"The Wedding"

This is the story of Harry and his friends and how they made it to their best friend’s wedding on time. Harry had a habit of not planning ahead and was on his way to the church in his old red car when he ran out of gas. Because of the frequency of these occasions, Harry always kept a jerry jug handy in the trunk. He had it in his hand as he walked up to the checkout counter at the gas station down the street from the dead vehicle. Sifting through the pockets of his father’s old gray suit jacket, he pulled out a twenty and asked the cashier for a pack of cigarettes. 

When he walked outside he remembered that it was quite a walk he had taken to the gas station. He was beginning to unwrap the new pack of cigarettes when a large white SUV pulled up next to him. 

“Still running out of gas there, buddy?” the man behind the wheel called out. He had on a pair of gigantic, tinted brown sunglasses and a beige suit that was so big you could barely tell where his body was. Sandy blonde hair wafted above his forehead. 

“Here and there. But not as much,” Harry answered. They both smiled a sly smile that held within them timeless stories. “It’s good to see you, Tony.”

“Likewise, my friend. You need a lift to this wedding?”

“My car is right down the road here.”

“I don’t think you’re gonna make it on time buddy. Also, what do you mean? I don’t even see your car.”

“I thought I only walked right down the street...”

“Get in, pal.”

So the two of them rode in Tony’s aunt’s old Chevy Trailblazer. The wedding was at three o’clock and it was currently two-fifteen and they were about thirty minutes away from the church. One would think that would be plenty of time to arrive promptly, but not on this day and not for these friends. The traffic was light as the blazer cruised through the residential streets. At one point, the pair had to pass through the central hub of town where traffic was heavier. 

At a red light, they both nearly leapt from the car as a loud bang shook them both and the car. A small man had slid across the hood of their car in his underwear and was running full speed down the street with a very thin woman in a pink robe chasing after him with a broom over her head.

“You son of a beetch! Give me my money you pig!” she screamed as she chased the man in vain. Harry noticed she was smoking a cigarette while doing all of this and was impressed for a moment. The two watched in awe until Tony spoke.

“Hey, doesn’t that look like-”

After they made it through town, they found the half naked man catching his breath and clothing himself in an alley around the corner from the movie theater. Tony and Harry recognized Danny immediately.

“Fellas! What a lucky surprise! Hey, do either of you have an extra tie? That hooker tried to strangle me with mine and it ripped in half,” Danny said as he tried to pop one of his shoes through the bottom of his pant leg. His suit was a navy blue but looked gray with dust and was wrinkled all over. Thin black hair hung over his eyes. 

“You need to find yourself a girlfriend,” Tony said.

“I agree,” said Harry. 

“That bitch was revved up, huh? I went home with her last night after she told me she had some booger sugar. Turned out it was fake. Being the gentleman I am, I gallantly set off to find this swindler and restore honor to the prostitute’s name. I convinced him to give me the real stuff with a pair of pliers but he ended up following me back to her house. We were throwing haymakers for a while until I managed to lock him in her closet. That’s when she told me he was her pimp and then the tie thing happened.”

Harry and Tony looked at each other then Harry said, “I don’t think they’re going to let you in the church, Danny.” 

So the three of them drove onward, Tony and Harry in the front and Danny stretched out across the back seat staring out through the sunroof. 

“Are there any girls we know going to this thing?” Danny asked. 

“I think Stacy Ramirez is going,” said Tony. 

Danny retorted in disgust and sat up in the back seat. 

“Please tell me you think more of me than that. Half the guys we went to school with rode that bus.”

“Tiffany Davis will be there. I saw her at the hardware store,” said Harry.

“What were you doing at the hardware store?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re useless. Tiffany Davis though. Is she single?” Danny looked back up at the ceiling as if imagining it. 

“Danny, how’s work going?” Tony chimed in and Danny shrunk back in the chair.

“Who needs work when the government pays you to sit on your ass?”

“You got fired?”

“I quit.”

“Did you fail another drug test?”

“The fake piss Morretti gave me didn’t work. I knew it tasted like lemonade.”

There was now fifteen minutes left until the wedding. Angst began overtaking the trio as the car seemed to be moving slower than ever. 

“Does this shitbucket move any faster? Greg’s going to kill us. Greg’s mom is going to kill us. That woman still hates me for breaking the penis off her statue of David in third grade.”

“I remember that,” Harry said. 

“Don’t worry, fellas. We’re gonna make it,” Tony said with his eyes confidently on the road ahead. Slowly, his head began to turn to the right. As his head turned, the car slowed until he was fully stopped, staring past Harry through the passenger window.

“Do you all see that?” he asked.

“I see it but I don’t think it’s real,” said Harry.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” said Danny. 

On the sidewalk next to them and just a few yards ahead was a man dressed in a brown tweed suit. The suit was so small on him that the pant legs crawled up to his kneecaps and the blazer looked like he’d rolled up the sleeves. His back was turned but the three in the car knew who it was right away. They would have continued driving too had it not been for the small child holding his hand walking alongside him. The child was also wearing a suit, but it was enormous. The pink pant legs and sleeves dragged on the concrete behind them. 

“Harold, is that you?” Tony called from the rolled down window. 

The large man in the tweed suit turned over his shoulder and smiled. He gathered up the small child in a big rose bundle in his arms.

“Anthony. Harry. Daniel. My friends.”

“Where in the fucking world did you get a child?”

“We learned about this in school, Danny,” said Harry. 

“Oh! This is Felipe,” Harold said beaming at the small boy.

“Felipe? You’re Irish, you dimwit,” said Danny, laughing.

“Hi, Felipe,” said Harry, waving. Cars were slowing down behind them.

“I saw you at the bar two weeks ago. You didn’t say anything about Felipe,” said Tony. 

“It’s a funny story,” Harold smiled. “So I was working one night, just packing up the truck for the day’s deliveries. I was very sleepy that morning and everyone else finished before me. I dropped one of the boxes and wouldn’t you know, a bottle of bourbon was in it! A whole dang bottle. I was afraid of getting in trouble for breaking the box so I reasoned the only sensible thing to do was get rid of the box and drink the liquor.”

“Naturally.”

“Of course.”

“I would have done the same thing.”

“Right? Plus, I figured whoever was getting the bottle was probably receiving it for a special occasion. He probably did something cool like invent something or became mayor. I mean, it was a nice bottle. He probably would have wanted it sealed nice and neatly. So if I drank it, they’d have to re-do it all perfect and such.” 

“I’m glad we’re friends, Harold.”

“Thanks, Harry. So anyway, I sat in the back of the truck with the deliveries and drank as fast as I could until there was nothing left. Only problem was I don’t remember what I did with the bottle. I woke up later on someone’s porch and Felipe here was wrapped up in my arms. He had some note on him but it was in Spanish and I couldn’t read it. So I named him Felipe and took him home.”

“You’re an absolute psychopath,” Danny said.

“Congrats on becoming a dad! I will have to remember to buy him a nice baby gift,” said Harry. 

Danny looked at his watch and realized they had just five minutes to make it to the wedding. 

“Get in the car. Bring Felipe. We’re all going to be late. Greg is going to kill us.”

“Greg’s mom is going to kill us,” Danny said. 

“Do you have a child seat?”

When they arrived at the church, they were ten minutes late. Tony didn’t even search for a parking space and pulled right up to the doors of the church with tires squealing. Inside, the pues were packed with patrons who thought they were about to witness a wedding. Greg had instructed everyone to wait just a bit longer, for he knew his friends must be on their way. People were beginning to buzz and rumors about the wedding being called off swirled about. Outside the tall and archaic doors, the four friends huddle together. 

“Alright, we’re late and we look awful, boys. We’re just going to go in quietly and sneak into a pue in the back,” directed Tony as he adjusted his oversized sunglasses. 

“I look great,” said Danny.

“Sorry, I couldn’t find that tie,” said Harry.

“Where is your belt, Harry?” asked Harold. 

“Oh man.”

“Listen. This is serious. Our buddy is getting married. We need to be respectful,” said Danny. 

“We’re always respectful,” said Danny. “How can you get more respectful than taking in a kid out of the goodness of your heart?” Harold smiled proudly and looked down for Felipe but he was gone. 

“Felipe? Felipe?! Harry? Did you see him?!”

“I think he might have gone that way,” Harry said and pointed to the now partially opened doors of the church. 

Felipe had sauntered his way into the church and directly down the aisle. He stumbled most of the way but gave up and began crawling when he tripped over one of his satin sleeves. The people in the pues laughed, cried, stared in horror and confusion at the small child’s procession. When he finally reached the wedding party standing on the steps to the altar, one of the bridesmaids gasped. 

“Jimmy?!” she shrieked in shock and horror as the baby perked his head up to look at her. The church was silent. The bridesmaid moved as if she was going to the child but her body went limp and she fainted and rolled down the steps and laid there in front of the child. Later on at the reception, she would tell the story of how the child had been stolen from her while in line at the gas station the week prior. She was going to checkout and turned her back for a second and when she looked back, only a bottle of Jim Beam sat in the stroller. Tears streamed down her face as she rejoiced at being reunited with her baby boy. 

“So is that your wife, Harold?” Harry asked.

During all of the commotion at the church, Tony, Harry, Danny and Harold managed to sneak in just as Tony had instructed. The four of them sat back and watched the spectacle as if they had been there the whole time. When Greg saw them, he smiled and gave the green light for the wedding to begin with the bridesmaid still passed out on the steps. 

“Do you think we look okay?” Harry asked the group as they sat waiting for the ceremony.

In front of them, an old woman turned around in her seat and spoke to them in a whiny voice.

“I’m just glad you idiots are here. He wouldn’t start the damn thing without you fiendish looking buffoons.”

And they all smiled happily then and Harry forgot about forgetting his belt.

At the reception, the friends reunited in the most grandiose fashion to date. They drank by the bucket and each of them had their own journey that night. Tony forced his way into the band when he punched out their lead singer. Harry forgot where they were staying and walked all the way back to sleep in his car. Danny got slapped in the face by Tiffany Davis but made amends with Greg’s mother and spent the night in her hotel room. Harold tried to steal Felipe again and Felipe’s mother reported him to the police as a suspect in his kidnapping the next day. Greg smoked a cigar and cried in the bathroom when he realized he was married. The next morning, the five of them had forgotten a lot but all remembered that they had a good time and that they were together.