What we could have had

Author's note: Based on true events, names have been changed

Fog rolled in and covered the wide country lawn with a thick dense layer as birds chittered, trilled and fluttered throughout the treetops. Myriam awoke, and did her best not to disturb Ahmad as she turned towards him, rustling the sheets as she did so. Over the past few years she made a habit of watching him sleep, so blissful and content, she loved tracing the contours of his face with her eyes. She was still unsure if he knew she did this or not, a couple times she thought Ahmad caught her but they were false alarms, he would unknowingly scratch his face or talk in his sleep, startling her. 

Whether or not he knew she didn't care because she loved him, she always did, since the day they met, and he knew it. Besides, she thought, 'even if he did know, it would be just like him to pretend he didn't, he would let her have this gesture of love.'

This morning, however, she knew he was still fast asleep, but to reassure herself she slowly and gently outlined the outer edge of his eye socket down to the cheek bone with her thumb, careful not to rest her palm and fingers on him. She didn't want to wake him because she had a couple surprises that she had been saving specifically for this morning. 

Myriam slowly lifted the covers and crept down under them until her face was level with Ahmad's hips, luckily for her he slept naked, making the first surprise all that much easier. She spread his legs, made herself comfortable in between them and began fulfilling a task that was well deserved and long overdue.

Exhausted with so much work to be done in the office and taking care of the kids upon arriving home, Myriam and Ahmad didn't have much time to themselves. So this day, the first morning of their week-long vacation at their friends' cottage and Ahmad's birthday, without a doubt, had to be special.

Now wide awake, Ahmad let out a sigh of relief as he finished. Myriam cleaned herself before emerging to lay next to her husband, looking him in the eyes.

"Happy birthday my love!" She said gently and excitedly with a smile.

"I love you Myriam!" His accent caused her to giggle inside and his serious, piercing eyes seemingly looked deep into her soul. "You've been so good to me and have given me so much," he paused, "taught me so much." Two years her minority, he placed his hand on her cheek and began to caress her face as he leaned toward her to give her a long kiss on the forehead. 

"I love you too Asa'." She said with a smile and look of admiration. Asa' was her nickname for him, it is a shortened form of the Arabic word for lion, the month of which he was born. She loved it because it described him perfectly.

"I am going to paint!" He exclaimed enthusiastically. He turned over, got out of bed and began to get dressed.

"I'll go make breakfast, I'm famished." Myriam copied Ahmad's movements almost exactly as she too got out of bed.

She made cheese and egg quesadillas, some sprinkled with thyme and some with honey, a simple yet hearty take on an Arab breakfast dish Ahmad had once made her. Within a matter of 25 minutes she set the table, complete with tea just the way Ahmad loved it. There was no time to waste if she was to give Ahmad his second surprise.

"Asa' breakfast!" She shouted, her voice echoing as it travelled down the narrow, hardwood floored corridors of the small cottage and out the backdoor to the lawn where Ahmad had set up his easel.

"This is delicious!....Thank you Myr!" He took a few sips of the piping hot tea before speaking again. "I remember when I first made this for you. You ate and drank more than I did! I watched you as you did so and I remember thinking, 'She is so beautiful'." Ahmad gazed at Myriam playfully, he knew she wasn't fond of his sentimentalist nature but he also knew that in a way she loved it too.

She blushed as a smile formed and chuckled, "Shut up ya' goof!"

They looked at each other laughing for a moment.

"Now finish up." Myriam said, still chuckling slightly. "We have a long day ahead of us, we're going hiking remember and I want you to bring your easel and canvas."

Ten minutes into the hike Ahmad fell behind as he stopped to look at an interesting flower Myriam had overlooked. As he caught up with her he thought about how they met and how easy it was to converse with her on a deeper level, after she warmed up to him that is.

"Hey Myr?" He said inquisitively.

"Yes Asa'?"

"Do you remember the night we met?"

"Like it was yesterday, you know that. It was one of the best nights of my life, I've told you this before." She peered at him questioningly. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I was just recalling how easily we connected on a deeper level. How easy it was to talk about the "bigger scope" of life and events and how I had never had that with anybody until I met you." He gently intertwined his fingers with hers and firmly squeezed, like he never wanted to let go.

"Yes I remember that! It's why I feel in love with you that night, because I had never experienced that with anyone either." She looked at him and smiled big, her eyes glistening with genuine love and happiness. "You know, that night I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I went to your place not knowing who you were nor what you really looked like. On my way there I kept telling myself, 'this is a one night thing. Yes you had a really good, intelligent and arousing conversation with this guy online and you might really like him but do not, and I mean it Myriam, do not get attached', needless to say I left attached and in love. I went home and had one of the longest and most intense masturbation sessions of my life. Then I spent the next six months after trying to convince myself that I was not in love, but after each visit I left more in love with you, six months of torturing myself just to succumb to the truth anyways. Can you believe that!"

Ahmad looked at her wide-eyed with shock and intrigue. "Why is this the first time I am hearing this? He said with a curious, demanding tone.

"Honestly, I don't know. Perhaps this specific conversation, about this specific moment of our history together, was meant for right now on this hike."

"Possibly." Ahmad said acceptingly. "You know, I was kinda the same way." 

"Really?!"

"Yeah." He said matter of factly. "When I asked you over I intended for it to be a one time thing. The next day I flew home to visit family for a few weeks and didn't start thinking about you again much until you asked me how my trip was going. 'How sweet', I thought. I didn't think much of it until a few weeks after being back home, when, out of the blue I began wondering how you were doing and I wanted to see you again, I had come to miss you." He paused, reminiscing. "After we started meeting regularly I couldn't get enough of you and I too tried to convince myself that I wasn't in love, that what we had was just a lustful relationship, but the more we talked the more my feelings changed. Then I too eventually gave into them and just when I let down my emotional guard you called it off." Ahmad paused, looked down, then looked up at Myriam who was looking back at him.

"I'm ashamed about that and I felt so awful." She continued in a somber tone. "I wanted so badly to continue our relationship but I was doing what I thought was best for my kids and us at the time. I wish it could have been…"

Ahmad cut in sharply, at that point he knew what she was going to say, he knew her well enough. 

"Myriam!"

She looked at him, sadness was beginning to define her face, she didn't like to talk about that time, it was a very unpleasant point of her life.

"I understand." He said seriously. "I told you then and I've told you many times after, it's ok and there is no need to apologize." He let go of her hand, intercepted her path, placed his left hand on her right shoulder as his right hand cradled her left cheek. He looked her directly in the eyes and firmly restated, "I understand!"

Her shoulders relaxed as she let go of her tension and hugged him tighter and longer than ever before. She could feel tears trying to escape, but over the years she had grown weary of crying, so she closed her eyes, took a long, deep breath and focused on Ahmad's heart beat.

Ahmad and Myriam continued in silence, fingers interlocked tightly, until they could hear rushing water.

"Do you hear that?" asked Ahmad.

"There must be a river up ahead, let's go check it out!" She was doing her best to act inconspicuous. Before Ahmad and her left for the week, their friends told her exactly what was ahead. Ahmad was going to love it!

After about five more minutes of walking, the path widened out to a small sandy beach. As they rounded the corner formed by a large grouping of tall trees, their eyes fell upon a small waterfall.

Gasping in awe, Ahmad immediately began setting up his easel "It is so beautiful, Myr!" He proclaimed, turning to look at her, his face lit with excitement and joy.

Although, contrary to Ahmad, she had seen a waterfall before, she too was in awe. It stood there before them, pristine, majestic and dominant. With its clean, clear water and perfectly formed and colored rock formations on either side, it was a wonder to behold.

"I feel as though it's an honor to be in the presence of it!" She told Ahmad as she situated herself underneath a large, shady oak tree to read and brainstorm about her new book.

He was already too involved with his new project to respond, she didn't mind though, she loved this side of him, the passionate side that could produce the most beautiful works of art.

The walk back was mostly silent except for when Ahmad showed her the flower he had found on the way there. That night they sipped tea near the fireplace as they talked about whatever came to mind.

 The next few days were similar yet blissful. They hiked to some other landmarks that were noted on a map their friends had given them, Ahmad cooked dinner over an open fire, they sat together talking or in silence, simply enjoying each other's presence, they made love, Ahmad painted, Myriam read and wrote. 

They spent their time wisely, they wouldn't get another opportunity like this for a long time.

"Asa', my love, want to go back to the waterfall today? I found it to be a really calming and regenerative place."

"Yeah. Of course, that's perfect, I can touch up my painting while we are there." The last day of their vacation should be just that he thought, calm and regenerative, especially for her, she deserved it.

They made the half hour picturesque walk to the sandy beach and after picnicking for lunch Myriam compared Ahmad's painting to the waterfall.

"This is excellent work Asa', you really captured the essence of the environment created by the waterfall!"

"Thank you so much Myr! He said as he walked towards the bank of the shore so he could study the river rocks closer.

Myriam approached him from behind, wrapping her arms around him while resting her head on his back. A sparse, momentary, unexplained haze filled her eyes as Ahmad placed his hands on hers. They revelled in this moment for a few minutes until Ahmad pointed out all the tadpoles swimming near the waters' edge.

Myriam walked towards the edge and leaned down to get a closer look. They scenced her looming presence and swam down shore. As she watched them scatter she noticed something downstream in the water. 

Walking down the narrowing sandy beach, she took time to appreciate the soft sand between her toes. Now, standing in line with the object, she still couldn't see it. Her sight had gone hazy again, but more densely. She slipped off her sandals and walked into the water towards the object. Not paying enough attention to her footing, she slipped on a larger rock and hit her head on another.

As she layed in the stream unable to move or speak she heard Ahmad screaming as he ran toward her, "Myriam, Myriam, MYRIAM!" Just as Ahmad's face came into view everything began to go black and as the blackness encompassed his face she uttered, "I love you Asa'."

As Myriam's eyes slowly blinked open, she didn't hear the waterfall, an ambulance, hospital sounds, nor Ahmad's voice. She heard nothing, and the bright green elongated hexagonal segments glowing menacingly at her from behind their see-through protective shield said 02:30, only two hours since she had gone to bed. She rolled over and peered out of one eye at the man sleeping next to her, moaning in discontent and protest. This was not Ahmad and she did not want to be awake at this hour, again, for the third night in a row. 

She positioned herself flat on her back, eyes closed, as tears trickled, then flowed down her face, toward the back of her ears, where they were then soaked up by her pillow. Chuckling softly, she thought about Ahmad and what he would say if he were to see her crying now. 'You'd better stop crying or the people down there are going to drown, whole villages wiped out with one apocalyptic flood!' she imagined his face and voice as he said this and no longer felt the urge to cry. 

With as stupid and silly as it was he would have been right. She rolled back over toward the nightstand where her timemaster watched over her, propped herself up on her elbow and reached for the bottle of sleeping pills. Many, many times she thought of downing the whole bottle, but she always conjured some excuse as to why she couldn't, tonight it was because she had a big presentation at work in a couple days. 

Twisting the bottle open she paused with second thoughts; she was tired of being downtrodden, under-appreciated, mocked, etc., just tired of being tired; but once again reason prevailed and she cursed herself for being melodramatic, gulping down the pills with the smallest amount of water. 

Flipping her pillow over and positioning herself onto her stomach with one leg at a 90° angle and the other stretched straight, she put one arm under her pillow to support her head. She blankly stared at the time master until her eyes involuntarily closed, and began to dream.