as soon as you leave the room.

The harsh whispers, the glares and stares of their beady eyes following you as you walk away. The rumors and gossip fly by you like bullets of two warring groups vying for dominance over the other.

You try to ignore and pay no attention, but the knives placed in your back are forced deeper until they pierce through the heart, your heart that is still healing from earlier hurt. You are no aware of their true intentions nor their words of deceit that will cut you repeatedly and deeper each time.

You sway to the music as it eerily becomes more droned and flatlined. It causes you to scream and feel helpless while the death rhythm is beating on the drums in your inner ear. You are become less willing to fight it and more too willing to do its bidding.

You know that people cannot make you do or say anything about anyone else much less about yourself unless you allow them to rent space out in your mind. It is with a heavy heart you allow your ears to become the victim first, then you allow their splicing heavy evil word to be repeated, then you start to join them in their chants that will weaken you with one final defeating blow.

Then the almost lost voice inside you says, "How can you allow these people to make you feel helpless and useless?" "These same people who claim to be your friends, are smiling at you when you their pawn and they believe they have made you weak."

"Why would you be that easy and willing to become one more dead person in their web of lies and self-destruction?" "Are you not true to thine own self first?" "Are you not truly a victor instead of a victim, as they would lead you to believe?"

With a new vigorous bravery, you spring up as though you ate your spinach and found your last breath, to only fall back down and landing on your back, you feel dejected and frail. Too weak to continue the fight and not brave enough or man enough to admit defeat.

To acknowledge you are not as feeble and not as easily offended by anything that is negative, you bow to pressure and consider them correct in the ways they make you feel.

It was like this in the beginning. It was like this when you first met people your own age. It was like throughout your life from childhood to adulthood. You were shunned and you were belittled and berated. "What because you were different?" "Because you could compare or compete with those who saw your being there a distraction?" "How can they only find your flaws and your faults to be the only things they see and remind you about?"

"Is it not true that when others look for the negative or the bad things in you, they are trying to draw attention away from their own flaws and faults?"

This is where the fine line drawn in the sand is not for them to be a part of, but more like they want others to only judge you what they say to others and how they describe you or are describe by others to those who may or may not care.

It is the one person that starts things going, a snowball that grows into a boulder size problem that was pushed by them to make sure your growth stops, and your dreams are shattered.

To make you the bullseye target of their own lack of dealing with the things they claim will bring out the worst in them, whether they see you or not.

The attack may become more aggressive and definitely undeserving. The moments span out not in seconds or minutes, but more like weeks, months, and years. They are endless, relentless and deep cutting. They not only tear you down, but they also grind up the finely broken pieces into dust powder. They break your spirit, they break your soul, they break your heart, your mind and they cause you unseen pain and suffering.

You feel less than happy. You lose your ability to reach out and bounce back. Your fear of many things stems from the first word spoken or words heard when you were no longer sure of your own identity.

You lose your confidence, and you hope vanishes. You begin to doubt yourself, and you retract into a corner covered by a black cloud of despair. You begin to wonder what your reason or your purpose for being here, living this life.

You look at you in the mirror and trying to regain composure, you try to self-talk your way out of this belief and these thoughts, hoping there is a lifeline to be found to rescue you.

You sigh and slumping over you are once more shoved further into the world you created out of the negativity and hatred you are presented as your new form of building blocks.

You want to belong here, but where exactly is here and why are you still here standing frozen by the ties that bind you presented by those who could care less whether you live or die.

To go it alone is at least worth the time in trying and to learn to believe in yourself again.

The line, "I don't belong here, is true when it makes you feel less of who you are as a human being." And the line, "Don't mind me." is a way of saying you do not want to be seen because you may feel you are not welcome in the first place.

"To struggle with yourself and in finding out who you are and where you belong, will come with trying and discovery. You can allow others to be the ones who give you a false identity and even more false sense of worth, or you can stand up and make yourself a place where you know you belong and are there because YOU want to be."